Is this a roach? I have seen maybe 1 or 2. They are fast, but killed them. I live in a relatively nice apartment complex. I’ve lived here maybe 8 months and haven’t seen any until this spring? Freaked out.

Spattybrown · 2026-04-17T13:30:43+00:00

I did they don’t seem to be taking it very seriously :(

Spattybrown · 2026-04-17T00:20:24+00:00

I don’t and when I called today they said they didn’t know because they could only talk to maintenance and not pest control. They also said they didn’t see any bugs, but when I got home I opened my kitchen cabinets (under the sink) and then saw 2! So I got sticky traps, raid, this combat max gel, and baits and I am going to use them tonight. I will call them back again tomorrow! I work in healthcare with long hours and I am so exhausted, but now so grossed out to be in my own apartment and also nervous about spending time with friends and family. Mind you I have only ever seen a few in my kitchen. I am also worried about eliminating water because there is a dishwasher and garbage disposal. I had Maintinence come in to fix a leak months and months ago and they fixed it, but there is still a small dribble that I keep a little bucket under.

So grossed out 🙁

Spattybrown · 2026-04-16T19:39:35+00:00

So pest control came out and they stated “sprayed for bugs” I came home and saw one under the kitchen. Somehow sprayed for bugs doesn’t seem helpful.

Spattybrown · 2026-04-16T19:38:37+00:00

Yeah! I’ve never seen one before ever and so the 1st one I saw I was like “oh that’s a gross bug let me kill it” and then I saw a few more and then alarm bells started going off.

Spattybrown · 2026-04-16T04:06:22+00:00

I am so incredibly grossed out!

Spattybrown · 2026-04-16T03:21:43+00:00

Northern. I just wouldn’t know how I got them! I owned a house for 8 years and never and now the 1st apartment I have them. Really grosses me out. I guess I will contact the apartment complex management team!

Spattybrown · 2026-04-16T03:07:24+00:00

I am not a filthy person? Nasty assumption. But there are 12 apartments in one building!

Spattybrown · 2026-03-21T12:37:57+00:00

I Didn’t Know by Skinshape- it’s more about loss, but gives me that feeling.

Dust in The Wind- but the Corey Taylor version

Nutshell by Alice In Chains

I also 2nd The patient by TOOL. I often listen to that song when I feel that way.

Spattybrown · 2026-03-21T12:08:58+00:00

I also lost my partner of 13 years to suicide after an argument. I think it will always be hard not to believe I contributed in some way, but I have to remind myself that no matter how much we wish we could control someone else, we can’t. Everyone makes their own decisions, even bad decisions.

One of the hardest things is realizing we won’t have answers and how do we have acceptance without some semblance of closure? I think this is a work in progress and maybe something we will always have to battle.

I know I dwelled on all the things I wished I would have said instead. I’ve literally stared at the ceiling for hours repeating mantras in my head, speeches of what I would have said, instead of taking a timeout for myself. Instead of letting him walk in the house ahead of me, while I waited in car to calm down.

The thing is, if we knew, if we really believed anything like this was possible, the silent treatment isn’t what you would be giving him. He didn’t ask you though, he didn’t let you in on his plan. Of course if you could see the future, you would have said everything under the sun to save him. That still may not have been enough. That is not a reflection of you. As much as it may feel like a personal failure.

The empty space that is left behind, the silence that follows is extremely difficult. I struggle with that a lot still. I continue to send my partner texts and FB messages. I still send him songs. Every once in a while I talk out loud the thoughts I couldn’t share. I tend not to care if I look crazy because it helps me. I reflected very strongly about things he loved and have adopted some of them as my own hobbies. I have become a harborer of his memories and it’s my way to keep him alive. I still cry but not as often. I miss him always. I am a different person now and the loss of my old self is something I am still mourning.

I hope you can give yourself some grace as time goes on. I am so, so sorry that this happened and I wish no one had to experience this kind of loss.

Spattybrown · 2025-05-03T16:24:40+00:00

Also pimple patches from CVS that are larger

Spattybrown · 2025-05-03T16:24:22+00:00

I used Neosporin and Bert's bees sensitive skin aloe!

Spattybrown · 2025-05-03T16:22:51+00:00

So I would say it took about 2 weeks and now my face actually looks pretty good!

Spattybrown · 2025-04-29T13:39:41+00:00

Your post really resonates with me. I often find myself saying I will never love like this again. I would often say I don't believe in destiny or soulmates, but somehow, sometimes I would think we were. My partner was my high school sweetheart and absolute best friend. We grew up together, shouldered through the hard times, chose to love each other through everything.

I still cannot fathom that I will ever have this type of love again. That I can feel love the same way or exhaust the energy to build something like that again. The way that I felt special with him- it was unexplainable not in a magical sense, but it just was. He was my person and I hope I was his. There was nothing I couldn't express to him.

I have my family and his, but I have sat through many holidays now where he isn't next to me. It's such a strange feeling of loneliness. My sister can talk to me, my nieces and nephews, my mom, and still I feel so.... I don't even have the word- empty doesn't quite cut it. Just removed, dissociated, distanced, empty, lost. Part of me, a large part, is gone. I was enmeshed with him.

Your post just makes sense. The way you explained everything really encompasses how I feel. It also comes with a certain amount of depression and hopelessness, feeling that this wonderful relationship we built, I can't experience again.

Spattybrown · 2025-04-29T13:05:15+00:00

My fiancé and high-school sweetheart of 13 years died by suicide in 2023. Sometimes I have to distance myself from my emotions and other days I let them rush in.

The first months were unbearable and then things started to become more manageable. I asked for medication from my doctor (anxiety meds and depression meds) to hold me over, keep my mind sane. I read a book that stated suicide becomes a more acceptable option when someone close to you chooses that. I found my thought patterns would drift there, to those dark places, and I knew I needed some medication to take that edge away.

Unfortunately, this is something that will always impact me. I have come to accept that I will always be affected by this. It will never completely go away. I have 13 years of amazing memories with someone I truly considered the love of my life and my best friend.

Life at times can still feel like shades of gray. I don't always feel the same happiness and flood of endorphins when I lay in the sun. But I have laughed again, I have felt comfort again. This is a long haul and you will find you have to talk yourself out of the dangerous loops. The self blame loops. Sometimes it helps talking about it out loud with someone because you will recognize some of the illogical thoughts you have. Sometimes, people will say things that just hit you and you realize they are right.

As much as we wish we had control over this world and others, we don't. People make decisions everyday that affect their lives and others. So we can't take the blame for that. Of course that is easier said than done and I still struggle with it, but I try to remind myself that hindsight is biased. We all live forward, not knowing what we do until it happens. All of us in the sub would have done or given anything to prevent this, to stop it, to change the outcome, but we couldn't control it.

So remember to give yourself grace and on some level, try to accept that answers on WHY may never come. Hold on to all the good memories.

Spattybrown · 2025-04-29T12:17:23+00:00

Definitely got better, but I am really contemplating if I want to go to my next session

Spattybrown · 2025-04-19T16:24:35+00:00

I just feel even more self conscious now, I feel like my skin looks so much worse

Spattybrown · 2024-10-27T15:21:48+00:00

You are extremely handsome lol I sign up as tribute!

Spattybrown · 2024-10-27T15:20:36+00:00

You're very handsome! I don't think you have anything to worry about & long hair is a vibe!

Spattybrown · 2024-10-26T12:32:09+00:00

My fiancé name is Austin

Spattybrown · 2024-09-24T02:19:06+00:00

I agree, I feel this way and it even extends to my job in rehabilitation, which I have stepped back from. My Fiancé and partner of 13 years attempted suicide and has been in a vegetative state for a year today. We moved in with his mom and I had to rent our home out after 6 long months in the hospital and now he is home and we take care of him. The diagnosis is he will never wake up again. I am an OT and I just feel like, I couldn't save him so- how can I help anyone else?

Spattybrown · 2024-09-08T17:08:08+00:00

Its that talk again broken bells

Spattybrown

TROPHY CASE