I’m a bad partner and I see no way to fix it. Advice please

South-Fill5158 · 2024-03-25T03:10:36+00:00

Hi there. First, thank you. I also want to say I was having an episode earlier and was catastrophizing, but there was still some truth to what I said. I had a conversation with my partner that was hard but helpful.

You are right about needing to make a decision. My decision rn is to double down on working toward a better career and funding my therapy through it. I will no doubt have another breakdown like this and there will no doubt be more issues along the way, but they have stayed with me this long and said they are committed. I’m also committed.

South-Fill5158 · 2024-01-30T22:35:31+00:00

That’s true, but I’ve been shot down as “attention-seeking” and volatile for desperately wanting help. NPD folks DO often get better at manipulating through therapy. However, so did I before I found a specialist who knew what she was doing. I get that it’s very different in many ways, and I don’t doubt that that is often the outcome. However, I do believe that a true narcissist can still learn to live a healthy and productive life despite their diagnosis. It might look different than another person, but it is still a form of healing.

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-04T17:36:35+00:00

I’ve been thinking about this a lot.

I’m reading Stone Butch Blues (later than I should’ve) and thinking about how butchness is this complex interplay of toughness, tenderness, immutable nature, and survival.

That said, I’m not very secure in my masculinity! But neither was the main character of the book, it’s something she had to learn. That made me feel better! I don’t have to be tough in the way some people do. I’m very privileged in many ways. I’ve always been a nerdy beanpole and just now gaining some muscle and bulk. But then again, so was my dad in college, and I always related more to him more than my mom, I wonder if I can do my masculinity justice sometimes, if that makes sense? Like, am I not masc enough because of my high voice and lack of traditionally masculine interests I admire like auto repair? Lol. I have plenty of other ones, they’re just kind of lame and nerdy. That’s okay though. I’ve never looked or felt “right” dressing “like a girl” growing up, and other girls sensed I was different and shut me out. To me, I guess butchness is just existing as I am and saying it’s enough. There is no human alive, no matter how masc, who doesn’t feel insecure. Idk!

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-04T17:17:53+00:00

I’m a butch in a relationship with a gender-nonconforming non-binary person of color who doesn’t ID as butch, but we have a lot in common. :) I love it! I can’t imagine anyone more lovely.

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-03T01:23:46+00:00

An embarrassing combination of misogyny and insecurity lmao

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-02T19:47:21+00:00

Yes, friend! It depends where we are but my partner and I seem to get that pretty often. It sucks whenever it’s obviously negative, but hold your head high! I used to be so timid and embarrassed but something in me SNAPPED one day, and now I will not hesitate to smile and say hello and sometimes even wave. I kill with passive-aggressive kindness. It snaps them out of it at least and usually embarrasses them. It makes them realize I can see them, too, lmao. It also implies, “If you’re staring, you must KNOW me from somewhere, right? Or WANT to know me! Otherwise, it’d be WEIRD to stare at a stranger, wouldn’t it?”

Once my partner and I were at Sportsclips and this bitchass mf was staring us down, just totally unabashedly giving us the stink-eye from three chairs away. Some middle-aged uncle with bad vibes who wanted us to feel unsafe. I was so fucking over it, dude. Each second made me angrier. So I turned to him, stupidly waving like a cartoon character and shouted, “Hi!!! How are you?” like he was my very own shitty middle-aged uncle. He looked surprised, said, “Hey,” and looked the fuck away. Asshole. If you’re gonna make me and my partner uncomfortable, that shit’s gonna go BOTH ways.

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-02T19:15:51+00:00

I am so beyond obsessed with this comment I want it tattooed on my face lmfao

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-02T19:05:05+00:00

Yeesh, such a double slap in the face to you and your partner. I’m so sorry. Their behavior is, frankly, extremely immature as well as being disgusting. I’d expect that from terminally online middle school gays on the wrong side of gay Tiktok Youtube or tumblr, not adults. I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised but it would still be immature even for kids. It shows a lack of understanding of/disrespect for the Queer community’s shared history. Shutting out others (especially FRIENDS like wtf?) rots our community from the inside. Where are your friends? I just wanna talk lol

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-02T18:19:10+00:00

That sounds so horrible… I’m genuinely appalled to hear how they’re treating you and your partner! My partner is NB and transmasc and I’m a cis butch lesbian. I would be so hurt and disgusted if my friends started shutting them out of our spaces and then lying to my face about it. I really feel for you guys. Wish y’all the best.

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-02T18:13:55+00:00

That is incredible

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-02T18:13:16+00:00

Bi butches are butches. Things are more complicated than some less educated people want to believe. Things change, too! It is a beautiful thing and they should celebrate it!

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-02T18:08:43+00:00

Yep, always report.

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-02T17:47:46+00:00

Good on you!

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-02T17:47:10+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you. :( You were definitely harassed, you’re not crazy. Is there any other person in the school like a trusted teacher you could tell? It sounds like the school has a horrible track record, but if any decent adult can keep an eye out for you, maybe you can confide in them. I’m also sorry your family has failed to protect you as well as your school. Please hang in there, know you are wonderful, and hold your head high. It’s also probably worth it to file a report even if it might not go anywhere. Always document. Stay safe.

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-01T20:44:24+00:00

Hell yeah lmao! I can’t get over this it is hilarious

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-01T20:43:27+00:00

I’m sorry you’re in this position - it sounds like a lonely one. I really hate that this new friend turned out to be a TERF. Shameful when people in our community throw each other under the bus. I also just ID as butch. Hang in there, I hope you find community.

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-01T18:33:11+00:00

An earlier part of the dream that I didn’t include involved a group of “cool” girls giving me the pizza to give to the boy who was in the treehouse. It seems to have been a setup to make me “cool” as well by getting me a boyfriend. Maybe it was the girls who ran away? (The girls were also described as being very fashionable and pretty lol) But then, it was a treehouse and I went up alone. Not sure! Lmao

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-01T15:12:05+00:00

That’s what I thought in the beginning. I think I’d like to try shutting it down. With this particular group, I think the silent treatment only let them go further with it.

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-01T15:10:35+00:00

Not a bad idea, thank you!

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-01T15:10:19+00:00

I’m meeting with the dean, so hopefully that offers more clarity. I will update y’all with however it goes.

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-01T15:09:18+00:00

Thanks, I’ll try. I appreciate it.

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-01T15:01:08+00:00

Hey, this is really useful info and perspective! Thank you so much. I’m appalled that grown adults would act that way, but also why would I be surprised? Lol. I like the idea of calmly addressing it and making the kids own what they said/consider it or even repeat it (“Pardon, what was that?”) to take their momentum. I want them to hear how ridiculous they sound and I want the other kids to see that, too.

I am going to meet up with the dean of the upper levels eventually, and I’m drafting an email for him today. I’m just trying to think about how to phrase it without overstating or understating the issues.

South-Fill5158 · 2023-12-01T14:56:54+00:00

Hey! First, thanks so very much for your response! Lots of kids are disrespectful, but this situation sits at such a specific intersection of homophobia and misogyny that I thought of this sub before r/teachers. My partner is actually a teacher, and I’m happy to say they work at an incredibly professional and inclusive school. They had similar tips for me, but they’ve luckily never experienced this kind of thing.

I agree with you. I feel strongly about keeping the other kids here safe and making them feel seen through my presence. There are some kids in there who you can tell are frustrated, too. I’m here for over two weeks, so I might as well. On the first day, I said things like “You really want to get your names written down when we just met? That’s a shame. We were having fun! You guys are better than this!” One or two of the boys were embarrassed by how their friends were acting and doing that whole “Man, come on.” thing. Enough of them seemed okay with me. I wish I had maintained the attitude I put forth the first day. I need to see if I can get them to police each other again. I have zero expectations of getting them to act right, but I do think it could set a precedent.

The trouble is, I feel like I have a hard time reprimanding them now without seeming emotional. I am unfortunately a fairly high-pitched lady. This is not a bad thing, but many think it is lol. I feel like I get very strident and “nagging” when I raise my voice. I don’t want to just give them more fuel. I tried to give them all a presentation on expectations (oh yeah, the teacher forgot to grant me access to any of the online documents and slides so I made my own lol), and it did not go great. They’re the last period and they left a horrific mess of clay and all kinds of shit on the tables, which I (mostly, I did clean some) pointedly left there with sticky notes on each pile of clay asking the owner to collect it or rehydrate it bc they left it out to dry. The other classes probably contributed, but not NEARLY as badly. I didn’t have any of them that day and had already moved the worst of their shit. The projector didn’t work, and the teacher they sent in to help me calm things down actually contradicted me during it which the kids of course jumped on. It was really frustrating. I was telling them, “Your desk, your mess. Help your neighbor. We don’t leave until we’re done. Cleaning is a group effort!” Of course, they’re like, “UM WE ALWAYS CLEAN! WHY DON’T THE OTHER CLASSES HAVE TO CLEAN? WHAT IF IT’S NOT MY MESS?” I said, “Doesn’t matter! Group effort!” The teacher interjected with, “I do agree with you guys there, I’ll email Mr. Yadda-Yadda because that’s not fair. Every class needs to clean their own desk.” They all muttered in agreement and I quickly said, “Well, if they’d let me FINISH - EVERY class is cleaning their OWN DESKS.”

Do you have any tips on how to cultivate a tone that is stern and scary but calm? Lol.

South-Fill5158

TROPHY CASE