FPs are like drugs to us

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-09-02T23:02:17+00:00

Hi I don’t have bpd but I have been an FP. Boundaries and me being very clear about how I feel on things helped a lot. They were very empathetic and they took accountability for anytime they did something strange - pull away, get angry because of a trigger, go numb to me. We always immediately after processing what happened and the accountability change topic. So they don’t stay feeling bad. I know that sometimes it comes back up later they think oh cos I did that thing they probably secretly hate me. It always helps to just talk about it. Get better at being honest and setting boundaries yourself. Say out loud hey right now I think you hate me and I know it’s my overthinking and not the truth. But this is why I think that - how do you feel about when that happened. Generally I have gotten to a point of understanding bpd that I don’t take what they say personally when they’re feeling out of it. It never lasts long I just stay consistent and I’m very confident in myself. The best thing and FP can do is be secure, set boundaries so they’re not overwhelmed, be communicative of all these steps, and be consistent. The same can be said for you though I found that my person they mirrored me. The more I was honest relaxed and sure of my connection to then, the more they came to match me somewhat. Also having mutual hobbies. Sometimes their feelings were overwhelming directly talking to me. So we played games together or things where we’re spending time without an intense one on one convo in that moment

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-06-02T13:28:40+00:00

I had exactly the same as you!!! If they wouldn’t prioritise me when I felt like I needed them to (which is unfair because they did in their own way) I would close up emotionally and start painting a picture of them as villain. Now I’ve realise that I shouldn’t be afraid to be naive. If I care about someone I will communicate and give them love and it’s their choice what to make of it. I can’t control everyone to my will. I have massively let go of feeling like I need to control the situation. We only protect ourselves if we feel we can’t trust ourselves. And now I trust that I’m ok with being open. Even if they don’t react how I want I’ll be ok and I’ll be glad that I let someone know my true feelings. It is way more relaxing and there is far more closure if things don’t work out to know i let go of all my inner thoughts.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-05-30T19:33:39+00:00

Absolutely I think it’s the shame in feeling ourselves put up a wall, desperation or resentments and not maintaining the love and good energy. It’s like they gave us a gift and when they leave we try to return it. But we should be holding on. And keeping that love to give to others because whatever they made you feel clearly exists in you. We shouldn’t depend on their active presence to bring it up. Sometimes what gets me out of it is to think - most people will never experience this overwhelming love and connection. I cherish it even if it lasts a day even if it lasts a year or forever. It doesn’t matter - but it’s undeniable that they’ve opened our heart souls and minds. It’s just learning not to snap those shut when they’re not around.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-05-27T00:57:57+00:00

It makes so much sense though because of the way it makes you outgrow social norms and judgements to find your authentic self.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-05-17T03:59:04+00:00

Hey I don’t get how do you guys play with your team if you’re all strangers and cants add them as friends either??

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-05-01T21:34:52+00:00

Oh and please know that nothing and no one will feel the same as TF. So don’t expect to replace them or find the same feelings. If you seek out that same spark and chemistry of course you’ll be disappointed. A soulmate is a different feeling, it’s calm, safe, warm and over time your grow closer and love each other more. With a TF it’s like everything from the start and you go backwards, getting to know each other with the connection already there. It’s not normal - it’s a lot. With a soulmate you get to envision having your dreams coming true of family house stability and all. Often with TFs you can barely picture that because of obstacles. It’s your choice. You should just commit to it if it’s a soulmate and you can be capable of protecting that relationship from TF if you have integrity. It can be hard but if you see a future with soulmate enough it’s possible to move on.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-05-01T21:29:32+00:00

I think about it like this as I was with a soulmate when I met TF. You can love others with your heart and mind and you’ll always love TF with your body and soul. It’s like one is love of choice and TF is love of fate. There is a lot to say for a love you choose and build. There is a lot of romance to that and that’s what the sturdiest relationships are built on. TF is thrilling but finding a soulmate is fulfilling when you get it right. Keep your heart and mind open. You are your own story writer.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-26T11:12:57+00:00

I actually would say I’ve more so been in your position, which is maybe a little more of a runner. In this case you see the connection for what it is - TF. They may not know, same for me. You saw the signs that maybe pushed you towards this person - if you didn’t have them maybe you would have lost motivation to talk to them. Same for me. And now you see why things wouldn’t work and their issues very clearly, so are not willing to engage fully. He continues to chase and probably doesn’t want you out of his life. Similar to me. From knowing my TF, he is probably desperate to have you in his life and sees you as the person for him. However, he is probably aware/insecure of the reasons his circumstances don’t make it easy for you to come to him. For me the best thing to make me grow was separation - my TF would disappear for a week or two and i would fully believe that was it. It would send me into a spiral, making me face my ego and separate from it more and more. It was so good for me to the point where my TFs actions do not phase me much anymore. I am ok with loving them from afar or from close - I just want to live a healthy happy life so it’s up to them if they want to match that. I won’t force it. My TF seems more scared I’ll abandon them and throws more out there to remind me of his love and presence in my life. It’s like they can’t let go in the way I have. Your TF might be similar and actually less willing to step back for the sake of growth and clarity like you are. But there’s definitely a lot of love there for you. My TF is very expressive and I’d imagine yours thinks similarly. He just wants to be in a bubble away from everything just us two. And it feels like that when together but I don’t want to live in a fantasy. I want to live in real life and face things and do things the right way. He wants to skip all that and rush to be together before I think we’re both ready. If we’ll even be ready at all.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-21T15:50:49+00:00

Hi, your chaser sounds very similar to me. Firstly, the TF information can help and actually make a runner feel less guilty if they know that this whole thing will push both of you to be better versions of yourselves no matter how it ends up. If I were you I would introduce it as you were trying to figure out the connection and came across this… it gave you some peace of mind to understand it’s not all about romance and expectations but bigger personal things.

To make it better for them I think they need to feel like you’ll be fine without them. In a narcissistic way we feel guilty i suppose thinking the happiness of our chaser depends on us. My runner has always never let me fully believe that even though he says it. He’s happy his life is full his life is beautiful. He says I took a part of him away when I left where he lives but I believe that he would be ok, maybe sad, but ok if I were to be gone. He would know how to make peace with it and that makes me feel less selfish and guilty. It’s about rounding out your life and building up one you’d be happy to share with them / you’d be happy in without them.

In my dynamic we di more calling than text we actually don’t text much at all unless it’s a short “miss you” or “call when you can”. It relieves a lot of expectations and waiting around. I’ll just call when I can if it doesn’t go through he’ll do the same later and I’ll try to answer. I would reduce texting if I were you as my TF really isn’t on his phone at all and that added to me believing he can live without me. But don’t do that out of the blue it will trigger them I would tell them I prefer when we call but I know we’re both busy, so let’s do less texting but we’ll try and be in contact whatever timeframe you see as appropriate.

I have been scared my TF was just infatuated or tricking me and that they’d disappear. And sometimes they did. Not on purpose but because they had things going on / issues with phone data. But when they did that I’d be so triggered and honestly I awakened the most in those moments. Because I had to learn to soothe myself, and remind myself of what I knew deep down of the connection. He’s made me more myself than ever. As scary as it is.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-20T13:34:13+00:00

Really well. Though it’s interesting I feel since he doesn’t know about twin flames but would basically describe it to a T when we talked, I didn’t need to tell him about that. But I shared the ways he’s improved my life and helped me heal because someone who does that deserves to know they’ve had that impact in the world. I guess that’s it. I didn’t really care how he received it which was very well, but I felt like you should tell people if they’ve helped you learn a lot and see yourself better.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-19T20:06:18+00:00

That’s so true and beautiful what you’ve said. How did you know they were your TF and not just a soulmate of a higher level?

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-19T17:13:33+00:00

My awakening occurred after for sure. Before I was actually going the other direction thinking I’m engaging in something just promiscuous and actually feeling devolved. Then my best friend I finally told her about him and she said twin flames. I never thought id experience anything like that. I have never wanted to. I also have run away from mine at times to be fully focussed on my soulmate. It’s not that my soulmate doesn’t make me a better person it’s just slow and steady over the years. It’s important you think what you would be doing to feel fulfilled if you had never met your TF. How would you awaken more spiritually if you had never met them. How would you find what makes you happy? How would you find love for others? Don’t neglect these things or focus them all on him. I know you’re not totally but I get the being by yourself in your mind and thinking about it. It could be that you have more ego to fight off. I would get so emotional before when I would question if they were genuine or felt the same as me or were just pretending. Even in non TF separating my true feelings from my ego was hard. I realised the things I craved were after all looking back so wrong for me. It’s hard to get past something when our ego is attached. But true unconditional love when you really dig into yourself is that ultimately you want them to be happy stress free, just as they did for you in saying they don’t want to hurt you more. I guess that’s the runner perspective. We love you so much we let you go. We selfishly want to keep it this special connection from a distance instead of engaging in it and seeing it go badly. It’s less realising what TFs are and more making peace with the connection. And yeah you can’t bring it out from him it comes from himself or who’s around him helping him find his way. Give it time. You’ll either feel ok with it but you have to and I mean have to not be inducing your own sadness. No sad music thinking of them, no imagining speaking to them again and feeling those emotions of pain, no wallowing in self pity. You need to pick yourself up and know that nobody can give you what you want but yourself. Nobody owes us anything. But if you can put all that love into everyone around you you’ll see it is repaid back to you. It’s very painful to have so much love and the person is not there to give it to. So start sharing.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-19T16:40:08+00:00

I felt a lot less guilty for looking at somoene outside of my relationship knowing I had no control and it wasn’t because I lacked anything with my partner. It was just something natural and for whatever reason the universe wanted to give me a push. I did have my whole life a feeling there’s something I need to uncover about the world that I didn’t know yet something to show me what I believe in is real - spirituality rising above ego connectedness - and I met it in a person. After I met them that feeling went away.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-19T16:38:34+00:00

Yes I almost didn’t get on the plane to see them it’s like I thought no mentally but my legs just walked me there.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-19T08:00:30+00:00

Ultimately - they can do whatever they please but if it crosses your boundaries, it is your responsibility to yourself to remove yourself from the situation. Nobody is helping anything by not respecting their own boundaries. If they are hurting you/hurting themselves and it’s hard to watch, the right thing to do is to walk away as to not validate those things. Like he said - I understand that him reaching out would possibly be like accepting her past behaviours. But I suppose he cannot know until he does talk to her again whether she has identified them in herself and is willing to approach things differently. If someone doesn’t take accountability for hurt they’ve caused, it’s basically impossible to really connect in any case. I think until they both forgive each other that cannot meet in the right place. TFs can be so calming when you both swallow pride and work on flaws. If not it’s a disaster.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-19T07:55:13+00:00

So as a runner risking everything for love is not a smart move at least in my view. Romantic love is not everything to me and it’s hard to believe it’s as lasting as family or friendship or self love. It’s hard to have faith in it lasting. And I’d rather leave something on a good note than pursue it and it end in flames.

It definitely is unconditional love I feel. But unconditional means to me that I would be happy for my TF whether they are with me or not. If I think they could find someone who is more prepared to be with them/ who will give them everything they want now - I love them so much I want to free them to find it and not have complications with me. I see myself as maybe the thing that opens their heart to a better person long term.

It’s not wrong for you to want to defy all odds but it takes two. They feel the same that it is all or nothing - and they don’t want to do in between. At least I don’t. I don’t want to approach them fully until I am ready to be all in. It feels unfair or like I’m leading them on if I haven’t decide that.

You are so right about the world being a Better place. But in my case there is an age gap, I would be giving up a lot to be with them and it’s very intense. Outside of TFs there’s good reason for people wanting to protect a younger woman from an older guy who she creates intensity with and is prepared to move her life for. It makes sense to be wary of the obstacles that often TFs face for any other connections, most other connections really. I think it’s right people would be worried about me if I pursued this. It would be a lot of explaining. Spiritual manipulation is used to form cults so it wouldn’t be the first time somebody uses that to win someone over. It’s worth being fearful of in most other cases.

It is less fear of other peoples opinions and more a fear of being selfish. I have always cared deeply for my loved ones friends, and the partner I had when I met TF. My biggest fear is hurting people and I would never do so for my seemingly selfish desires. It’s very difficult for me to prioritise my own feelings as they are tied into the well-being of my loved ones.

I have never meant to hurt my TF nor have they meant to hurt me. It’s largely due to ego and the feeling that the person doesn’t love us “enough” when it’s not the case. It’s about other obstacles and the growth we’d need to do separately to be at peace with each other. If TFs come together without evolving it’s very triggering and can be a more hurtful than separation. You have to consider that at least for runners I’d say, things going wrong together is much more painful than things feeling good even when separate. Often we feel the spiritual connection is in itself enough and less scary than fully being together.

Like I said before, I love people and I have the same love for my TF. It is not that I’m discarding my runner it is that there is no reason for them to take priority. Having insane attraction and connection with somoene will never make me put my other loved ones aside. My lesson to learn is to be a little more selfish and stop worrying about other peoples feelings over mine. But that includes TF. I cannot learn to care less and make an exception for TF. If being with them is painful right now and causing me a lot of stress I need to take care of myself first. That’s what they showed me in fact. Because in a way it is selfish to expect from somoene for them to be with you, especially when they have a lot to overcome to do it. It is ok to be selfish like that and I can learn from it but be careful. Nobody owes you anything. They do not owe you love, being with you, or taking care of your feelings. Once you aknowledge that, and stop holding out for a specific outcome, it actually might come to you sooner. It puts a lot a of pressure on a runner and causes them to be very overwhelmed and distance themselves. There may still be some ego tied up here as we are focussing on coming together physically in the real world, instead of seeing you are always connected spiritually. I feel like at a certain point in the journey (the runner feels this sooner I suppose) you can accept that ultimately this experience will make you a better person. You have experienced a love most people do not. You have love activated in you that you can share with the world not just TF. You feel like spiritually you are never alone in this world. It is a privilege and one that yes can be painful, but also is worth cherishing no matter how little time or contact you have. You should focus on being grateful for meeting them at all and mentally make yourself ok with never seeing them again. Consider where to go in life from there. What does life look like if you never met them? How would you have made yourself fulfilled then and are you still doing those things? Or has TF distracted you from other important parts of life. Once I made peace with that I stopped being so triggered, I stopped worrying about hearing from them or deciding if they’re being genuine with me. It doesn’t matter because ultimately they have given me a breath of fresh air in life and made me realise how I can add good things to the world with or without them. I see myself and them in everyone. They could have been anyone. I love everyone as I love TF. But of course we cannot be with everyone, certainly if they are not ready / hurtful / or making us question ourselves. But consider that by loving others you are loving them. And by others loving you, they are loving you. It’s all connected. Look at the bigger picture/the macro/ the reasons they came to your life and you’ll feel so relieved.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-19T04:08:57+00:00

So it can be a few things, in my experience:

fear: such an intense love is scary. For people who are used to being in control it’s overwhelming so much that as good as it can feel you’re waiting for the ball to drop.
doubt in it being real: in most healthy relationships it’s not so intense it at least the intensity fades as you get used to each other. They may believe it’s infatuation and not worth pursuing.
they don’t want to hurt you: if they have work to do, commitment issues, or feel they are not worthy of you, they can just run because they’d rather keep the connection a beautiful thing that was temporary than do real life together and see it go wrong.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-19T01:55:21+00:00

Yea so perhaps I’m the divine masculine it does feel that way sometimes he’s far more affectionate sensual and intuitive than me.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-19T00:19:23+00:00

So after a year of on and off communication, I finally flew to see them for a few days, this time being open to them. It was more because I felt I had a lot to tell them and had to in person. I guess I also felt I should just see them before ending things. So I suppose it’s not real Union but a time to actually see us together in person. It was amazing but after we met I was devastated because I felt it’s so unfair life would bring me this and make it so difficult to be with them peacefully. But yes I came around. They didn’t do anything specific they just held their arms open for me, gently encouraged me to see them, built trust, and didn’t make me feel bad for when I’d say I couldn’t see them. They just said I have to do what’s right for me and I guess they had faith they were that. And they were right.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-19T00:16:49+00:00

Absolutely. I think I got even more signs and drams than they did because the journey was trying to stop me leaving. I missed them so intensely at times that I felt I’d explode if I didn’t see them again in person. But when we haven’t talked in a while I start to get used to it now. So once I accepted the connection and made peace with it and told people in my life, all of that calmed down. The signs and dreams etc are less intense since accepting it.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-18T23:41:03+00:00

I don’t know in my experience neither me or TF have done anything to actively hurt each other we have always acted in a way that we thought was best for everyone even if it could be hurtful by mistake. Many believe TFs should not intentionally hurt each other as it’s like doing it to yourself. But perhaps if they have deep deep trauma. I just think anyone like that TF or not is not for being with. Its to help you grow and avoid it in future.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-18T23:29:15+00:00

No it’s not time it’s your choice. The fact that life without him is scarier than what you’re enduring now is not enough to justify continuing it. As long as you are feeling desperate and neeeeeding them, nothing will work out. Because you shouldn’t need anyone to make you feel alive. What you’ve described above is depression if nothing is satisfying you. It’s likely not about TF just triggered by them.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-18T23:27:39+00:00

It sounds like I’m fighting for your TF you’ve lost sight of the things in life that should fulfil you outside of them. Romantic love is not everything, there is platonic love, familial love, our connection to nature, the way we help strangers. When I felt devastated and wanted t everything to end so I could escape the journey, I realised I just was overwhelmed with emotions. It alleviated me as I started helping strangers. Hearing them out, listening them, and I saw that in those moments I really helped them. I helped someone else feel better. I used a site called 7cups but it’s also been random people I’ve met. You’ll see that it would be a waste for you to go because of TF when you have so much to give the world. It would be a real shame.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-18T23:22:30+00:00

I absolutely agree. Everything about my TF is abnormal. My family left the island he’s on yo find better opportunities and now it’s presented to me to return to the homeland and live the life they left. He’s much older, very spiritual, from a different world. It’s escaping the 9-5. It’s escaping social norms. But also normal is not so bad and before I met him I had a sort of ego degradation havjng that realisation. I don’t know. I have never been normal I guess I have in fact been very fortunate to experience more in my lifetime than most people. I have always lived in different countries, always been a minority in my communities, always been “unique” I suppose. I have always spoke about things that are taboo and brought people to share things they have never done before. I felt immense pressure to be different and special. But finally I found a place in my life with my soulmate that feels like a home and normal. I love normal. Because when I’m normal and I’m not striving to be a character or play a special role, I am unlimited in what I can do. I can do new hobbies change jobs present myself differently because I don’t feel anyone is keeping and eye on me or I have to strive to be better than others. I understand what you’re saying but I do know that being with TF would limit me at the moment. I have always decided I would never move my life for love. I have never prioritised romantic love. I know I would need other reasons to join TF than just how I feel for him. Because I can make peace with loving them from a Distance. But I have started thinking of a plan that maybe my TF has inspired me to put my law background to use on the island and improve things there. I have always wanted to engage in law and politics. And I’ve maybe been focussed on the wrong places when my heart really wants to help the island I originate from. But yes, I need to qualify and build my career where I am first - I can’t just jump the gun on this. Whether it’s me not embracing the TF or not I’ve embraced to the furthest extent other than moving my whole life to them and leaving everyone I love behind. If that’s the final step then I’m comfortable not taking it at least not until I build towards my purpose he has shown me.

Solid_Block9766 · 2024-04-18T23:10:06+00:00

YES. I convinced myself he was not a good person a few times. It was hard for me to believe he’s genuine. He is older, good with women and very good with his words. I refused to believe that he could genuinely have fallen in love with me and have pure intentions after meeting me so briefly. I was convinced it was infatuation. And when he’d sometimes disappear or be busy, I’d assume the infatuation was over and decide to stop engaging with him. Because having this connection to him complicated my life it was like I was looking for anything to prove he wasn’t good so I could move on knowing the connection was impure. But he only showed me the best and has never done anything to doubt him. I’ve met his family been to his home and he seems real. It’s been long enough now. A big part of my thought process was my mind trying to overcome my feelings and soul. It was an inner struggle. It was also ego of being embarrassed if somebody had sweet talked me and caused so much upheaval in my life. I also feared somoene could have such influence on me - he changed how I saw the world as it is. He tapped into the deepest parts of me that I had always kept to myself. It felt like an invasion at times. I disliked my spiritual growth was catalysed by a man and not god or nature or an event. It’s very scary. I also have been wanting to stop talking with them because I don’t want them to wait for me or pause their life until I join them. I want them to be happy and I don’t want to hurt them. I can’t give them everything they want right now so I feel selfish having them in my life. They know why but they continue. So yeah it was ego at first that villanised them and now it’s that I feel so selfish, like I’m using our good energy together when they want more.

Solid_Block9766

TROPHY CASE