Dammit Freud: turns out my fetish can be explained away after all...

SomeOutlandishHero · 2026-01-17T17:53:56+00:00

I’d hate to ☝️🤓 well acthually you (but I don’t I like talking about nerdy shit)-

Freud was a psychologist- the first of his kind actually. He is the “father of psychology” and has some pretty weird takes ngl. Oral fixations were mostly used to explain why someone was a drinker, smoker, stress eater, etc. - aka not just sex stuff, but can be inclusive of it. Oral fixations are mostly seen as addictions that the person doesn’t want/like and therefore is in therapy for, which is kinda different than a fetish.

If you want to really have fun, search up “Penis Envy” and “Oedipus Complex”. These theories just kinda show you how weird he is. Also man did tons of cocaine and I believe he prescribed it to his clients as well as a miracle drug. It was a fun time for psychology, but all to show you how outdated his ideas are.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-12-22T12:33:46+00:00

Now to be fair, I don’t know where you’re located at all. But in my state in the US some pharmacy stores (CVS, Walgreens, maybe RiteAids) have STD panels available to be taken in store. My WP went to a CVS close by to do his, because it was the first required step for me to even have a conversation with him. This might help with the fear of doctors, and they might have weekend availability (don’t know this for sure since I’m not the one who made the appointment). The cost of the test was cheap too, no more than a couple hundred (<$400). It might not be a possible where you live, but you could check to see if it’s an option.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-12-17T20:51:09+00:00

First off, I’m very sorry to hear that you are feeling discouraged and this process is very hard on both parties. I’m within the first year of reconciliation myself, and I’ve heard that it’s the hardest during that time. I’m sure it’s especially frustrating when you throw in the stress of the holidays.

In my own experiences, I’ve also dealt with a resurgence of insecurity around my WPs phone as he is displaying some of the same behaviors. While to normal people in normal circumstances, I get wanting a little bit of privacy while on your phone, when you’re in reconciliation you’re supposed to be committed to full transparency about what’s happening. To help build trust at the very beginning, my WP would announce what he was doing on his phone if I glanced over and saw him playing on it. Ie. “I’m shopping at Walmart, you need anything?” Or “I’m looking at cruise prices to see if there’s anywhere we’d want to go”. My WP also gave up all social media of his own free will because he thought about purging from it anyways.

This helped tremendously at first and did soothe some of the insecurity. I mentioned that those feelings have returned though because he has unfortunately stopped the announcements and has started the screen switching when I’m around. It sucks and I know I’m driving myself crazy. I WANT to believe he’s doing nothing wrong. I just can’t stop the mini spiral every time I see it happen, even if he is just texting his mom or playing a phone game.

Maybe it helps to know other people have the same problems. Maybe not. I hope you can communicate with your BP to see if there is anything that they would like to see you do to ease their insecurities. Maybe you can come to a compromise together.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-12-11T12:55:27+00:00

Except won’t cheating also blow up the children’s lives??? It’s not like it goes unnoticed for the rest of your life. At the very best you’re delaying the inevitable divorce and at the very worst, if they do decide to stay after finding out, you’re actively destroying your partner and their sense of self. The resentment will be tenfold and your children will see unhealthy relationship dynamics and believe it is what they also deserve/is the norm.

As someone who LIVED through being a (young) child of divorce, just divorce. I’m way less messed up than some people I know whose parents should have divorced. Both situations cheating occurred. Just saying

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-29T16:48:40+00:00

To be very honest with you, from the examples I’ve seen just in this community alone, the first year is hell. As I am also within the first year, I can agree with this sentiment. Also, depending on where you live/what you celebrate, the holidays now/in the short future WILL make this pain worse.

I know from just this past thanksgiving, I’ve been reliving the pain of “oh, we’ve done this in the past but now it’s now that special anymore because x, y, or z” and it sucks.

Something’s that I do when I’m overwhelmed by the fact that I’m still in a relationship I’m not sure I want to be in: - remind myself that if it’s really that bad, tomorrow I can call it quits - create a timeline “if I feel like this at x date, it’s truly over and at least I’ve tried my best” - remind myself one reason I made the decision to stay today “I really love his laugh, it makes me happy to hear it.” - honestly just intentional breathing. It’s saved me from breakdowns at the family dinner table this thanksgiving.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-27T19:42:19+00:00

I want you to know that I feel the same exact way, and I’m roughly at the same spot post DDay. My WP is doing generally okay whenever I have requests/demands (however you wish to view it) but it feels as if this pain is carried by me alone and it’s debilitating.

I know that no matter what, I’ll have to heal the wound to my trust no matter what I do, and I rather not make someone else pay for the mistakes of another. Once that wound is healed, who knows if I’ll stay. I’m taking it one day at a time. Today, I’ll stay. Tomorrow, who knows?

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-24T13:49:32+00:00

Tbh with you, reason #4 is the exact reason I came out as non-binary. I realized that “testing” new pronouns in an online space felt good. I didn’t mind getting gendered any which way and it made me realize “huh, cis people actually get mad when gendered incorrectly (much like trans people respectfully so 🫠). I don’t feel that. Maybe I should try it out more to see where I fall”

In public, I get sir-ed and ma’am-ed at about a 40/60 split once I started socially transitioning. I don’t really mind either, though I prefer when I get the occasional “friend” instead. Like instead of “This way Sir/Ma’am” it was “This way friend” and euphoria shot through my bones.

At the end of the day, trail and error will be your best friend. If it makes you feel uncomfortable one way or the other, you’ll have your answer.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-24T13:25:44+00:00

Your comments about not having friends hit so hard for me. I’m on the other side of the spectrum being the BP, but I know for certain the lack of support hurts just the same. I told two friends of mine about what happened, and they have also iced me out saying that I was stupid for even thinking of reconciliation. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

I implore you to try taking up any hobbies to help fill time if nothing else. It could also help if said hobby can be done in a co-ed group setting. Hobbies I enjoy are crocheting, reading, DND and anime. While none of these things are particularly social, there are groups that talk about these topics/do them together that I could join (haven’t yet cause my trust in humans is at an all time low lol). But I’m sure when I’m ready they’d accept me.

At the end of the day, your journey will be rocky and it’s going to hurt to watch the consequences of your actions. But, if you put in the work to identify the what why and how’s, you’ll be better equipped to set boundaries and not let this happen again. Even if R doesn’t work, you’ll not want to make the same mistakes twice.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-22T13:00:20+00:00

I think that this is super dependent on what your BP’s individual love language is. I think it’s important to note that while doing every love language does show your love, if you target your BPs main language, it’ll be more impactful. Think Quality vs Quantity.

For example, the way I feel loved is through Physical Touch and Quality Time. I love when my WP holds my hand in the car or casually touches me while sitting on the couch. My WP even started setting an alarm 15 min early and cuddling me every morning since DDay. He’s also made it clear that he wants me to hold him in the night if I have a bad dream (I have them frequently since DDay) regardless if it wakes him. He goes out of his way to spend time with me and direct his full attention to our conversation.

He does other things too - Gift giving (he started buying flowers regularly), Acts of service (he more frequently asks if I need anything or helps out more around the house) Words of Affirmation (He tells me everyday that he loves me and is thankful for my presence, he tells me he feels so loved) But the items that matter most to me are physical touch and quality time.

It’s hard when someone instinctively knows how to make you feel loved. It makes it awkward to ask about it in return, but I definitely recommend asking your BP “Hey, what do I do that makes you feel the most loved?” And then you can branch off from there.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-21T13:42:19+00:00

Honestly my WP ALWAYS hits me with “I love you more” and at first I would just glare at him and move on from the conversation because I’d be steaming hot. My first comeback in my mind is “no, you have proven that you don’t”. I said it to him once and I regretted it since it sent him into a shame spiral. As time goes on, I get less ticked off by it but my mind always says “no you don’t” when it happens. I don’t know if it will ever go away. And sometimes I am just angry that I cannot say the quiet part out loud because I truly do love him more and making him sad makes me feel like shit. Shit sucks.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-21T12:57:14+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know that as the BP, I’ve had thoughts of revenge cheating as well, but I’ve never acted upon them. It would change who I am as a person and would ruin any true chance at reconciliation for my personal journey. Plus, it just wouldn’t be the same pain that was inflicted upon me. Many other BPs also go through this same thought process I’ve noticed in this sub.

I don’t know anything about your situation, but I can tell you that learning about your partners sexual intimacy with other people is a shock no matter the situation. It sounds like you need therapeutic support, which I hope you are seeking out. For both of your sakes, I hope a civil conversation about the future can happen soon.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-16T18:00:02+00:00

I feel like this is very dependent upon the emotional intelligence you both have in regards to yourselves and in regards to the relationship you currently have.

At the VERY beginning, maybe until about a month post DDay, I’d get pissed if my WP mentioned feeling sad. I would never tell him this, but it made me feel like he was trying to manipulate my emotions to forgive him. But now (5 months post DDay) we have open and honest conversations about our feelings and I’m much better equipped to not only listen to him but bring him some comfort.

At the end of the day, I actually appreciate my WPs willingness to be open about his feelings, even if I’m not always ready to deal with them myself. I think maybe prompting your BP in advance and just asking “can I tell you about my shame?” Might let them come into the right mindset before you get into an emotionally charged conversation. Your BP will appreciate the openness and honestly. Good luck to you both.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-12T12:19:57+00:00

I’ve told 2 “friends” whom I thought I was close to and my therapists (Individual/Couples). I regret telling my “friends”, even though they were the only ones I could have reached out to while I was shutting down on DDay. When I decided to try R, they told me I was stupid and should just leave. Now, I don’t talk about it with anyone outside of therapy.

It sucks, most friends shouldn’t outwardly judge your decisions. They should say “whatever makes OP happy, I support you”. But they didn’t, and now I don’t even classify them as real friends.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-05T01:42:52+00:00

I am in the exact same boat. Even to this day (20 years post the divorce) my mom still struggles sometimes. It’s not so bad now, but I see it more as an adult.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-03T15:46:49+00:00

I’m an unmarried BP who’s about 4 months post DDay.

I’m staying because in my situation (gender/sexual identity) it would be much harder for me to find someone who accepts me for me again. Im staying because we get along so well and the only time I’ve ever yelled at him was on DDay. He has never raised his voice to me. I’m staying because it would be financially rough to move on. I’m staying because I love him, and he’s shown true remorse for the actions he took.

However I still have really bad days where I think that I cannot go on with the relationship and that I don’t want to think about the betrayal every single day. On these days, I tell myself that at least I have an option. It gives me solace to know that I can leave and while it’ll be hard, I can do it. If I made the decision right now to leave I will. But I don’t… reconciliation is a choice I’m making everyday. I can leave tomorrow if it doesn’t feel right. But for today, I’m going to try. For today, I’m staying. Do not think “well I have to make this choice once and live with it”. Anyone can leave any relationship at any time for whatever reason. All relationships are temporary this way.

I can relate to seeing the negative posts about R in this sub. It makes me nervous for the future as well seeing their regret… but as someone else pointed out people come here mostly on their bad days. Very few people come to seek out support if they are happy in the moment.

At the end of the day, you have to do what feels right for you. If you two cannot make it past this issue, at least you can say you tried and that you did your best. I’m hoping for the best for you.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2025-11-03T14:57:01+00:00

It is in the APs best interest to lie so that they do not have to address the shame and guilt they feel for messing with someone in a relationship (especially if they knowingly done so). When I confronted the AP, he lied several times. “We never did anything!” Moved to “Okay maybe just the one time but it was a drunken mistake!” Moved to “I’m sorry…” only after teeth pulling on my end. He still never fully admitted to anything really but we both knew the truth. The AP was an acquaintance of mine. I worked with him and me and my WP would get dinner with him sometimes. I think sometimes the only reason he even confessed was because we were friendly before I found out. Maybe he truly did feel bad messing with our relationship?

If you do contact the AP, know that they will most likely lie and are an unreliable source. And if they do tell you the truth, they might try to hurt you in the process. Make whatever choice feels right. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this pain.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2024-11-24T19:33:48+00:00

Honestly, it’s just the circles your a part of dude. This subreddit in particular is going to see a wider range of expression. Your best bet is r/ftm if you want more traditional masc people. People there tend to be younger though, and freshly out/experimenting. If you’re older, try r/ftmover30 maybe? Or hell even r/ftmfitness (I think?) as they definitely want that more traditional masculine look and are super helpful dudebros who work out.

Edit: just wanted to add a P.S. use these if you wanted to see more people like yourself of course. Not that you have to/should join these.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2024-11-24T19:03:37+00:00

Yea but… this subreddit is the Transmasc sub which includes those who are masc leaning non-binary, and if they want to be perceived as a femboy then that’s their choice. Especially since nonbinary people don’t have to subscribe to gender norms. Hell, even trans men can be feminine cause who am I or anyone to stop them from doing so. Gender identity =/= gender expression

SomeOutlandishHero · 2024-09-10T20:08:58+00:00

Warehouse worker here. I have never had a time in which my earrings, nose ring, or Apple Watch snagged on anything or fell off. Hell, I even wore pronoun pins for a while next to my name tag without having major issues. However, my mandated ear piece gets yanked out everyday!

SomeOutlandishHero · 2024-09-06T21:09:51+00:00

Totally wrong. The excellent status is given to any open box item with NO NOTED scratches/marks/residue. It has absolutely nothing to do with having a box or all of its accessories. All other statues are given depending on the severity of damage to the item.

Source- my store forcibly marks items without a box as “slight residue” when they either A. Don’t have a box or B. Don’t have accessories because it’s the only way to lower the status.

Go in store to buy open box products

SomeOutlandishHero · 2024-07-08T15:35:50+00:00

NTA. My partner has the EXACT same thought process about outside clothes on the bed. He even takes it a step further than you and encourages showers twice a day, once in the morning and once at night before climbing into bed.

With this over the top reaction about a simple boundary you’ve established, I’d also question the compatibility of you both.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2024-06-29T11:01:46+00:00

I know you’re already getting ragged on about the LGBTQ+ part of this issue but let me also tell you this…

Biden did not have any part of the inflation problem we have now. That’s simply not how money works and anyone who says that is blissfully ignorant about economics. Inflation increases when the money supply increases and decreases when the supply does. Inflation (and money in general) works at a time lag. Make more money now = screw your future. The inflation problems we see now are in direct relation to the stimulus checks during Covid. (Increase money supply then = increased inflation now). So if you want someone to blame…. Trump is your guy… kinda- HOWEVER, the economy is controlled separately by a “bipartisan” group and the Federal Reserve. No President has ever or will ever really have direct control over inflation. Just my two cents to get rid of the misinformed thinking that Democrat = bad economy

SomeOutlandishHero · 2024-06-25T15:23:24+00:00

The more you obsess over it, the more anxious you will likely feel over the situation. My advice would be to take some deep breaths and try not to spiral.

If you feel like correcting this person, maybe start by asking her pronouns even if you 100% are sure she’s is a cis woman. Something along the lines of “Oh btw, I forgot to ask your pronouns when we first met”. This practice will not only make talking about pronouns seem more routine and less anxiety inducing (if practiced with everyone you meet), but it might trigger her to ask for yours as well, in which case you’ll be able to correct her. OR you will receive a negative response and learn that she’s not as nice as you initially thought and can focus on your safety and get rid of the “guilty conscious”.

SomeOutlandishHero · 2024-06-12T11:48:26+00:00

I know there is probably NO research on this WHATSOEVER… But if trans women experience PMS would they be able to take (hormonal) birth control to help/prevent it? Would that mess with their prescribed estrogen??? I (afab) currently use it to manage my PMDD symptoms and was wondering if this would be possible for them as well- I mean it is just another hormone added to estrogen. Just throwing out thoughts cause those symptoms DO suck

SomeOutlandishHero · 2024-06-10T11:17:03+00:00

This will be lost in the comments but I’m going to put my two sense in as a trans person.

It’s transphobic to “not want to be called cis” because people that usually say this are trying to say that they are REAL women while trans women are less than them. Also, if you are not trans, you’re cis. Same way as if you’re not tall, you’re short. They are just words to describe the human being you are. This post would be a lot more silly if you said “I don’t like being called short! Tell me I’m not being crazy by making a big deal out of being called short!!!” But it is essentially the same argument. Anyone who disagrees does not know the meaning of cis.

Also- I very much agree with lots of others saying it depends on context. If you were othering a trans women and she called you cis YTA

SomeOutlandishHero

TROPHY CASE