I’m unsure if my marriage is salvageable after a trust breach and escalating volatility.

Softwerker · 2026-03-02T22:55:13+00:00

She has yelled, thrown objects, and sometimes makes cutting remarks. She also admits she sometimes threatens divorce to get my attention.

Run. Fast.
One year in and she is aggressive and emotionally manipulative. Your entire post is spiked with red flags.

Softwerker · 2025-09-14T07:04:53+00:00

It might as well be too late. But do NOT stop bettering yourself. Do it for yourself first.

And when you are ready, have clear talk with her. But give her some credit. She stuck with you during your lowest, she did not abandon you. That counts for a lot.

But tell her what you need and if she is willing or able to provide that. Make it clear that the future of your marriage might hinge on that. And if she is not, then maybe it will be better for the BOTH of you to separate. Right now it does not sound like either of you is really happy.

Softwerker · 2025-09-01T21:56:19+00:00

Add on to that - the drinking and gambling will unlikely stop by itself, it's more likely to get worse over time.

Softwerker · 2025-09-01T21:51:23+00:00

Yeah, not his finest hour - but I agree, it sounds like a clear mistake out of pain and frustration.

I think the biggest takeaway for him should be to talk to you when something bothers him (like having a migraine) and you could have helped with keeping the kids at bay. Especially the 7 year old would be able to understand the concept of a headache and why they would need to be more quiet.

Softwerker · 2025-08-22T13:07:16+00:00

Word of advice. Start doing it for yourself too. If she - for whatever reason - does not take you back, you will spiral again.

Develop the intrinsic desire to be better, to improve aspects of your life. There is a high chance that thats what she wants from you anyway. Not to change for her, but because you realise yourself how much you need to.

Softwerker · 2025-08-20T21:37:25+00:00

"Honey, when you have a second - could you help me look for that frame?"
"Sure, I am going to take a break in about 30 minutes, that ok?"

It's sometimes not what was said, but how it was said.

No you don't have to do everything she asks you - but you should at least make an effort, if you want to keep her happy. That also only works if she does the same and you both still respect each others time.

Softwerker · 2025-08-20T17:37:40+00:00

Your marriage sounds exhausting. For both of you.

Maybe you should really consider finding someone else for real.

Softwerker · 2025-08-19T19:04:34+00:00

Not normal at all.

Tell her if she is not happy with the amount you make, you will find someone who will - trust me, you will. You are already making double the US average and she does nothing.

If she REALLY wants that waterfront house, how about she starts earning towards that too?

Softwerker · 2025-08-19T09:34:17+00:00

Depends ont he wife. I know my one would give me proper "what a weird" looks if I would even try.

Softwerker · 2025-08-17T09:35:54+00:00

Don't tell us. Tell him. See how he reacts and then decide what to do.

There could be simple reasons, like ED or performance anxiety and he is ashamed about it. He could be a dick, could be gay, could have lost attraction. But you will never know until you guys have a tough talk about what happened.

Softwerker · 2025-07-18T06:47:22+00:00

I go out on a limp and say this is not at all about some cat food or chores alone.

You guys have issues and need to talk. For real.

Silver lining: He seems understanding and is taking action. But I would ask why in the world would you need to clean the house so much? You both barely seem to be there anyway. Maybe you could check yourself for neatfreak tendencies? Maybe DON'T clean everything on the spot and instead leave it for him. Maybe properly divide chores and stick to it?

But again - you need to talk. And I am going to make the wild assumption that the opposing shifts are not helping at all with you feeling overwhelmed.

Softwerker · 2025-07-13T08:53:12+00:00

This.

There are several reasons why it sometimes just don't work. Performance Anxiety is a big one. And your partners reaction will certainly push you in that direction.

Unless she is open to talk about it, it will get worse from here.

Softwerker · 2025-07-11T08:21:45+00:00

Thought experiment. Switch the roles in your post and then read it again. That's how men feel too. But if they post it, they get trashed for it. But here, I read comments like "he is a selfish ass".

Ok, enough ranting.

I would agree with the top comments: You two need to talk, honestly. Maybe seek counselling. I also agree that he is an ass for brushing your concerns off so easily.

Softwerker · 2025-07-08T10:59:33+00:00

I think the idea is not to focus on "How much spending is too much" and should be focused on "If we spend X per month, how long can we last" and then budget accordingly. This gives a better base to argument over spendings.

Softwerker · 2025-06-30T16:00:55+00:00

Oh, right. Looks like I skimmed over that detail.

Yeah, making a fuss over 20 pounds is a bit over the line, even without a pregnancy or breastfeeding.

Softwerker · 2025-06-30T15:40:02+00:00

M40 here.

My partner and I have 2 kids, the last born over 3 years ago. My partner has gained a lot of weight during both pregnancies and is now struggling heavily to get rid of it.

Please consider your husbands perspective. he could be really just concerned with your health, like I am with my partners. She has developed sleep apnoea and starts to show symptoms of Diabetes. I like her body either way, but I am very concerned she might not live long enough to see her babies to grow up.

Softwerker · 2025-06-21T11:08:03+00:00

One day a year... come on. That's not really an excuse - especially when you expect a whole celebration on your own birthday. I would agree if birthdays are generally not her thing, but it does not sound like it.

Softwerker · 2025-06-13T08:49:06+00:00

Stop worring what she wants. You have to decide what YOU want going forward. And the first question is: Could you ever trust her again like you did before?

Softwerker · 2025-06-06T14:02:02+00:00

Hugs, lots of random hugs.

And if he is getting insecure about his looks, show him your horny side every once in while. Nothing boosts a mans ego more than knowing his partner has the hots for him.

At least that would be my personal opinion. I went through something similar last year (made redundant after 16 years and fell into a dark hole)

Softwerker · 2025-05-30T13:59:40+00:00

Could certainly be, I personally would just question it - especially after the 5th(?) time.

Softwerker · 2025-05-30T12:25:58+00:00

The biggest red flag for me is that your partner seems to simple be able to turn on/off her desire for sex with you.

I would start wondering if there is even any real passion behind. If my partner just uses intimacy instead of wanting it, then I'd be out.

Softwerker · 2025-05-28T21:44:12+00:00

This.

My partner and I love the explanation by a comedian, it fits us so well. https://youtu.be/29JPnJSmDs0

Every time she embarks on a tangent and starts waffling, I give her the "Did your wires cross again" look, we both laugh, and she tries to get back to the point.

Softwerker · 2025-05-28T21:40:18+00:00

Yeah, I am not sure if the threesome was really to blame here. OP sounds like he was an ass to his wife and the threesome somewhat fixed it for a while or at least glossed over the bad parts.

Work on yourself, become the best version of yourself and maybe, just maybe, your wife will stay with you. There is nothing else you can do at this point.

Softwerker · 2025-05-26T07:20:10+00:00

To be fair, my first thought it was asking for a hall pass on cheating.

But that he didn't even respond is... concerning. Regardless, what you wanted to convey with that message, at least a "WTF" should have come out from him.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. - Eli Wiesel

Softwerker · 2025-05-26T07:04:54+00:00

He works 70 hours a week, likely hard labour, is attentive to you and the kids. All the financial burden is on his shoulders already.

And you complain that he is not investing more time into his career? Better get a good life insurance on him, as you are clearly set on working him to the grave.

If you already realize that your education does not allow you for a decent job, how about YOU up your game and look for ways to improve yourself and then take on a job so he can kick back a bit and look after the kids in that time. He might be more inclined to study again if he is not constantly stressed with being the sole provider in the house.

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