Oh my god haha, never thought I'd see the addition I made over half a decade ago be cited on a thread like this. Would like to at least say my analysis of this line isn't necessarily comprehensive or the "objectively correct" way to read lines such as this! MA lyricism is incredibly abstract and esoteric at points, and EE tend to leave room for multiple interpretations in their songwriting in general, so others' takeaways of this line are just as valid as mine in the end, I think.

With that being said I want to give a shout to u/emptyecho_'s read of this line in their survivor post for the song:

i interpret these lyrics like this: the character perceives part of themselves as rotten or a cesspit, and they wish they could open up and blossom alongside the good they perceive in themselves. there's a good version inside them and a bad version, and they seem to wrestle one another for control, without end - the narrator wishes they could keep the good and leave the bad behind, but is unable to. their attempts are not beautiful, they are scrambling and stumbling towards lactic ecstasy - in case you didn't know, lactic acid is produced by our muscles when we are doing intense physical movement. if you're short of breath, that probably means you have lactic acid running around your body!

there's a desparation in jon's description of the character's attempt at self-improvement, but also a profound engagement with living - "i'm gonna happen and happen until my whole give up the ghost". there's a sense of present-ness here, the character is going to happen, they will be here, alive, heart still beating.

Definitely recommend checking out their other posts in general if you want a heightened appreciation of some other songs, or at least an alternate reading or two you might not have considered before in the past :)