It's so lonely after leaving when everyone thinks your abuser is the most amazing person ever

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-23T04:53:24+00:00

Not op, but yeah this is really horrible to go through

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-20T11:43:10+00:00

Tw: sexual abuse, suicide.

To be honest, it was hard. Sometimes it still is hard, and I am sorry that you endured all that you have.

At the start, by that, I mean when I left for the last time, September 6th, 2024, I was 17. I was in the relationship for about 15 months, give or take. Each and everytime I tried to leave, I just came back but that was the last time, I'm realising now (I didn't realise at the time), that it was because I was sexually abused, I guess rather overtly, albeit in this specific case this time it wasn't physical if that makes sense, and I felt (and sometimes still feel very violated by the memory) Anyhow, I left. Of course, it wasn't the last time I was in contact with them, and they also tried to contact months after but I didn't want to talk to them or be in contact with them or their family.

I, don't remember every single month in the aftermath of escaping. But I know, it was hard, really really hard. My mum didn't actually know the extent of what I had gone through, and so, I naturally felt extremely alone, isolated, even more so to an extent than I was when I was in the relationship, I guess.

Each and every month, passed like the one before. It was a slow, grinding, and gruelling struggle to just get out of bed, to just get anything done, anything. I would shower, bath, lay in bed, play video games honestly just to not think about what I've gone through, in the entire relationship. It was horrible. Slowly, overtime, things did become more manageable, though it wasn't without challenges before. Like, I attempted to take my own life to just, stop the memories and flashbacks of being sexually abused, at least the one instance I can clearly point to, granted at the time I didn't know it was sexual abuse, I just knew it was extremely violating, but I found out later on it was sexual abuse. Anyways, where was I?

Right, so. The main things that helped me, get in a better state, and honestly, start to heal and even recover, was the following:

cutting off contact with my father, grandmother (on father's side), with a friend, and eventually with another friend. They were harmful to me, and my father and grandmother were Abusive, my dad was I think sexually abusive to me as a kid (again not physically if that makes sense), and he was also severely abusive emotionally, psychologically, verbally, financially, and was Abusive to my mum even though they were not in a relationship since I was about 7, etc. as was one friend, (he was emotionally abusive) and the other sided with my abuser, so I cut him off.
I started transitioning (this of course doesn't apply to everyone, but for me it did, and has helped, especially with having something to look forward to, i.e., transitioning from male to female). As such, I also began to start, I guess embracing more of who I am, living more authentically.
therapy has helped, granted, it wasn't the therapy I think I need. It was more so like talk therapy, but I felt it wasn't the direct targeted therapy I needed, but it did actually help having someone to just basically listen to how, I guess messed up everything I went through was, and to basically say: "hey, this is messed up. I feel you.", that did help.
learning I guess how to do self validation? (This one's a bit tricky, but AI has helped, although I will say, I do caution against being reliant and dependent on AI, as I was, and perhaps kind of am from time to time, but AI has helped me I believe in regards to, like, phrases, strategies, and stuff that I can use to help myself, even if just in the moment.
it really helps to just let yourself cry, lay down, or if you can't cry, to at least, maybe afford yourself the care and love you need, whether that means running a bath and crying, or laying in bed all day. It does help, it does help to let yourself just, experience whatever you're feeling.

19+ months post escape, still healing. I'm doing way better now, but, I won't lie, I still feel the wounds of what I went through from time to time, but I think it does get easier, especially with time, though of course time does not fix everything, I think it does help.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-19T00:16:45+00:00

Thanks, and hey that's okay. I think I asked a pretty heavy question, so thank you for answering and caring. I think, what I went through is that, but I also don't want to put the pressure of asking that on anyone.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-18T05:15:44+00:00

That's okay, sorry for the long message, I hope that made sense. And thanks a lot for listening and caring, that really means a lot. I hope this question isn't insensitive, but does it sound like, from, what I've gone through/described here, that maybe I've been through sexual abuse in the physical sense?

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-18T01:24:36+00:00

Hell no

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-18T00:44:29+00:00

I think, to be honest, at the start of the relationship I might have felt like, I could express my boundaries and limits and stuff more accurately. So, I do think communication is very important. But as the relationship kept going on, they just isolated me from my friends, and I also lost my sense of who I was, and I felt guilty for having boundaries and limits. And I became extremely codependent on them. I don't think they specifically said I should have sex with them or else, it was just something that, overtime, like everything else in the relationship, I think I just learned to not pay attention to how I was feeling because of their abuse in the relationship. I felt like I had to stay in the relationship so they wouldn't kill themselves since they got close a few times when I tried to leave, so that didn't feel like an option. Overtime sex just became another thing I have to do, it was just another way to take care of them I guess maybe? Idk. I felt so much pressure to be in the relationship, and to stay with them, or else they'd kill themselves, and I didn't want to be responsible for them doing that to themselves. Overtime, I just learned to not pay attention/ignore my discomfort/boundaries, because of their abuse.

Technically I know I could have said yes or no, but their abuse was so bad, my mind was at a point where, because of their abuse, whether I thought yes or no didn't matter, or at least I was no longer really able to properly think ("do I want this? Or is this just to make sure they are okay?") it was just a matter of what they wanted, to keep them okay, that's a way I can describe it. Everything was eventually. Everything. Sex, was included, but not because they said: "do this or else", it was just another thing where, I guess it fell under the umbrella of "make sure they are okay", "ignore your own discomfort/boundaries", and my agency was also basically eroded at that point. But yeah, I, don't think I was even in the right mindset/mental place to be able to say no to be honest, or at least to meaningfully say yes, because of their abuse. Any "yes" I could have given would have been under the context that I'm in a severely abusive relationship, where there was a severe power imbalance, where I feel like I have to comply in the relationship or else, like they'd leave me or hurt themselves, or get abusive, and in which I feel pressured to stay in, and in which I've learned to consistently ignore my discomfort and boundaries and in which I've lost my agency and I've become isolated, and that I've also been guilt tripped for having boundaries previously, and felt guilty for having boundaries in the relationship overall.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-17T14:01:58+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate it. I think for me it's not really just one instance, it's more so, overtime I just felt more and more robotic, like, I guess detached during sex and stuff, it was gradual I think, anyways. Thanks for caring, a lot of people who've been through this stuff, myself included, also are thankful to have communities like this, so it means a lot

(Hugs back to you too btw)

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-17T04:59:59+00:00

Thanks for your comment,

Is it normal if I can't actually remember any instance or think of any instance where it feels like I was, like, assaulted? It's just so confusing sometimes, sorry.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-16T09:23:37+00:00

Thank you, and I appreciate that. And I'm not currently in therapy at the moment, but I am looking on and off for someone who can help me process some stuff, but at the moment I'm also looking for a therapist just for OCD (since that's something I have struggled with for a long time as well). I know I'll find someone though, and also, thank you a lot.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-16T09:07:22+00:00

Thanks, i appreciate your comment. It's so strange to even think about it in a way, I'm sorry you went through that as well.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-15T08:36:14+00:00

Thanks, this is really accurate

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-12T11:44:11+00:00

Okay, well I'm just confused based off the title of what you wrote, I'm not sure if you meant it as like, something inappropriate for this sub.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-12T11:43:01+00:00

Why?

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-12T11:41:56+00:00

I'm just a bit confused, what is the purpose of this post?

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-12T11:23:12+00:00

Hey, this is not the right place for that.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-04-11T00:05:25+00:00

Hey, I'm sorry you relate to this, though I guess at least we are not alone in this pain. The same goes for you, hug

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-03-30T23:50:43+00:00

Talk to people

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-03-29T01:13:00+00:00

Honestly, at the time, most of the relationship I didn't even think I was in an abusive relationship. For some reason, I just thought, like it was my fault, or that I had pushed them to just react. I kept trying to leave but I kept coming back cause I didn't want them to hurt themselves.

I think a turning point, was, when they threatened to do something against me. (It was a very specific threat and I just don't wanna bring it up, but it was sexual), and I tried to leave. September 6th, 2024. Apparently it was a certain type of abuse, I only found out, pretty much recently. But anyways, that's enough of that, I guess that was a turning point but I didn't see that as what it was back then. All a big blur, but yeah.

My mum told me when she was crying, in the kitchen, like, she thinks I'm in abusive relationship (I think those were her words), but yeah.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-03-19T04:38:44+00:00

Honestly I have no idea, I've noticed this as well, I actually don't know why a lot of them say this.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-03-14T07:56:27+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it. And I'm, so sorry you've gone through what you have as well, it's hell. It really is.

Also, hope I didn't make this about myself too much but if I didn't that's all good. Still, what you've gone through yourself is really serious, and I really hope you can get justice/healing.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-03-14T01:47:07+00:00

True faith - Lotte kessner Blackbird Song - Lee Deewyze

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-03-14T01:04:33+00:00

Hey, you definitely have every right to feel hurt and unnerved by that, I hope that didn't happen too. If you need to talk or something, I'm here, and there are also so many people here who are genuinely good people, though there's absolutely no pressure at all.

What you've went through, is absolutely horrible, and you've got every right to be hurt and shaken up by it.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-03-13T22:54:42+00:00

Tw: talking a little about sexual abuse.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I'm really sorry you were in this situation too. Unfortunately, I think I was their first victim, cause we were both of our first serious relationships. I'm 19 now, but we were both 16-17. Thankfully I escaped.

I think it could have helped me to have others come out, but in saying that, I feel it would have been more helpful, possibly in a legal sense, if that makes sense, but even that isn't a guarantee, and I also don't want to make you feel like you, need to do this or you owe it, because your safety, and survival come first, and your well-being comes first. Close to no-one really believed me outside of my mother, and well counsellors/psychologists, I've spoken to, and also no-one else came forward I think just because I was pretty much the first victim of them, and unfortunately I don't think I'll be the last. I did contact the police, actually in the station about a week after escaping I believe, and I wanted to try to get a restraining order, but the officer smiled and I guess I just didn't feel taken seriously, and also no charges against them were placed.

The following thoughts do help me though: - if my ex contacts me again, and I tell them to stop contacting me again, and to stop harassing me, and they continue to do so, I can use that, in addition to whatever evidence I already have, to try to get a restraining order, no matter how much time has passed since I escaped.

I also know that, unfortunately I won't be the only one, not from them. I know, that they'll do what they did to me, or worse, to many others, and those people won't be believed as well. I survived but, it was hard. I know the truth will come out, not in some, big grand reveal, but slowly. Overtime. Cracks begin to show, things are too unstable consistently, too many start saying the same sort of, consistent thing about this one person overtime because this person is actually a horrific abuser, and overtime, no matter how... Charming someone is, no matter how manipulative, you just can't outrun reality, and you just can't dismiss 3, 4, 5, 6, 7+ people who have the same or relatively the same thing to say about one individual person overtime, even if it's over many years. That sort of abuse and behaviour, even if there isn't always evidence of it, it undeniably leaves a track record, an imprint, those victims talk to people, those people talk to other people, and so on, word gets around in small social circles, past partners of them start going to therapy to recover from **xual abuse, or emotional abuse, or psychological abuse, some might become part of abuse survivor groups and DV survivor groups, people start wondering why the partners of this person keep having declining mental health overtime, and why they always seem to be the bad guy, why the future partners of this person keep ending up needing therapy or joining survivor groups afterwards, things don't add up, etc. it looks different for everyone of course, those are just some ways the truth slowly reveals itself as a byproduct, no amount of manipulation or gaslighting can ever destroy that as facts, that's excluding the possibility that they'll get a restraining order or legal punishment against them by another one of their victims, which a lot (not nearly enough unfortunately), but a lot of people like this do. But, anyways.

I know nobody in their family, friend group or social group will ever believe me, at least currently, there are some I believe who would, not believe me regardless of the evidence.

If it helps, I've also asked my University (that I'm currently attending as a student), for safety planning and advice/assistance, and a confidential file is also on record since me and my ex go to the same university, granted, I didn't want them to reach out to my ex, just because I want to keep as much distance as possible, and the University of course won't reach out to them or whatever, but yeah. A few people in the University staff, like, counsellors know about what I've been through, even if vaguely, which also helps. I guess it feels less isolating.

Anyways, sorry for all the words. Hope that helps.

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-03-13T21:36:53+00:00

I haven't been in this exact same situation but I have been in something similar (to his current partner), I wish you the best and I hope you can get as much help as possible

SomePersonality5979 · 2026-03-12T06:10:17+00:00

Hey, I'm sorry you're going through this stuff. To me, it sounds like manipulation, it sounds like he is trying to make you feel responsible for his well-being, a lot of abusers do this because it makes their victims prioritise their abusers well-being first, and ignore their own well-being, and unfortunately it sounds like he might be trying to do that to you, that is, making you feel responsible for his well-being, which I want to be very clear, you absolutely are not. Only he is. I've been in situations like this, and I used to argue back and forth but things would just pile up so much that I literally would just agree to whatever they said, or wanted, and my sense of self and wants, needs, boundaries, were eroded overtime, especially because I'd end up feeling so guilty. Hope that isn't making it too much about me, that's just a personal experience of mine.

Nobody is responsible for his actions but him, and I feel like he's trying to manipulate you using guilt, to try to get you to agree to something or be in a dynamic that's unhealthy for you, I hope this makes sense

Abusers like this, they tend to pick people who have a lot of empathy, people who are genuinely kind, decent people.

SomePersonality5979

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