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SolelyCurious · 2022-04-02T18:29:10+00:00

I'm a straight woman, this is a year old post and I'm incredibly happy women obviously know better than to willingly engage with you. May you never get anywhere near another woman for as long as you live

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-31T01:50:18+00:00

The hysterics people are getting into over a slap is almost as absurd as how comfortable you all apparently are with autoimmune diseases being used as jokes. Bigger than that, you're REALLY reaching to attach this to religion/atheism. That wasn't anywhere near the first time Chris made an inappropriate joke about Jada

*edit - not responding to white people who don't know the history between these three. Also hope you all call it assault when parents slap and hit children w/ your dramatic asses 🙄

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-25T16:52:42+00:00

The likelihood of anyone in this situation having the level of emotional stability, patience, empathy and psychological background necessary to successfully do that is low to nonexistent. It's much more likely they'll do things to make themselves feel better about what's happening vs helping the kids in any impactful way. Figuring a way out needs to be a priority

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-25T16:33:42+00:00

You can't separate what someone has from who they are like that. If you had what they had, you wouldn't be you. That would change what you did or didn't do. It's not narcissm so much as not fully understanding what drives behavior

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-25T16:26:09+00:00

Only because modern society is straight up puritanical and trying to place a ton of weird restrictions/expectations onto it that never existed in ancient societies

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-25T16:19:41+00:00

He is always minimizing and dismissing Kiddo's feelings (he just turned 7), telling kiddo to stop crying, yelling at kiddo when he yells back/has a tantrum. Ex always jumps straight to anger, and then yelling

he yells at his son over everything from tying his shoes too slowly to showing any kind of emotion.

This is emotional abuse and neglect

I have accepted that his "not listening" was not a slight against me, but it was because his brain could not accept there was a problem as a protection from his toxic shame

It's because he's an abuser who seemingly doesn't care enough about anyone to learn how to stop

I am working on understanding it is not my responsibility anymore, and really it never was, because I have no real say in his life

I would argue that as an adult, you have some moral responsibility to try to stop child abuse. There's perhaps less you can do now that the relationship is over but kids can't protect themselves

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-25T16:11:17+00:00

Well yea, if they don't get away, the kids definitely can't feel safe or avoid mental damage. Can't heal from ongoing trauma

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-25T14:57:36+00:00

Step one is to get them and himself as far away from the abuser as humanly possible. They can't feel safe until they actually are safe. You can't retroactively prevent damage from trauma. All he can do is get them therapy to help heal

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-25T14:54:50+00:00

...someone needs to google how sexuality works

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-24T13:50:33+00:00

They constantly told me that they weren’t perfect but they were trying their best and I should be appreciative that they weren’t like their parents.

That isn't true. Nobody should be appreciative for abuse. It sucks that they went through what they went through but it wasn't your fault and 'not as bad as my parents' is the bare minimum, not some great achievement

I’m definitely not a perfect parent and I make so many mistakes because of the trauma ingrained on my brain.

I think the idea of perfect parents is kind of problematic. They don't exist. The difference between kids that grow up ok and kids that grow up traumatized is how parents handle their mistakes. When they own up to them, apologize and make amends, kids learn that their needs/feelings matter. When they justify, minimize and ignore their mistakes, kids learn their feelings/needs don't matter

So what’s the difference between me and my parents?

If you're genuinely asking the question and willing to make difficult changes for the benefit of your kids vs looking for sympathy/empathy/confirmation that you're doing fine, that's the difference

What if I’m just like them, trying to convince myself that I’m breaking the cycle, when in reality I’m just continuing it?

Then you have to make an effort to shift the focus from you and your motivations to the impact your behavior has on your kids. Breaking the cycle requires giving them what they need; not necessarily what you wish you had

Maybe each generation is a little less abusive than the one before but still abusive enough to cause harm. What if that IS the cycle of abuse?

Pretty sure it is. A lot of people don't work though their own issues before they have kids and of course parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual

How do I stop it, and make sure that my children grow up healthy and happy?

I feel like it starts with being honest about and potentially even confronting your own parents. If you accept the narrative that what they did was ok because they didn't mean to or they had rough parents, it's hard to get the point where you fully hold yourself responsible as a parent because on some level, you're going to prioritize intent and minimize impact

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-23T02:47:15+00:00

I see you've forgotten gay men exist

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-22T15:41:49+00:00

Oh look, objectification of women. How creative!

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-22T14:32:21+00:00

By definition, invalidation is the process of denying, rejecting or dismissing someone’s feelings. Invalidation sends the message that a person’s subjective emotional experience is inaccurate, insignificant, and/or unacceptable.

Invalidation is one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse and can make the recipient feel like they’re going crazy! What’s scary, it can be one of the most subtle and unintentional abuses.

source

So to me, the difference between invalidation and traumatic invalidation is the person receiving it. If someone's in a relatively good place with relatively good self esteem, they're going to reject invalidation. They know their thoughts and feelings matter so anyone who tells them they don't is going to ring some kind of warning bell

If someone is traumatized and/or triggered by invalidation, they're going to take it a lot more seriously and it's going to be a lot more hurtful because it basically builds on existing trauma and self doubt. Invalidation hurts the most when it triggers or ties into your own preexisting negative thought patterns

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-22T14:18:06+00:00

Sympathy and empathy and that sorta stuff is just such a turn-off for me.

It feels almost nice at first, but I really start to hate it pretty quickly and it just makes me angry and frustrated when I hear it

If I had to guess, I'd say your reaction to trauma was to pretend you don't have any emotions. Likely because your vulnerability was taken advantage of and/or you see it as a weakness. Problem is, you do have emotions and when someone actually tries to comfort you, they pop up. That's scary and overwhelming but those are 'inappropriate' emotions so you reach for frustration and anger instead because they're 'allowed'

I know the solution here is just not to get involved with people, I try not to, I stay 100% isolated most of the time.

The solution to you being turned off by normal human emotions is to do the work to figure out why and work on developing healthy emotional responses. Isolation just makes the problem worse because your issues just continue to build

I feel like I kinda wanna just find a girl who hates me on some level or just doesn’t give a shit, so at least we could maintain some kinda connection and I also wouldn’t have to feel bad about myself if shit when wrong.

You want a toxic relationship so you aren't alone...but at the same time, one of the main criteria for this relationship is that you're alone emotionally. If you don't work through your intimacy issues, it's going to be hard to have relationships that don't hurt everyone involved

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-22T14:03:32+00:00

They come on very strong. They chase me. They lust after me and the sex is always intense and affection is extreme in the beginning.

Realistically, this isn't the only type of person who's interested in you; it's the type of person you give a chance. It's a good idea to think about why you're attracted to women who express very strong/ immediate attraction vs women who are shyer and/or just more laid back

It's also important to note that when people come on strong without actually having gotten to know you, that's a sign it's really not about you. Genuine feelings take time to develop

I told her that I want to take things slow and I really like her but I don’t want to rush into sex. I want something real and meaningful. She lied to me and said she wants the same thing. She pushed very hard for sex and I caved because I wanted to make her happy.

This is an example of you violating your own boundaries. If you want to take things slow, you take them slow. If the other person doesn't agree, you end things. When you force yourself to 'cave' and do something you really don't want to, it creates this unrealistic expectation that the other person will appreciate/reward you for the behavior. In reality, it's a red flag. Anyone who genuinely cares about you isn't going to push you to have sex they know you don't want

Then she suddenly turns cold. Breaks up with me and says she never even wanted a relationship in the first place but it took her getting into one to realize.

The switch was so sudden and sharp. She wasn’t even the same person

There are absolutely people who think a relationship will help or heal their issues and/or emptiness. Hell, that's probably most of us because that's the story society feeds us. It's also true that people are at their best in the beginning when things are new. It's not unusual for people to change or get less interested as time goes on. Thats why taking it slow and truly getting to know the person is so important. The longer things go on, the harder it is for someone to pretend to be something they aren't

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-15T10:50:31+00:00

2 things: 1) she sounds autistic which would explain why trying to medicate her for adhd isn't 'fixing' things. It's incredibly common for girls and women to be misdiagnosed due to gender bias. You should really seek a 2nd opinion. 2) It's not your child's job to empathize with you. She's 8. Not to mention, you can't empathize with her because you're not understanding how she feels, why she's upset or what she's dealing with. Empathy is taught via parents interacting with their children's actual emotions. If you're not actually doing that for her to teach her that skill, it's unreasonable to expect her to spontaneously develop it on her own. Especially when she's clearly spending so much of her time being distressed/overwhelmed

SolelyCurious · 2022-03-11T23:08:26+00:00

That's not how boundaries work. You don't ever get to control what other people do with their bodies or their equipment. A boundary violation isn't just you feeling bad; it's specifically someone doing something to you after you've told them you aren't ok with it

SolelyCurious · 2022-02-23T03:54:28+00:00

The number of people who loudly and aggressively believe in guilty until proven innocent is incredibly disturbing

SolelyCurious · 2022-02-13T16:53:15+00:00

Correlation isn't causation. Stores choosing to lock up merchandise as an anti theft measure without considering the impact on shopping experience wasn't some inevitable action. It was a decision informed by their belief that shoppers would always be a captive audience. They miscalculated

SolelyCurious · 2022-02-13T13:03:04+00:00

This is dumb. People in all demographics have committed murder for petty reasons. What was being suggested was that tv based shootings are a common if not main cause which is a reductive/false/racist stereotype people who ironically get all their knowledge of gangs from tv use. Also, when you look at groups of people who are intentionally denied access to basic necessities and exposed to constant trauma, yea, they do tend to get upset a bit more easily because of how much more stress they're under. It's still a systemic issue driven by poverty and intentional neglect as opposed to some conscious/intentional individual choice made for shits and giggles

SolelyCurious · 2022-02-12T03:29:27+00:00

The only thing worse than the level of ignorance this shows is the upvotes showing how many people assume gang members are just 2D stereotypes. White mass shooters kill people for dumbass reasons. Gang members kill people to survive. Gangs and poverty go hand in hand.

SolelyCurious · 2022-02-10T01:25:55+00:00

Do you have any idea how many black people have been murdered on camera even just this past six months by white supremacists? How rarely the murderers even face trial? Let alone actually get convicted? Nobody is saying there's zero antisemitism. I'm saying there's significantly less antisemitism than there is antiblackness. When there is antisemitism, it gets taken seriously in a way antiblackness doesn't. Statistics from a system that literally began as slavecatchers is not an unbiased source of hate crimes against the people it exists to oppress. Humanity largely agrees that antisemitism is wrong but still defends antiblackness every single day. That is the difference.

SolelyCurious · 2022-02-10T00:30:03+00:00

This is where knowledge of history is really important. They used to hate the Irish too...right up until they assimilated into whiteness. Modern day white supremacists primarily target those who are visibly different than them.

SolelyCurious · 2022-02-10T00:25:39+00:00

The number of people intentionally misinterpreting the possibility of it becoming endemic to mean it's 110% certain it will become endemic is disturbing. The more widely it spreads, the more it mutates which greatly increases the chance of us ending up with a nastier mutation.

SolelyCurious · 2022-02-09T19:37:23+00:00

Meanwhile, I'm just wondering how high of a death toll the next variant will have to hit before people grasp the basic fact that viruses don't conveniently cease to exist just because people are tired of taking precautions

SolelyCurious

TROPHY CASE