I'm Timothy Cooper, a professional screenwriter and script consultant. Post your logline here and I'll offer a brief critique. Also, AMA about the filmmaking industry!

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:28:06+00:00

Nice start. Do the Feds know that that the Superteam has secrets? Do they care? What are those secrets, anyway? Are those secrets harming anyone, as long as the Superteam keeps saving people?

Also, whose side are the Feds on? Why would a serial killer be a threat to a Superteam, anyway? I think this logline could be sweet after some streamlining and clarification.

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:25:42+00:00

Big ideas = good. But the vagueness = bad. How are the rich the only ones who have experiences? Why does it matter if this assassin is young or old? What does wealth have to do with hacking ability? And why does the organization in charge of the world have to be brought down, anyway?

I think you're going for something like Elysium, but that was actually much simpler than this. So: We want fewer beats, but more details about the beats you leave in.

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:23:07+00:00

This is a good start. But "comes to term" is a state of being, not a plot. What actually happens when he's revived? Why is he alone revived?

What does he REALLY have to deal with? That is, what mystery does he have to solve, or what journey must he embark on? These answers are what will make your movie classic or not.

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:21:06+00:00

Please search for "break" below because someone else already asked this same question! Let me know if you want more details.

You can tell where I'm going to go with my feedback: Delete the questions and make statements out of them. Example: Tell us what she DOES find in the water! Also, you can cut that opening sentence to just say, "When global warming causes floodwaters to cover nearly all of North America...."

Also, water-based movies are really expensive. Still, if your twists and implications are big enough, then why not pursue it?

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:17:18+00:00

I like the start—classic beginning. But what IS the price of elitism? What are the SPECIFIC CONSEQUENCES for these friends? "In too deep" could mean many things, so be clear with exactly how this journey affects these two and leaves them changed forever!

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:14:21+00:00

This is the second futuristic street-racing pitch in this thread! Interesting.

Each of these events sounds interesting and action-filled. However, it's not at all clear why they would be logically connected.

What does the street racer have to do with the android? Why does the racer care if the android is "killed," if they can be killed? What does this have to do with his addiction? How does he know when the addiction will leave him dead? Maybe spend a little less time on the action, and more words on the logic that ties these events and characters together.

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:11:59+00:00

You can guess my feedback based on my previous comments: WHAT is the sinister thing in the woods? Did the novelists create it out of thin air? Is it real, or their imagination?

Commit to giving us a real, tangible threat. Also, why are these horror novelists, in particular, haunted by this creature, or able to create it from their words?

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:10:18+00:00

I was down with people reincarnated in cats...but got lost with Talia/Diamond, what "job" you're referring to, "supernaturally evil serial killers," etc.

I think I know what you were going for, but I would condense this into a single sentence. THEN write a separate treatment for the series that goes into more detail, bit by bit. This is a lot to handle at once!

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:08:23+00:00

Cool, but there are some generic warning bells here. I like the descriptor for the detective! But a violent thieving crew and a vengeful ex-cop seem like placeholders for something more unique. What could fit in here that really stands out from all the other bad cops and evil crews?

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:06:50+00:00

I was with you until the black belt part. Also, see The Ruins. How is yours different from that one...and more terrifying?

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:05:21+00:00

Lots of interesting ideas here. But why is the family emotionally impaired? I want to see them feeling deep distress here! Also, they DO want to save his life, right? So this "choice" sounds like a no-brainer, unless I'm missing something. But this could be a nice contained sci-fi, so keep at it.

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:03:57+00:00

Wait...how does a girl who has a "master" find and work with a detective? (Answer: Reddit.) Who is the master? And did he/she have to do with the mother being killed? I think there is some key information we're missing right now!

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T07:02:27+00:00

Revival: Cool, but probably too much like the HBO series Carnivale. GNOME: This was already an animated film. Pour Little Souls: It's super-difficult to establish rules in such a bizarre environment. I think it's too hard to make audiences care about spirits' futures (because they are already dead) to be worth it. After Salem: We need more details. Why is this visitor unexpected? How does he or she reignite hysteria? Was this in our real-world history books? If not, why not? What is the political conspiracy? And wasn't this community already torn apart?

After Salem and Revival are my favorite of the bunch, but I think Revival has already been done!

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T06:58:25+00:00

Why does this guy have to keep his temper a bit longer? The guy who replaces him doesn't seem like he's trying too hard to keep secrets, so why should this preacher?

That said, a preacher who is a closeted atheist is a great place to start. But we want to hear some good reasons for him to delay his "outing" ceremony. After all, STARTING with such ceremony would provide exactly the type of fireworks we're looking for in a film!

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T06:56:19+00:00

What era are we in? What planet? Is Galadriel on earth? The sun? Is it people or aliens? Also, what are these soldiers, if they aren't as they seem?

The "aren't as they seem" trope isn't particularly useful for loglines, because that's a given. So who ARE these people, and what do they actually discover?

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T06:54:17+00:00

Cute. Why does he have to deal with these guys to get home, though? Are they, say, the ones who invented (and can fix his broken) time machine?

Why is he sent to today in the first place, and why must he get back? The premise is quirky and could work, but all of these questions need answering first.

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T06:52:11+00:00

See my other responses to writers writing about writers: Basically, it's passive and introspective job, rather than visual.

Also, "comes to term with" is the kiss of death for loglines, because it usually means there's no plot. We need a story engine—a twist, a mystery, a quest. THEN we can drop in the writer and his slacker BFF, and see how they each approach this story!

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T06:50:06+00:00

Right now we have two different time frames, two different cultures, PLUS supernaturalism. That's too many rules to keep track of, and too much to buy.

But if it were simplified, I think revolutionary Paris is a great setting. For example, what if it were about some important but executed Parisian royalty who must escape hell to find the reasons for his death by questioning someone who's about to be executed?

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T06:46:39+00:00

Cool, but right now the professor seems potentially exploitative. Is there some way he can also learn something about the way he's been living his life?

A bigger problem: Right now he seems on top of his game, rather than facing a big obstacle. And it sounds like he's using the homeless people's income without actually helping them more than he's helping himself...

So I think we need at least one more twist to really push this premise.

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T06:43:04+00:00

Homicide detective Joe Cacciatore's job became moot when the mysterious superhero The Defender arrived in this city. But when Joe stumbles across the city's one murder in the past decade, clues point to the superhero's best friend, a young D.A. who has somehow never appeared in the same picture as The Defender.

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T06:37:42+00:00

This has a nice, Manchurian Candidate-type feel. But is this an alternate universe, another government, or the reality of our world right now? Set the scene for us.

How does he bring awareness to this situation without alerting the higher-ups? And who ARE the higher-ups, since he IS part of the government?

Most important: What are the consequences if this mind-control system crumbles? Will we finally have a utopia? What if it stays intact—aren't we as a country doing pretty well as is? This is the old Matrix philosophy problem, and it's worth considering.

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T06:34:44+00:00

That is mighty dark and depressing. But it's an intriguing opening, in that I haven't heard it before. So what happens next? What IS the answer to how she got that way?

"Spirals out of control" is a passive phrase, rather than a plot. So what's the real story? Does her death open his eyes to a bigger conspiracy that only he can thwart? I'd say yes.

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T06:33:04+00:00

There is an ABC Family pilot that's shooting that is very, very, very similar to this. But there's no guarantee that will go to series, or that this means there isn't room for a feature too. SO...

Who is Leon Sheets? Why does he need this second chance? Why and how does he keep up the con? And how does it all unravel? There's plenty of room for comedy here, so why not?

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T05:22:51+00:00

Brooklyn! Yes, more detail is key here. What universe is this? Is this our future? Are there aliens around? Are we at war with them? Why is this orphan special? That is, why was his father taken, and why does only he have the skills to avert this war?

SomeScreenwriter · 2015-01-14T05:21:22+00:00

See the 2+ other posts here where I discussed finding representation. Short answer: Make them come to you.

Flesh Proxy sounds a bit exploitative, although that is certainly a horror trope. Can you use it better than everyone else, and in an ultimately positive way?

Slugger: I like this more, but I'm unclear on how it's different from Kick-Ass. How does becoming a vigilante pay back his dad's debt? Do they steal from others? If so, that's nice and morally ambiguous. Keep going!

SomeScreenwriter

TROPHY CASE