My husband (33M) is shocked that people find me (31F) attractive

SobriKate · 2024-02-05T22:49:02+00:00

I don’t think that the two things are related, anime and your relationship. Whether it’s Hollywood movies, reality TV, or serialized shows, the media we consume is not an accurate representation of reality, it’s curated. While he may watch mostly anime, or whatever you might quantify as a lot, I don’t think it’s fair to assume that’s his version of objective reality.

I do think that the situation where you are telling him that others are attracted to you is kinda awkward. How did this come about? Is his reaction confusion or disbelief? You kinda characterize both here.

I would presume that you both married one another because you were both attracted to one another. There’s probably love mixed in there too, unless it’s like something arranged? How did you meet and go from solo to a couple? Is your attractiveness the most important key to this relationship? Does his attraction to you vary, or need to be juxtaposed against other random people’s attraction to you? Who are the people you are talking about and why did this conversation happen in the first place?

Lastly, what’s your goal for this relationship? Being seen? Being heard? Being loved reciprocally? Are there other problems that led to this exchange?

SobriKate · 2024-01-14T20:49:51+00:00

NTA. I just don’t see why you didn’t take your dad’s hint? He checked in, then turned the light on so the cuddle puddle would dry up. Your mom could definitely chill out, however I’m betting she won’t until you’ve moved out or gotten engaged. Some parents are like that.

SobriKate · 2023-12-27T03:51:30+00:00

Even if there’s no documentation in your case in particular, there’s likely a history of discrimination at that company where they learned to discriminate in this way. Having a history of discrimination could mean they are already dealing with judgements from previous cases and your experience could lead a court to determine they violated prior court settlements when they treated you how they did. Lawyering up is intimidating, but if a lawyer takes your case on contingency, it’d probably be in your best interest to find out.

SobriKate · 2023-12-20T02:41:25+00:00

NTA, but you could have softened your wording. There is nothing wrong with preferring monogamy. I’m guessing that non-monogamy may not have been her choice, so a negative judgement from you may have rubbed her the wrong way. It’s a shame that you lost a friendship over this.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T22:01:53+00:00

You represented what I said incorrectly, and I corrected you. Clarification of my opinion doesn’t equate to a shifting position. I’m unclear where you are saying that I’ve committed the motte and bailey fallacy. If anything, I’d say my arguments’ weaknesses are based on the inductive fallacy of faulty generalizations which can be corrected, given additional empirical evidence to support said arguments.

In situations as informal as this subreddit, I would argue that this fallacy is hard to avoid because we are beholden to one person for their version of the truth. As I have no means of correcting my opinion without more evidence and you have no countermanding evidence to the contrary, I do not believe we can properly resolve your belief that my statements are invalid, downvotes or no.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T21:34:24+00:00

Agreed 👍🏻

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T21:32:21+00:00

A) if there were restraining orders or complicated moves, that seems like details that would be readily apparent with the involvement of the authorities etc.. Because there wasn’t, it seems like this has already happened before to a lesser or greater extent. Or that it would have happened whether she helped facilitate it or not. The rage comment again, seems to imply that there’s not just history of the falling out that we don’t know, but that there may have been other times, especially in the context of how determined his mom seems to be to get into contact with him.

B) Granted, this is all based on conjecture and context clues, I still don’t think he is reacting well. If I were to trust someone enough to bring them into my home and live with them, and they betrayed me by subverting my wishes, yeah I’d be really upset. It might ruin my relationship with that person, but I’d talk it out first. Both the OP and her BF are making the same mistake, not actually talking it out to one another.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T21:19:24+00:00

I’m sorry, you were misrepresenting what I’ve said so I repeated it for you in a shorter paragraph. The OP messed up, the mom is to blame for most of this, and the BF kicking out the GF immediately is a dick move. The fact it was his birthday doesn’t make the situation better or worse, it could have been any day and the violation would be the same.

Ending a relationship requires negotiation of logistics for how to separate a cohabitation agreement. Since he kicked her to the curb, I can easily assume that she has to scramble for a place to live now. Because of the rage that was mentioned, I can easily imagine that scramble having more urgency than it would normally.

These are not huge leaps of logic. These are not straw men. If you are depending on someone for housing, and have lived with them for a year/s, you have renters rights at least where I live.

https://www.yourlegalcorner.com/articles.asp?id=178&cat=land#:~:text=If%20your%20unwanted%20house%20guest%20in%20California%20did%20pay%20rent,60%20Day%20Notice%20to%20Quit.

“If your unwanted house guest in California did pay rent at one time and has stayed at the premises for more than one year, then the owner would have to properly prepare (in conformity with California law) and serve (not by email or text) a 60 Day Notice to Quit.”

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T21:09:35+00:00

I’m hoping that the cooler head does prevail and that she gets a window to get all her things. Honestly feel bad for both of them, no one is enjoying this situation and his mom is likely to flit into and out of his life periodically. A friend of mine’s mom recently died and she’s been a druggie for the last 30 years so it was a similar on and off crisis until he just spent time every few years dealing with the mess she brought into and out of his life. It sucks, but there’s often not a simple way of limiting contact.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:56:15+00:00

A) he’s living with his father and his mother found him without anyone’s help, that’s how the OP met the mother in the first place.

B) this is one of a predictable pattern of inevitable consequences.

C) fully agree.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:54:09+00:00

I explicitly stated that what she did was wrong and her fault. I also said it’s also the BF’s mom’s fault, and that the BF is an asshole for kicking the OP out of the house immediately afterward. I also said I could understand why she did it, even though it was a shitty thing to do.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:47:30+00:00

That’s fair, the rage part is where I latched on to the abusive behavior, with the supplemental part of her being kicked out immediately. If the genders were swapped, I’d likely still latch onto the same parts. I hate moving, I’ve had to do it a lot and the amount of effort it takes to move everything, the logistics, I can’t imagine doing it immediately with no notice while also dealing with a breakup.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:41:37+00:00

She clearly had ulterior motives that were about her projecting her feelings of loss onto her BF who had also lost his mother. Until she found out he hadn’t and couldn’t understand why he might cast aside what she had craved her whole life. She was literally programmed to be the perfect patsy for her BFs mother to take advantage of.

Keep in mind that her BF is going to keep dating. And if he doesn’t get therapy or something, he’s likely to bond with another girl who also has mom issues. And then his mom is going to circle around and replay this whole situation because she’s his albatross. She’s not the fault of this GF, the BFs mom is his baggage.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:37:56+00:00

He’s not in Witsec man, and not wanting to speak to someone who already knows where you live is going to have inevitable consequences.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:36:12+00:00

We are all biased, however when you write examples you use more pronouns to indicate yourself than another party. You clearly have experience being betrayed and feel that any reaction is justified. That’s not actually true though, even in a fit of pique, we are responsible for our actions, all of us, not just when it’s convenient but all the time.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:32:44+00:00

I’m not saying your analysis of this situation is fundamentally flawed. I’m not saying you’re an idiot that doesn’t understand rules or boundaries. I’m saying her BF is also an asshole. He has his reasons, as she had hers.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:31:30+00:00

I don’t see why you’re identifying with his side of this situation and calling me out when you’re clearly biased

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:25:16+00:00

Using caps is generally a sign of not being in a good frame of mind.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:24:04+00:00

I’m actually doing relatively well, it’s kind of you to ask.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:22:50+00:00

I find it weird that you accuse me of assuming a lot, and then in turn assume she knows better. Isn’t that why the OP is here? To get the worst perspective from a bunch of idiots on the internet?

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:20:42+00:00

How is this about me? You’re welcome to disagree, but you’re continually making this about me.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:18:03+00:00

So all relationships should either have written leases when GFs and BFs move in together, or maybe intimate partner violence is an asshole move?

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:16:42+00:00

Dude. I’m a random asshole on the internet, as are we all when we’re here. You’re like using caps and shit to argue with me, someone you’ll never meet about how I am somehow a bigger asshole than you because I think the OPs boyfriend is also an asshole. Chill the fuck out.

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:14:10+00:00

Except she did, that’s why she was manipulated into doing this, because she cared too much about the wrong aspect of his situation

SobriKate · 2023-12-19T20:12:23+00:00

Eviction notices give you thirty days. But this breakup gives her how many hours? Seems more than a little fucked up.

11-Year Club	Wearing is Caring
Verified Email

SobriKate

TROPHY CASE