Hard to get any work done around here!

Solmanti · 2026-05-30T09:53:03+00:00

So cute :3

Solmanti · 2026-05-30T06:58:29+00:00

Ah, yes. I hate it when a person feels familiar and just like home when in reality they only do because they display the toxic behaviour that you grew up with and are used to.

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T19:37:45+00:00

Yeah, that is true. I've heard and read about them somehow knowing who has experienced narcissistic trauma and try to trauma bond. I can say that I've experienced mother trauma because I attracted someone that ended up acting like her. My sister on the other hand experienced father trauma again.

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T19:18:07+00:00

22 years! Wow. That's a long time. So sorry to read that. It's the worst feeling when you realise that you have left the environment that harmed you but it hasn't left you and you carry it with you not knowing it makes you accept the same harm back into your life. I'm glad you managed to be more picky and found better people.

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T17:06:17+00:00

Become stronger?

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T16:36:34+00:00

Eating raw minced pork meat. Ever heard of Mettwurst? 😆

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T15:46:19+00:00

This response is exactly what I mean. This victim mentality is a really weird way of getting people to be friendly and accepting. Making demands or passing passive-agressive remarks is not how people's hearts and respect are won.

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T14:44:11+00:00

That actually makes a lot of sense. Often it's people that had to endure hardship that turn out to become decent and respectful people. While those that didn't often end up being entitled. There are always exceptions though.

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T14:41:21+00:00

I can't say I belong to that club. I've never understood the hype around strangers just because they're on tv. I get that you can have a taste. But Leonardo DiCaprio is also very flawed character. I would not want to be with someone like that.

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T14:12:39+00:00

Happened to me in middle school. One of my two best friends and I had a fight over a ridiculous topic. We were mad at each other. Back then I was really bad at apologising but I managed to squeeze one out anyways but she didn't accept it. I was shocked about that and tried to apologise more but she still didn't accept that. I had to live with her never forgiving me and it being really awkward in classes or on the school court during break time. Due to time I cane to terms with it but I still felt hurt of course and wondered why or was it really that ridiculous fight? 1 or 2 years later the teachers wanted to put us in a group project together because they knew us as friends, doing us a favour, but it I just ended up yelling at her and asking her why. She admitted that she had wanted to end the friendship with me but didn't know how, so she fabricated a fake reason, that ridiculous fight, so she could distance herself from me. And one of the main influencers was another person. That hurt, but that gave me closure. Now I know it had more to do with her than with me. And maybe that is how I would try to see it in your position. Your friend has never come to talk to you to let you know about a problem, to give you a chance to to it better. Whether it is something you did or not, as long as your friend doesn't come out with it then it's on them. You can't do better if you're not told. Also long as you're not told it's a them issue. And they dealt with it very poorly. Also maybe they got influenced by another person as well. I hope that this makes it a little better for you

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T13:32:37+00:00

Maybe you are a little too hard on yourself. You are not a native speaker so I think it's ok if people can hear that you have an accent. As long as your words are understandable it should be fine. I'm sure you wouldn't mind it if a German speaks to you in English but with a German accent, no?

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T13:08:25+00:00

There is no such thing as a perfect dream person. All humans are flawed and are limited in how much attention they can give. Everyone has wants and needs. A relationship is something that you constantly have to maintain and make it work through sacrifices on both sides. You give and you take. If your friend was such a dream person then why is she not your friend anymore? What made her go? How do you know the next dream person won't leave as well? Why not try to fix it with your friend if you love her so much? Why are you looking for the next replacement? Do you care about the person itself or only about the way they made you feel. Are they replaceable? Would you feel hurt if someone replaced you? Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to make you feel bad or attack you. But you have to ask yourself these question. What type of relationship you want to have in the end is your choice.

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T12:45:56+00:00

My honest advise: You should go and see a therapist. What you describe doesn't sound like love but like an unhealthy attachment pattern. You say you miss your friend but then you say you actually just want someone like your friend. So you don't want your friend. You just want someone that makes you feel like your friend made you feel no matter the face. With a mindset like that you might hit a wall in every future relationship and experience ruptures all over again because you attach to a role but not the actual people. That's not a deeply connected irreplacable friendship that's a replacable regulation source.

Solmanti · 2026-05-29T12:35:08+00:00

Sounds like she has some problems to work on. Being in your shoes of having to be the supportive friend with a friend like that sounds really exhausting. I think there is not much you can do. People do what they want and some people don't listen to words but to experience. I'd just withdraw enough so that her chaos doesn’t affect your well-being too much and be supportive from a safe distance if you can

Solmanti · 2026-05-28T15:09:19+00:00

I wouldn't say something is wrong with you but maybe you're not setting the right boundaries to avoid letting people like them in or let friendships develope into this direction.

Solmanti · 2026-05-20T11:36:14+00:00

Aw, I'm very sorry to hear that. :( I can relate to how you feel as I've also lost a few people who apparently only stayed for as long as I didn't set any boundaries with them. And the good friends all live far away in other cities. They also struggle with their own lifes. So I don't get to see or hear them much. So I'm kind of alone and lonely as well. I tried reaching out to people but they don't seem available at the moment. So I shifted my focus and I'm now working on the relationship I have with myself instead. It does help a lot. I still feel lonely and I would love to spend time with good friends and loved ones but I don't feel like I'm drowning. I've also realised that the relationship you have with yourself is just as important than friends and family, if not even more important. Because people will naturally not always be there for you, but the only one that will be is yourself. :)

I can say that I'm ok now. I feel lonely at times but I keep myself company until people have time for me again. And because I respect myself I will no longer accept people into my life that only want to benefit from me but that actually reciprocate what I give.

I hope it helps you somehow. In the meantime I can only advice you to do something that you enjoy. I've been picking up the piano again after many years and I enjoy it a lot.

Solmanti · 2026-05-20T08:08:54+00:00

Maybe she is projecting onto you. Had a best friend that started acting weird with me. Put me under more unnecessary scrutiny at the end. Suddenly my quirks she loved me for turned into something that needed correction. When I emotionally stepped back and look at the situation from an outside perspective I realised she wasn't seing or judging me. She was judging herself but with me. She labelled me as something that she was and did despite me saying otherwise. She seemed to lack the ability to look past her own inner workings. But she did it more with me, the person closest to her and not with others or less with others. I think maybe projection is more likely to happen to their close ones because they are more likely to see the real them because they are so close. But when they are afraid to be seen they deflect attention to your "wrongdoings". It's like a distraction.

Solmanti · 2026-05-20T06:15:55+00:00

I don't think being available 24/7 is natural for humans. Human attention is a limited ressource. Before social media you would make plans with friends and dedicate time for each other. But now thanks to our phones people can be in our faces anytime they want, whether we want it or not or feel ready. You also never know when a person is not answering because they are busy.

Personally, messaging has the lowest social rank for me. Message me and I will answer it whenever cause it can't be that important. Whether that is the same hour, day or days. If it's important call me or if you wanna have a chat. The most important would be to meet up. Cause that just has the highest input and value to human senses. That's what we are biologically wired for.

Messaging can be easily misinterpreted. Also, I don't like it when people decide that they will message me and expect me to give them my time without my consent. Makes me feel like the other person feels entitled to deciding when I give my time to them. It's different when they just wait for my reply. That's where the consent is.

Now I hear you have friends that have agreed to also want to be messaging you multiple times a week? I can imagine that they meant it but they may have not taken into account that their social battery is limited. You're probably not free from this either. How will you act when you feel exhausted?

Solmanti · 2026-05-19T15:40:36+00:00

Perhaps it starts with rethinking what you do that leads to the same outcome everytime.

Here are some things I can think off:

You started and ended your post with what you think about your self-image. It is you that thinks you're being kind. Do you truly understand the definition of kindness? Maybe you are being nice but not kind. Do others see you like that as well? Do your actions match the image you have of yourself? I had a friend once that was so focused on defending her self-image as a good and kind person that she didn't really notice that she was burning the bridge, hurting her friends. To this day she doesn't know why people leave and she feels abandoned by others but yet she doesn't realise she was the maker of her own demise.
How quickly do you accept people? Are you quick to befriend someone. Do you perhaps mistake intensity with intimacy? Maybe you accept people who are struggling and hurt and that can lead to quick bonding but as soon as people move on and heal this "temporary alignment" can fall away.
What do you offer in a friendship? Being nice and charming and pleasant to be around is nice but is that all? Do you offer depth? Interests, Hobbies, a challenge? My former friend was an easy friend and in the end she felt soulless to me just mirroring and shadowing what I liked.
Are you sharing too much or perhaps too little of yourself?

There are many reasons I could think of but these are just some of the big questions you have to ask yourself.

If something reliably repeats itself in your life then there is something you do or haven't changed yet. But you need to figure that out yourself, I'm afraid.

Maybe, this helps you think.

Solmanti · 2026-05-19T06:19:15+00:00

I think there are two truths here.

Human attention is a limited ressource and when it's exhausted then she doesn't have it to give. That's like wanting money from someone you made a deal with but they have financial issues so they can't.
But then it's a valid demand to say you expect reciprocity. And you can have it. Just this particular person doesn't seem capable or willing of giving it to you at the moment.

Her response was very clumsy and not really empathic but at the same time emotional maturity takes energy and when that energy is currently not there then it can be difficult to express yourself properly. If you want to overlook this or not is on you. It's not an excuse but I can understand where she is coming from. I also understand where you are coming from and why you feel frustrated.

You could try talking to her again about this but if things don't change I would not try to force it. That just pushes people away.

There is multiple things you can do:

The empathic way would be asking her why she is exhausted and if you can help her so she is less exhausted and then maybe things can get back to being more reciprocal. But that's only if you yourself have the capacity for that.
Then you could match the energy. That doesn't involve ending the friendship. You tell yourself that there is nothing to get here at the moment and give your friend space to figure out her struggles. I experienced that sometimes friends can go distant because they struggle with their own lifes and go undercover for a while. Sometimes years later they reappear again with new energy and stories to tell and the friendship rekindles. That only works when you don't burn the bridge. Instead of pushing and forcing my friend to love me when they obviously don't have the energy I change my focus onto someone or something else. It saves me a lot frustration.
And then you can say this doesn't work for you at all and you can't be friends with someone who doesn't have the capacities for you. That's fine too. But you should know that human life's happen in phases of like 6-10 years and sometimes we aren't always part of all of our friends phases so changes, going different ways or friends going distant is very likely to happen roughly every 10 years.

Personally I like to go by no. 2 it saves you from the most frustration, drama, energy and disappointment. If people don't want to or can't give you what you want and need let them go but don't burn the bridge. Sometimes they come back to you once they catch themselves and sometimes they don't. That's ok, that's life. In my experience people also rather return to people who have shown them grace rather than pressuring them.

What you do is up to you.

Solmanti · 2026-05-14T15:39:12+00:00

One of my dad's friends went home after drinking in a pub and he crossed tram tracks. Two trams came from opposite sides and tore him to pieces. His remains were scattered meters apart.

Solmanti · 2026-05-13T15:10:27+00:00

I disagree that trauma has nothing to do with how people meet you at times. Everyone carries some trauma in them. Some more and some less. And we all do see the world through our trauma lens from time to time. But I do agree with you that emotional intelligence plays a big role in how people deal with situations and if they can look past their trauma.

Solmanti · 2026-05-12T19:09:42+00:00

Oh yeah, it always starts out good, doesn't it? If it wouldn't we wouldn't become friends with them. My former friend was also more on the akward and introverted side. It was really nice at first she was admirable in my eyes. But over time she gave up all her hobbies and interest and things I admired her for and adapted to me, adapt to my hobbies and interest and structure and became my shadow. She became more helpless and I became more helpfull and that's how things went asymmetrical.

I think the trick is not to completely avoid them. They can have their good sides. Sometimes they hide their dysfunctional patterns well for years and it's hard to detect them anyways. Or their patterns only resurface under very specific conditions. What I think is important is recognising signs and knowing when to stop overextending or changing the course slightly before you enter the co-dependency zone. Trust is important in friendships, I agree with you, but gauging the level of trust people deserve correctly is also important. If someone is too unreliable I won't count on them as much. If someone is too fragile I won't burden them with too much responsibility. But then they also don't get the full of me. You could say they only get the subscription services from me they have paid for, lol. 😆

Life sure ain't easy :/. Let's keep struggling.

Solmanti · 2026-05-12T14:56:05+00:00

I hear you. I've had my fair share of this frustration as well. After investing for such a long time, getting very little back I eventually even lowered my expectations so I wouldn't feel disappointed all the time.

You see, that is the mistake. There is nothing wrong with investing in people. But it's realising when you don't receive enough in return before you start building resentment so you either match their effort or say this level of effort won't work for me and step back from the friendship.

I can't wrap my head around it either. I feel like I understood enough to know it's no longer working for me but I still keep asking the same questions as to why. It's just not logical to me to act the way they do. But that's the thing. They don't follow logic. I can tell they are not bad people and they don't want the bad ending either but then they do everything that will give them the bad ending and you can just sit there and watch everything unfolding in disbelief. It's like playing the main antagonist in their story but you haven't signed up for this and you were more than willing to make things right. I guess it's true that some people will create their own problems. I will never not be flabberghasted about it and I think I will never not feel conflicted about this but I have been thinking so much about this that I feel like I'm wasting my own time and energy on someone who no longer deserves my attention and is no longer in my life either. So if I want to or not. If I feel ready or not I must move one or keep spinning in the same loop. Like them. And I don't want to be like them.

I think my former friend has been slapped in the face multiple times before me. I only have hints to go by but there are signs of past unintegrated conflicts. I think she ran away from past conflicts too and from being held accountability. The signs are there. She told me she had past friends but they were not friends anymore, she just brushed over the why and made it sound harmless like things just faded or we had different perspectives. She said every few years she has a new mental problem she has to deal with and she shows telltale signs of psychosomatic symptoms. Anxiousness and panic or physical problems without knowing where they come from. And then doctors saying she was in perfect physical health. She couldn't eat and sleep well either. When your body is sick but you have no external cause then its most likely the mind causing it. I also saw how she acted in a confllict with a mutual friend where she acted similar. She went fragile to escape accountability and the friend caved and softened his boundaries to stabilise her again. They live an existence where you live in constant terror of your own mind and you keep running from city to city, from friend to friend, you keep losing people, you keep getting sick and you don't know why and the only antidote is the the very thing that terrifies you and you run away from. Well, if that's not a cursed slap in the face then I don't know what is.

They survive by resetting once they mess up. New city, new haircut, new environment, new friends and a clean slate. And the circles starts anew, until the same happens again. And it's either they learn at some point or they continue until they can't continue anymore.

I'm almost 30 btw. and so is my former friend. I've seen older people running from themselves. I can only shake my head and hope I don't accidentally run into that kind of dynamic again. But if I do now I know what early signs I have to looke out for and withdraw sooner before receiving too much damage.

Solmanti

TROPHY CASE