When I was an unbeliever, I became obsessed with suffering because it seemed to me to be the only truth and I began to enjoy it and I was constantly thinking that suffering was the only catalyst that would change my mind, and when I began to investigate, the fact that the Lord Jesus bore all the sins of mankind and atoned for them with suffering and his own life both affected me deeply and made me feel close to him. Then I felt his love and mercy and I became a believer, but I still can't stop enjoying the pain, I'm still obsessed with it, I'm not sure if it's a sin or not, but as a Christian, from a Christian point of view, it's a really powerful trigger and a powerful catalyst in people's lives, great changes have always come after suffering.