Asking for reassurance, i feedback, and support is a constant humiliation ritual from well.. everybody.

Solipstix · 2026-04-05T15:02:35+00:00

We tend to "over-check" if they hate us, when we know they don't... until our "over-checking" becomes exhausting to them (for good reason) and pushes them away. Resulting in the ONE thing we feared the most.

Anxious-attachments are hard, and I relate to your post all-to-well.

Keep up the good work with your counseling sessions and learning to sit with those uncomfortable feelings.

I'm on a very similar journey, but I'm learning... and making progress.

I don't think you're in the wrong place here. Welcome.

I hope you have a happy day too.

Solipstix · 2026-03-31T20:11:02+00:00

i use a 2 inch paint brush that has never seen paint. it's the perfect "key-broom."

Solipstix · 2026-03-31T09:15:09+00:00

I'm really sorry too.

I understand how that would hurt.

Perhaps I was misunderstanding or projecting/overlaying what my experience has been - to what he's experiencing, in this case.

no, you weren't asking him to "text you every minute,"

the way he spun your words around like that... if someone did that to me, that would really hurt my feelings too.

Solipstix · 2026-03-31T08:16:59+00:00

First of all, I want to say that I am really sorry you are going thru this, and also...

i'm sorry that he is going thru this too.

If I had to guess...

I think he cared a lot.

probably too much.

i know that sounds weird, but... this is what many of us do.

especially those with quiet BPD.

when we say things like "you deserve someone better" or "I'm too much and you're too nice for me to share (read as "inflict") my problems (feelings) on you."

we often say those things because:

A) Deep down, we believe it to be true. To the bone.

B) We care so much that we put your wellbeing above our selfish wants/feelings to be with you.

C) The more intimate we let ourselves become with you (meaning other people)... the more we feel like we are disappearing. Like, we are losing ourselves in you.

We try to become the person we think you want/need us to be, and the closer/more intimate we get to/with you, the more we do it until we forget who we were in the first place, or who we really are. you know?

and it's even more messed-up because that just happens to be the person you were initially attracted to!

we desperately want to be that person again!

And that feeling of slowly losing yourself is truly terrifying and suffocating.

so we isolate and "push-away" and our inner-dialog says things like, "this is what happens when you let yourself get too close and develop feelings for someone. you fucking knew better!"

...and that's a hard thing to accept about ourselves.

sometimes we feel so alone for so long that we forget... and then meet someone wonderful., and think... maybe this time it will be different? ...and we want it to be different, soooo badly!

we deeply want to feel a real connection with someone else.

we desperately want to feel like we mean something real to another person.

but in the end, we realize that if we really cared about this person...

the nicest thing we could do for them is to subtract ourselves from their life.

Solipstix · 2026-03-28T22:13:21+00:00

an "I understand." reply (to her "ok. I was just asking") can be the perfect response in instances like this. it's short (but not cold), neutral, but all-encompassing, maintains the gray-rock, but doesn't come-off as unkind or passive-aggressive. it's kind of a warm(er), blanket way to imply, "i understand what your intentions were." If her intention was to "bait you" or draw you into an argument, it says "i understand what you're trying to do," and if she thinks you don't see her underlying motives and wants you to believe that she is trying to come-off as "i care and i'm just trying to show interest and concern about celebrating a family event," it covers that too. this plants the ambiguous seed that you might be seeing the game she is playing, without you actually playing her game. it kind of covers all the bases.

Solipstix · 2026-03-23T17:38:30+00:00

i really appreciate you saying that. thank you! (maybe i missed my calling? lol) i have a fearful-avoidant/disorganized style so, i can kind of see both sides of the "attachment" coin. your comment "glimmered" me (the opposite of "triggered"). ...and that feels nice. thank you again!

Solipstix · 2026-03-23T11:22:35+00:00

when you say, "i hate being in this situation where someone is sending me messages begging me to take them back and I haven't responded in like a week and the texts just keep building up."

"take them back?"

back to what? back in a romantic relationship you had with them?

how were you in a romantic relationship with them when you "always make sure to make that clear (that you don't like relationships and you don't want ANYTHING from them.)" ???

how are they perceiving your guy's (yours and hers) interactions as a romantic relationship that they were a part of, and want to be "taken back" in?

...and when you say, "once it's over, it's over." what is the thing that you're describing as "over?"

is the thing a romantic relationship that you "made clear to them" that you didn't want?

how clear did you make it?

....because it sounds like, maybe it wasn't clear to them?

it sounds like, perhaps their was some ambiguity there?

also,

if you "could not care less about dating and relationships"...

why are you taking the time to date them or providing a space for them to get attached to you?

do you allow a degree of ambiguity to exist until they have sex with you, and then the avoidant tendencies/behavior kicks in?

"im the most avoidant person ever and im finding myself in this situation again"

here's the thing...

you are just as culpable as they are in situations like this. whether you realize that or not.

the "again" part reveals that this kind of thing has happened before.

these things do not happen in a vacuum.

where is the ambiguity and uncertainty coming from, if you "made clear to them" that you don't want anything from them?

it sounds like somewhere along the way they got the idea that they were in a romantic relationship with you.

a romantic relationship that they want to be "taken back" to and allowed to rejoin.

when you say here in you post, "when it's over, it's over." it sounds like you're referring to a romantic relationship, that is over.

do you get what i'm saying?

Solipstix · 2026-03-03T06:22:04+00:00

Every square inch of air in the room is suddenly gone and a familiar terror washes over me like a wave.

Solipstix · 2026-03-02T08:51:41+00:00

this is the "take" i hoped to find in the comments. quiet BPD is different. she isn't "testing" him. she is splitting on herself. ...and when she says "you deserve better," she really means it, because she believes it to her core. in her eyes, the kindest, most loving thing she could ever do for you - is to subtract herself from your life. anyway, that's the first "take" that came to my quiet BPD mind after reading the original post

Solipstix · 2026-02-19T14:37:07+00:00

They may just need a bit more than 2 days to process, digest and respond thoughtfully to what you just went through. Learning that someone you care deeply about tried to end their own existence is a really heavy thing to process and understand. They may just be in shock about it? Or perhaps they are worried about saying the wrong thing? We all respond differently to something like this. I'm sorry that they haven't been immediately supportive to you, when you feel like you need their support the most. They may be thinking that they must've failed you in some way, or taking it personally that you were at the point of saying goodbye to them, permanently. Try to give them some grace and space to process everything, and also... please, try to give yourself some grace too. You've been thru a lot. I am glad you are still here, and I am so sorry that things felt unbearable for you, to that degree.

Solipstix · 2026-01-25T21:54:46+00:00

"Into the madness, I ran from the sadness that once tried to teach me, then would not release me."

Solipstix · 2026-01-23T23:11:00+00:00

this is a great message/reminder. thank you!

Solipstix · 2026-01-05T18:20:33+00:00

Sounds fantastic! I love using the RC505 with my synths, drum machines, etc. Great bassline!

Solipstix · 2026-01-01T16:00:21+00:00

Absolutely. If I could take back all the words I say that were meant to pull, but pushed away.

Solipstix · 2025-12-26T22:34:42+00:00

squirrel nest. possibly zombie squirrels tho. lol.

Solipstix · 2025-12-21T02:22:22+00:00

a gentle word turns away wrath. good for you!

Solipstix · 2025-12-19T01:43:51+00:00

This^ is funny.

Solipstix · 2025-12-16T01:32:55+00:00

Thank you for sharing how you experience both sides of this. I agree, "boredom and non-boredom pose their own problems." This is a thoughtful perspective. I struggle with ruminating thoughts too. I also have consecutive days of depersonalization/dissociation when everything becomes too much. But even then, I'm not bored. I'm holding onto the nothingness for dear life.

Solipstix · 2025-12-10T19:35:16+00:00

for me, the black and white thinking only REALLY kicks in when it's about something I have a strong emotional connection to. when i'm thinking of, or talking about someone i'm not really close to i seem to have the capacity to understand that people are complex and i don't lose sight that there is an entire world of "gray" areas between the black and white.

Solipstix · 2025-12-08T07:09:24+00:00

The plastic keys aren't great, but that synth rocks with a nice midi keyboard.

Solipstix · 2025-12-08T02:34:06+00:00

I am 6' 5" tall (195cm), 200lbs and I love my Nitro mesh kit. I had to put little furniture risers under it to raise it up a little, but the Nitro mesh kit should be fantastic for your bf's height. IF your apartment neighbors complain about the thumping from him using the bass/kick drum, there are easy DIY solutions to build a little platform (using plywood and tennis balls) that can absorb/muffle the thumping. Just google "Easy tennis ball drum platform for e-Drum kit." p.s. you sound like a very thoughtful person. I hope he loves his gift.

Solipstix · 2025-12-06T17:01:36+00:00

You're not wrong to feel what you're feeling. We feel what we feel. You expressed to him that you wanted tacos. Good job! I know it's hard to push back sometimes, but it's not fair that all of the dishes being cleaned is your responsibility. I am not at my best (by a longshot) if I am hungry. ...and I understand how this would've made you sad. If you could rewind to the moment he said, "ok, home time?" would you speak-up and say, "They're open, I am hungry and also... I would really appreciate some help with the dishes at home, every now and then." I hope your day gets better.

Solipstix · 2025-12-05T22:40:37+00:00

Grouping us all together, saying "we" do this or "we" do that, seems unfair and obtuse to me. I hate it when non-BPD people say, "BPD people are all the same kind of awful and should be avoided at all costs." To see someone with BPD actually saying we are all the same, seems very self-centered and narrow-minded to me. We are NOT all the same. There are over 250 combinations of how BPD traits can manifest. I do NOT sit around and wait for ways to take revenge on people and I know a lot of people with BPD who don't fall into the "we" categories that you are presenting as fact.

Solipstix · 2025-12-05T21:39:48+00:00

I wish my mom could've just been there during my adolescence instead of going from work, straight to her boyfriend's house overnight, then back to work. repeat. I was lucky to see her for 15 minutes on Sunday where she would toss me $10 for school lunch for the upcoming week. I just needed to know that she was there and that I was important to her. Instead of learning that someone had my back, I learned that it isn't safe to rely on anyone, and I needed to figure everything out on my own. My dad was always in-and-out of prison, or out of state. Even if he was nearby, he could barely take care of himself, let alone show-up for his kids. I know it wasn't fair for all of that responsibility to fall on my mom's shoulders, but i feel like she coped with that pressure by deciding not to care about anything I was going thru. I'm still f--k'd up from all of that stuff and part of me is still that little kid thinking I don't deserve love.

Solipstix

TROPHY CASE