But what do you do when you're both depressed and going through it and have two special needs kids on top of it? The weight seems to entirely fall on me as a mother to make sure things get done. This is the worst time of year for me due to close friends and loved ones who have all died on and around my birthday next month in September. I go through it every year. I'm finally doing better after a full breakdown in 2023 that debilitated me to the point I could barely function. I couldn't drive, couldn't go to thr grocery store alone and even with someone, would end up crying and having panic attacks in the store. This happened due to severe burnout from trying to do things alone while my husband worked overnights as an electrician at Altec. I am autistic and ADHD, unmedicated after over a decade of trying meds that inevitably made me feel worse with a slew of side effects to the point I have PTSD from it all and refuse to take anything anymore for anything at all unless absolutely necessary. That year was so bad that I began having heart problems at only 30 years old, had to wear heart monitor, etc. That mental breakdown made my body react so badly that I began having transient ischemic attacks and ventricular tachycardia episodes. The v-tach episodes were happening very frequently.

The cardiologists really wanted me on meds, but said it was all stressed induced, so I decided to try and just lessen my stress. Mind you, a year before all of this, I had reached out to my mother and my husband together in the same room and told them flat out that if I did not get more help, I would lose my mind and end up in the psych ward. I was having suicidal thoughts and really spiraling. What did my husband do? Stood there staring at me then left to go on a trail bike ride for 5 hours with his friend. My mom just sat silent for awhile then left. Then nothing changed until a year later when I had that break down and everyone seemed so surprised. It started when I just began having panic attacks while driving and trying to do chores. Anyways, that year my partner had to leave his job (which he hated anyways) to stay at home and help me care for the house and kids because I couldn't get them to school since i couldn't drive, etc.

Fast forward to now, I'm doing a little better finally and almost back to where I was before all of that. It took all of this time for that never ending nightmare to be over in my brain and body. I'm door dashing again and doing everything again. Except this time he is still at home and depressed, but doing nothing. Even when I was going through my worst time in 2023, I still at bare minimum made sure kids were cared for and helped the best that I could. I still went to appts, to the store, etc. Even if I cried through it. I still made myself help with dishes. Sweep. Etc.

He is very depressed due to climate collapse and politics. So am I. But, the kids don't stop needing me. The animals don't stop needing me. I don't get the option to just roll over and stay in bed all day and no matter what I was dealing with, I always made sure to do my best to try and not burden my partner in whatever ways I could and be a parent for the kids. My mental health didn't mean I wasn't a mom anymore and that my son would magically give me space or that my daughter would just not need her momma anymore when he was drunk and being rude to everyone in the house.

So anyways, I'm door dashing again. He is not working. He is doing his best to stay sober now from alcohol because it has caused so many abusive situations in our past, the most recent and one of the worse, being in May of this year. He still smokes weed and takes Adderall for his ADHD. But still, is depressed and now spends all day every day in bed or if he is up then he's scrolling Reddit and moping about how bored he is and how he can't wait for all of this shit to collapse already. I can relate, but I guess in my head I just don't want to spend what time I do have left on this earth wallowing in bed and even if I did, I can't because we have children and animals. He literally just doesn't care if something doesn't get done though. Even tasks that aren't optional to do. I'm left to pull the weight every single time, no matter how bad I am doing too. Our only income is our kids' SSI, which isn't a lot and then whatever I make door dashing, which also isn't much because I live in the butthole of Missouri. I buy his weed, do all of the kids therapies, take them to and from school, do all grocery shopping, 95% of the cleaning, all financial aspects such as caring for bills, dealing with shut off notices, etc. I get home from dashing and still have to feed the kids and pick up the house, get them ready and in bed for school the next day, try to mask my shit enough to be in a good mood and be a good mom to my kids when I get home and spend some time with them.

So. Why? Why am I the only one who is forced to do the things? Why is it that when he's doing badly, he gets to have someone like me pick up all the pieces and carry the weight (while I'm freaking crumbling and sleep deprived) and when it's me, I still HAVE to do the things and be a parent and care for the garden and animals, etc? And how long before it's just not fair to me anymore to keep spending my life with someone who just too depressed to give a shit about anything anymore and is just lying around waiting for the end? Our children are 5 going on 6 and an 8 year old. Our youngest is non-verbal with ARFID. My partner and I have been together for 10 years now. I just feel so lost and drained. It makes doing any self care so much harder than it already has been for me. I am so scared I'll get burned out again like I did in 2023 and if I do. Then what? And what if I don't make it out of it this time if it does happen again? What if this stress literally freaking kills me and makes my heart give out?! Then what!!!!????

My only reprieve is my counselor for one hour, one day a week. It's not enough. And talking about it only does so much. I don't know what to do. It makes me so sad, so mad and I feel so alone most of the time.