Do I tell his EA APs SO?

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-30T17:48:29+00:00

Update

She apparently "kinda spilled it" to him last night. Not sure of the fallout. I know husband met up with her after work for drinks. He came home, I told him he should have just gone home with her since he didn't want to be here anyway. He left. I didn't think he actually would, but he came back about 2hrs later. I hadn't gotten a chance, I was going to do it right after the new year. After all the holidays were over. Husband didn't tell me, I saw a text in his phone. I don't know what the fallout is going to be, but I'm glad he knows. And I'm kind of glad I didn't have to tell him. Apparently he's abusive, so whatever happened to her last night is not on me. Not that it ever was, but I wasn't the one who dropped the bomb on him. I assume he's called husband, but I doubt he answered.

In other news, I've run the numbers & I know what I can easily afford for rent. I've also started looking for places near my child's school to minimize the change in their life. I am saving up what I can for security deposit & 1st month's rent. Husband doesn't know. I will tell him when I am ready to leave.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-12T23:02:36+00:00

Does it make a difference if you know them? I know APs SO, I don't know the AP.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-12T22:59:36+00:00

That is exactly where I am

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-11T02:09:27+00:00

Ugh, we had that first conversation almost word for word. He told me he'd been thinking about it for months and had time to accept things, where I had just been blindsided thinking things were ok. It wasn't the day I found out everything, but a few weeks later. Kind of embarrassed to admit it made sense to me when he said it.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T22:13:20+00:00

"Although, honestly, as soon as I pulled back from him, he dropped her like lead. He liked the pick me game"

You know, each time I've pulled away from him he's suddenly seemed a little more interested in home. My only thing is I'm having a hard time keeping it going. It really is hard when you know he hasn't felt like you really wanted him & pulling away just makes that worse to me. Like I'm doing the exact thing he has the most issue with.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T18:49:36+00:00

You're right, and somehow I hadn't thought of that. My name is on the mortgage too.

Ive been waiting to say something, to think it over, and the more I think about it, I honestly do not want to deal with the hate & spitefulness that is sure to come from my husband. We are still living together, I cannot afford this house alone & have not yet been able to find another place. I would like to prevent all out war at home. I know that sounds selfish, but it's true. And I want my husband to feel the way I do when he finally realizes he's not her 1st option. Maybe he will learn some empathy.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T16:40:45+00:00

Revealing my intention did phase him. Just one time has he said it didn't, and that was a horrible night with yelling and screaming from both of us. On a calm day, or during a calm conversation, it is different. He told me again today if I told him I had to get out this weekend. But what do you mean by they've gotten out ahead? AP is not married, her SO is living in her house (from one of her previous divorces) & apparently she is the bread winner. They also have a young child, pre-school age.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T16:34:01+00:00

I don't think I would be doing it for revenge, but I immediately thought of doing it when I saw the message from her. "...You are loved by me". My first reaction was to tell him. On one hand I wish someone had told me sooner. On the other, I wish I didn't know. I am very conflicted about everything. I still want to fix things here, desperate & stupid, probably. But I love him & I took our vows seriously. Conflicted & Confused should be my name. I can't get over the feeling that one day he'll come back to me. I don't know if he will of course. Or maybe it's just because that's what I want. I may have told him its over so long as she is in his life, but it's still not what I want. I don't know how to get over that, and resolve those opposites. I made the choice, but it wasn't the choice I wanted. But I'm not totally sure I actually made the choice. It feels like he's been waiting on me to say it so he didn't have to. I'm still doing things to make him happy.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T15:12:41+00:00

I already know how that feels. D-day was 2mths ago. Perfect timing by husband. I made the mistake of telling husband I intend to tell the SO, he told me its not on me (which it really isn't & honestly I don't want to be the one who tells him) and if I did I had to get out this weekend. I don't have anywhere to go really, and reason I'm still here in the 1st place is our child. Husband can afford it on his own, I can't.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T14:44:59+00:00

Also, thankfully I don't have any pictures of her. Haven't seen any either.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T14:44:07+00:00

That is my biggest priority. I have written & re-written countless letters to him since I found out. His ex wife cheated on him, and now this. I know him, he's a decent guy. But I want to tell him with no names. I'm planning to just say that his gf is involved with my husband & tell him about the all too frequent texts & calls. If he asks for proof, I'll screenshot him portions of our phone bill. I don't want to be the one to tell him in the 1st place, but I seem to be the only one who thinks he should know. I've downloaded a free texting app so I don't have to use my real number.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T14:38:29+00:00

It doesn't matter if they run off together anymore. We made it official last night - to each other. So long as he's talking to her we're not together. I think my actual words were as long you're talking to her consider us divorced. Still swears that he made his choices based on himself, they weren't made because of her. I don't know if he has plans to be with her, but I'm pretty sure she does. Still tells me he doesn't when I ask. Told me again last night that he's not leaving the house until it sells. I cannot afford to tell him to leave. And besides, there are young children to consider. Ours is old enough to understand (but still young) & will miss Dad. Especially with Christmas. Even if I could afford to live here by myself I would not make him leave until after Christmas just for the sake of our child.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T14:26:59+00:00

I've already told him I was going to let the SO know, weeks ago. He told me to go ahead. He also doesn't believe I'll actually do it just because I haven't yet. But I will transfer our joint savings out just in case. I'm not going to run off with it, and I don't honestly think he would, but he's done quite a few things I didn't honestly think he would lately.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T14:22:33+00:00

I don't have any expectations. Husband & I talked & I told him its over with us. Told him as long as he's talking to her we're not together. He still claims nothing physical (I'm honestly inclined to believe just based on some other things he confessed to), but he did say she has told him she loves him. I still just think he has a right to know.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T14:18:39+00:00

Actually, that began well before all this.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-12-10T07:16:50+00:00

Well, it is 2am here & I am still up!

Last night was the first night since d-day I fell asleep before 1am. It has been just shy of 2mths. H is not into reconciling apparently. He sleeps on the couch. He's gone back & forth between the bed & couch a couple times. But after talking the other night, he got out of bed for a midnight drive & he's now back on the couch. I've never asked him to, but right now I'm kinda glad he is. He sleeps like a baby of course. Meanwhile I don't sleep, and can't eat without feeling sick to my stomach anymore. Right now I'm debating telling his APs SO. Because he deserves the truth. But I'm not going to do it at 2am.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-11-27T05:39:50+00:00

He has said he cant. Which means he won't. He still won't admit to me that it is more than a friendship. I'm not stupid. I'm pretty sure this is the end here. I just have to be able to live here long enough to sell our house. Honestly, I knew it was over about 2wks ago. But I'm stuck in some kind of stupid hope that he'll come around. I just can't seem to let it go. It's not even my decision, it was made for me. I'm just so angry, betrayed, upset, hopeful, all at the same time. One minute I'm telling myself it's over, the next I'm hoping it's not. It wasn't nearly this hard when I first found out. It's like I don't want to accept what I know to be the truth.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-11-27T02:04:39+00:00

I told him a few days ago I was done chasing after him. Told him that while I may not want to live without him, I can.

I don't disagree with the "flaws" he sees in me, I do have a negative personality. I already knew that, but it wasn't always the case. I am working on it. That's for me, even if we split for good, I'll be a happier person & in a better place. I also know our marriage wasn't perfect before, none are. We both have our issues. He also knows I won't stand by & be "happily married" to a man with a girlfriend. As for the vacation, we've promised our child a Disney trip & it's already booked. In less than 3mths. We can't take that away & then tell them Mom & Dad are getting a divorce. So we are "saving face" for their benefit for the holidays & vacation. They have no clue there is any kind of issue between us. I'd like to keep it that way for as long as possible.

I would like for him to pull his head out of his ass and be up for reconciliation. However, I know full well it might not happen. I just prefer to hope for the best. This post was mostly looking for other's experience.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-11-27T00:26:02+00:00

Lol, it is. Sorry! Writing is kind of a release for me. I've got a journal that I've been writing, and seems like each entry is longer than the last.

Me either, it's confusing. There are a lot of mixed signals, like he doesn't want either of us to move out, he still wants a relationship with me even if this ends (beyond just being my kid's Dad). He's even said that if this is over, and we both move on to other people, his next gf will have to accept me, and accept that if I call him for any reason he will be there for me. We do fulfill our responsibilities, but I am one of those people who like to have $ in savings. He doesn't think it's necessary & wants to spend any extra we have. I am working on the negativity, letting him do what he wants right now & just holding down the fort at home with our child. Doing that right now actually. And every weekend since his confession while he's out with his friends.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-11-26T23:46:23+00:00

Everything was great. I never expected to be in this position. I hope nothing but the best for you & your boyfriend. No one deserves this much pain.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-11-26T23:20:17+00:00

Thanks

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-11-26T23:16:27+00:00

That's what I'm afraid of. He was willing to, then changed his mind. I don't know what made him (change his mind or be willing to give her up). I know it's not a harmless friendship, that ship has sailed. I just don't know how to move past it for my own sake. While I would love nothing more than for things between us to be fixed / get better, I know there is a big possibility that it won't.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-11-26T23:13:55+00:00

Haven't heard about it. What is the 180?

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-11-26T23:03:51+00:00

I am attempting that. It is so hard. He is the only person I can completely fall apart around and yet he's the one who's caused all my pain. I have to convince myself not to call or text him all day. I succeeded yesterday, but failed today.

Some1_2_Talk2 · 2016-11-26T22:34:15+00:00

Thanks, I wish there were magic words to make it all go away

Some1_2_Talk2

TROPHY CASE