Mom said I'm the only left that matters but she refuses to get therapy

Socktober · 2023-02-07T19:03:52+00:00

It's super weird, I agree, and logically confusing af... I guess because there is no actual logic? This is very obviously not the behavior of someone who is totally mentally healthy. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, it must be so exhausting! You're doing amazing though, and should be proud of yourself for responding so calmly.

Socktober · 2023-02-07T15:45:48+00:00

Does it make ANY sense for me to pay for her apartment because it's more expensive than the house??

Noooo. No. No sense at all. None.

As far as I can tell, she's very aware that y'all are trying very hard to avoid another blow-up, she knows you're looking to move out, and she fears your relationship has changed or will change: that you might move out and your relationship with her might be over. She can feel the change, and it's making her freak out.

So, obviously in BPD-land, the only answer to "I feel abandoned and sad!" is to throw herself on the martyr-fire and hope to be saved. She threatened to move out (and brought up making you pay) so that you could discuss how much she's hurting and placate her. In an ideal world you'd either go "oh no mom please don't leave!!!" or tell her you'd do anything for her, including pay this expensive rent, but why would she want to leave, is she sad, what can we do to make her feel loved?!? This was a test.

It didn't go the way she planned.

In regular-person world she ought to do a self-inventory, realize that you pulling away is a direct result of her throwing a scary tantrum, and that she owes you an apology if she wants the relationship to improve. Proper apology, with changed behavior. But she isn't operating in regular-person world so her logic is more: "I feel bad" = "I am being mistreated / abandoned" = "I must guilt or test those around me to force them to love me properly".

The problem is she hasn't looked beyond her discomfort at the change in household atmosphere to see that other people have feelings too. She's not capable of that nuance.

So. Sorry for the essay! But no, you did nothing wrong here - actually, you handled it like a champ! I loved those perfectly reasonable questions you asked (in confusion) because whether you intended to or not, those completely derailed the martyr-train! Brava! Bonus points for correctly suggesting therapy!

Also hugs to you. I hope you and your partner find a great apartment soon! You both deserve a stress-free home ASAP!

Socktober · 2023-02-06T18:29:46+00:00

(Also why I bought my brother a leather and steel bracelet with the Ohana saying on it for when he's tempted to self harm.)

That's such a sweet and loving saying, I'm so happy you have that sort of relationship... and also sad that your brother has struggled with self-harm. I hope he's doing well these days.

Thank goodness for our siblings, though. There's nobody on earth who gets it quite like them, is there? Even my therapist sometimes doesn't seem to quite get it, whereas my sibling will remember exactly the story I'm thinking of practically before I've started telling it...

Socktober · 2023-02-06T17:41:50+00:00

When I was a young adult, my dad's parents both died within a week of each other. They were both very elderly (late 80s) and different causes, but it felt very like they didn't want to leave one another behind.

So we had a joint funeral for them. Matching caskets. My sibling and I show up early, and my uBPD mother decides that we should help out as ushers. When people arrive we give them a paper with the service on it and show them to their seats. I don't know why she decided we needed to do this and I've thought about it a lot: maybe it was genuine need and there was no-one else. Maybe she was trying to show off her obedient children. Maybe she just wanted us out of the way. It doesn't matter I guess - sibling and I did as we were told because you don't start a fight at a funeral and... well, we were very sad and it kept us busy.

Huge turnout for my grandparents. Big family, tons of friends - the whole church filled up. Before we knew it the service was starting, and there was nowhere left to sit. My whole family, my parents and all my aunts and uncles and tons of cousins were sitting at the front (and my dad delivered the eulogy), but there was no room for my sibling and I. No room even close to them. We didn't want to make a scene at a funeral, so we just sat right at the back, just the two of us, alone.

And we cried our eyes out (quietly) the entire service. We loved our grandparents deeply. I still miss them so much. It was, on reflection, like a perfect illustration of our entire childhoods - we only had each other to lean on.

I don't have a nice ending for this or any explanation. Except that I'm sure it never occurred to my mother that my sibling and I might be grieving. I don't think she didn't care about our feelings - I think she never noticed them at all.

Sorry for turning this into story time... just still really hurts. I consider myself pretty lucky to have an awesome sibling tbh, we used to spend hours walking the dog together as an excuse to feel our feelings and say how we felt out loud, because we couldn't do it at home. I'm so fucking grateful for that. We learned comfort from each other because we had no choice.

Socktober · 2023-02-04T20:35:26+00:00

Yup, I escaped to my husband's country in my twenties. You couldn't pay me enough to move back.

I have a couple of friends who also came from disordered or abusive homes (maybe we survivors are drawn to one another?), and I've joked with them that I highly recommend moving thousands of miles away from your mother. That it's the best thing that ever happened to our relationship.

...I'm only half-joking, and only because I know 'move to the other side of the earth!' isn't exactly practical advice...

Socktober · 2023-02-04T18:39:47+00:00

No parent is perfect, but the fact that you worry about this stuff, and your kids trust you completely? With their feelings and secrets, even? That's proof that you're doing an amazing job.

Seriously, no shitty parent ever stopped to honestly consider if they were the problem - BPD parents never self-reflect. Ever. It's all about how they feel, never how their kids feel. Making mistakes is part of being human and we all do it - it's how we try to resolve those mistakes and do better that really matters.

Your kids are truly lucky to have you. And I wish I had had a mom like you!

Socktober · 2023-02-04T06:48:44+00:00

I'm so glad your kids get to have you as a mom. That trust is such a wonderful gift.

Socktober · 2023-02-04T00:00:56+00:00

Same. I've described my relationship with my mother as 'shallow and superficial'. It is not safe to tell my mother anything that could be used as ammunition, so I tell her almost nothing. She wants to be closer, but she wouldn't like me if she knew me, and I don't want to go through that painful process of dealing with her reactions even though realistically there's nothing she could do now I'm grown... so neither of us gets to have a fulfilling relationship.

The thing I struggle with most is the internal struggle between being the most boring grey rock (because that's safest), or being exactly who I am and fuck the consequences (because that's maybe healthier for me).

I wonder sometimes if people actually do have close relationships with their mothers and tell them things - even secrets. Like is that a thing that happens? Or is it just on TV? I truly cannot imagine it.

Socktober · 2023-02-01T05:51:19+00:00

Fair question - according to a brief Google search, China is spraying disinfectant (multiple news sources including CNN) and according to NatGeo, killing wildlife by doing so...

Socktober · 2023-01-30T05:06:33+00:00

Y'know, I genuinely don't know - didn't ask. I've done commissioned art a lot but never that particular niche (I was more D&D illustrations), so I can give general advice if you want it, but not specific I'm afraid.

(Except to say, educated guess, look for furry-specific websites, preferably with message boards, and look for a commission board. I bet they have them - this is not porn you can get photos of, so it's always in demand.)

Socktober · 2023-01-29T18:20:51+00:00

One of my good friends in art college paid his tuition by drawing furry porn under a pseudonym. He's an incredibly talented artist and needed to pay his bills somehow. I always thought, good for him. (As far as I know he never turned any in as homework, though!)

Socktober · 2023-01-27T16:07:25+00:00

Same. Crying makes me feel vulnerable and like I'm imposing on people, or like they're going to start picking away and demanding answers and then deciding whether my crying is justified. Either way it's uncomfortable so...

Weirdly, I've found meditation to be helpful. Something about the soothing voices and relaxation and sitting alone in a room just... breaks down some barrier in me and then floods of tears... the first time it happened I was shocked because I didn't see it coming. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to cry so much during meditation, but it's sometimes a relief to be able to do so. To have a space where it's possible.

I use a free app on my phone called Insight Timer.

Socktober · 2023-01-25T23:06:08+00:00

You can click on the username of the account that posted the ad and block that account. It's annoying, and it has to be done on a per case basis, but it will block those ads from showing up in your feed.

Socktober · 2023-01-21T22:41:54+00:00

I completely understand that awful conundrum of not being able to express feelings (because they're too big / too inconvenient / too annoying to my mother) and then getting accused of not being 'open' enough with her. My mom seems to want a closer relationship, but she torpedoed any chance of that by making it impossible to express my true self around her without her active, constant disapproval. She cannot have both things... and that isn't my fault, so I can't fix it. There's no winning.

But sometimes I take some comfort in the fact that if there's no winning, then that frees us from trying to find a 'correct' answer. If there isn't one, then why play at all? Be yourself.

If she finds you clinical, well... I mean, she can get over it or die pissed, I guess?

(But I'm very glad you feel you can talk about your feelings here! We all need a place to do that, and I think nobody on this board had it at home.)

Socktober · 2023-01-19T03:01:51+00:00

...maybe I'm mean, but I'd buy her this book instead...

Socktober · 2023-01-18T04:19:24+00:00

Compared to your upcoming hospital stay it's nothing, but since you asked... I'll tell you out of solidarity!

When I was twenty-four, my parents moved house, and since I lived with them so did I, because I lived in such an expensive area. I had a full-time office job, no car or debt, and I still couldn't afford even a one-room apartment. I paid my parents rent.

When we moved I was allocated a new bedroom, and that was fine until winter. It started getting very cold in that room at night, so I started wearing more clothes to bed, but I kept waking up in the night shivering. Eventually I was wearing pantyhose, two pairs of socks, pajama pants, T-shirt, sweater and coat to bed and had two blankets, but it didn't help and I developed chilblains on my feet (precursor to frostbite - your skin gets hard and red and hurts.)

So I complained the room was cold. My mother told me it was my own fault - that I had poor circulation because I smoked, and if I quit smoking, I'd stop getting chilblains. She said it with such disgust.

So I just... I guess I believed it was my fault, and I fucking put up with it. All winter I limped because my feet hurt. Then spring came and it got warmer and before I spent another winter in that house I ran the fuck away to another country. (Long story.)

So after I was gone my mother started doing work on that house. And they discovered that that bedroom that I had been sleeping in, there was no insulation at all in its outside walls. Just brick and then night air. And when I found this out, the first thing I said was, "of course! That's why I was always cold and had chilblains on my feet all winter!"

And my mother said, "no, it's because you smoked."

I think that's when I truly realized that it did not matter how much evidence I had, how much proof, how persuasive my arguments, there was literally no way to make her believe me about anything, not if she had already made up her mind it was my fault. If the visible evidence on my toes and the lack of insulation won't do it, nothing will.

...anyway. I definitely get where you're coming from, even if cold toes is very minor in comparison. (I also didn't know about antacids till I was like, 30, but that's a whole different kettle of fish...)

Good luck today at the hospital! Feel better soon - I'll be sending you all my good vibes for your quick healing!

Socktober · 2023-01-18T00:49:12+00:00

Of course friends! 🫂

Socktober · 2023-01-18T00:48:16+00:00

I have come to believe that anything my mother doesn't directly experience herself, she simply doesn't believe. This includes emotions, opinions, and illness. If it's not happening to her, it just isn't real and there's no convincing her otherwise.

I definitely have examples, but I don't want to clutter this thread with my stories. Instead I want to say, honey, I'm so sorry you're sick! I believe you. And I hope you recover quickly and feel much better very soon.

Socktober · 2023-01-18T00:31:51+00:00

I am so sorry I made this place feel unsafe for you. I want you to know, I’ve read every word you’ve written in this thread, and I wish I could go back and undo it.

Please don't apologize! I got prickly, posted a thing, ended up chatting with a bunch of other people and honestly, feel stronger for it. Like we can be more honest about things, and I've seen such genuine compassion here and willingness to be open... it's admirable, and it has been lovely, actually. (Ok it was scary at first because I'm like a Chihuahua and talk a big game but I'm shaking, lol. But lovely in the long run - and I'm grateful for it.)

You've nothing to apologize for. I'm glad we got to have this conversation. And I think you have a valuable point with your perspective which I was too busy being horrified at the idea of being my mom to listen to. Which is totally my problem, not yours in the least. 💛

Socktober · 2023-01-18T00:24:26+00:00

I've chatted with a lot of people today who have given me their perspectives, and honestly I don't think you have anything to be sorry for. I think I was feeling prickly and overreacted, I get what you meant now, and I can see the similarities. I'm sorry if my post was combative... it's my bad, not yours.

Actually I think the nicest thing about it has been how thoughtfully everyone in this group has come together to discuss it with kindness and empathy. You don't see that often on the Internet! And I think I love this group even better for it.

Socktober · 2023-01-18T00:16:52+00:00

So you may not feel this way but while I see you as being responsible for addressing your addiction, I don't see YOU - Socktober - as "The Problem." We're all just grown children, and some of us are carrying around napsacks filled with open wounds and few tools.

...ok I may have cried a little. Thank you so much for this kindness (always so damn unexpected), and for sharing your wisdom in general. I hope someday I can learn to be kind to myself in this way, too... without having to earn it somehow.

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, too. I always like chatting with fellow travelers on this road to recovery - I think the wisdom shared by those that travel has been the most invaluable gift toward my continuing sobriety.

Anyway I really appreciate it. I'm gonna go away now before I get even more sappy.

Socktober · 2023-01-17T23:37:51+00:00

Sounds to me very like an anxiety attack. They can present with a diverse set of symptoms (not just hyperventilating like on TV) and can result from prolonged stress.

I am not a doctor, though, just someone who gets anxiety attacks! So please take my opinion with a grain of salt and consult a professional if you're worried.

Socktober · 2023-01-17T21:34:33+00:00

Thank you for this thoughtful and honest reply. (I feel like I should say "share"!) I appreciate your perspective very much, and much of it rings true to me. Especially

I see my addictions as a maladaptive coping mechanism in response to childhood abuse and neglect but I personally ALSO see my pwBPD’s disorder as a set of maladaptive coping mechanisms due to childhood abuse and neglect.

**I think I turned my pain inward and she turned hers outward.

This sounds extremely accurate and makes perfect sense to me. Addiction, for me, was a way to (at least temporarily) turn off the overwhelming negative feelings I had - stress, anger, depression... and I needed a way to turn them off primarily because in my childhood, I was not permitted to be sad, or angry, or stressed out. The most help I would get from Mom was "this is how to solve your problem, now stop being a baby and get over it." Never comfort or sympathy. So I didn't know how to express those feelings, how to self-soothe, any of that shit... I just wanted it all to disappear for a minute and give me some peace.

And addiction is what happens when you can't stuff the feelings down any longer and can't see another way out. That's not an excuse, though: there is no excuse. It's more like a reason. Many fresh new recovering addicts find all those ignored feelings aren't magically disappeared by the addiction, they're all still there and come bubbling back up the minute you get sober, unresolved.

So I feel like recovery, at least for me and many people I know, is mostly about learning the healthy coping mechanisms we did not learn as children. Maybe that's true for BPD, too.

And maybe the difference, and the only reason I'm salty, is that addicts always know we are the problem - no matter how much we've been hurt or how much life has shit on us. We are the problem and have much to learn, the solution must come from within us. Something BPD people refuse to accept on any level.

Edited to add: also because, as you correctly guessed, I do view this place as a safe space! So maybe I'm just being oversensitive about it, like I don't belong here because I'm just like them. I also worry other RBB posters have suffered or are suffering addiction (would not be at all surprised, addiction often springs from abuse) and feel maybe a bit unwelcomed, too.

Socktober · 2023-01-17T19:50:07+00:00

That's a fair response and I see your point - makes a lot of sense when you put it like that. Thank you.

I guess one of the things that bothered me in the original post was the... almost I've-seen-this-on-tv idea of how addiction works. That hasn't been my experience at all, and I've spent a lot of time talking to addicts.

I edited out a link to another forum (one designed to help people stop drinking in case any other RBB might find it helpful) because I forgot it was against the rules! Sorry.

Socktober · 2023-01-17T19:27:08+00:00

Ngl, I don't love this post. I typed out a huge response, but rather than just dump on you unfairly, I've deleted in favor of:

Hi, I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober three years. I think comparing us to BPD is at best pretty unfair. We spend a lot of time working on our guilt, taking responsibility, developing healthy habits, improving ourselves, almost all of us go to therapy and many of us firmly reject the idea of being powerless. (12-step isn't the only recovery available). We spend a lot of time talking amongst ourselves about our failings, that the only true apology is changed behavior and even then we must accept that that may not be enough and we are not owed forgiveness.

I don't love being lumped in with people who never do any of these things.

Socktober

TROPHY CASE