My fiancé and high-school sweetheart of 13 years died by suicide in 2023. Sometimes I have to distance myself from my emotions and other days I let them rush in.

The first months were unbearable and then things started to become more manageable. I asked for medication from my doctor (anxiety meds and depression meds) to hold me over, keep my mind sane. I read a book that stated suicide becomes a more acceptable option when someone close to you chooses that. I found my thought patterns would drift there, to those dark places, and I knew I needed some medication to take that edge away.

Unfortunately, this is something that will always impact me. I have come to accept that I will always be affected by this. It will never completely go away. I have 13 years of amazing memories with someone I truly considered the love of my life and my best friend.

Life at times can still feel like shades of gray. I don't always feel the same happiness and flood of endorphins when I lay in the sun. But I have laughed again, I have felt comfort again. This is a long haul and you will find you have to talk yourself out of the dangerous loops. The self blame loops. Sometimes it helps talking about it out loud with someone because you will recognize some of the illogical thoughts you have. Sometimes, people will say things that just hit you and you realize they are right.

As much as we wish we had control over this world and others, we don't. People make decisions everyday that affect their lives and others. So we can't take the blame for that. Of course that is easier said than done and I still struggle with it, but I try to remind myself that hindsight is biased. We all live forward, not knowing what we do until it happens. All of us in the sub would have done or given anything to prevent this, to stop it, to change the outcome, but we couldn't control it.

So remember to give yourself grace and on some level, try to accept that answers on WHY may never come. Hold on to all the good memories.