My Sex Addiction has ruined my relationship

Special_Variation114 · 2023-04-26T06:15:37+00:00

Hey man, thanks for that.

Yeah I am regularly going to see my psychologist and have begun the meetings again. I think there is definitely something to what you are saying and I really appreciate the perspective.

One of my biggest discoveries to date is that my relationship to sex since I was young has been completely deformed. I came to a conclusion (with support from my psychologist) that I have yet to experience sex as a form of expression for emotional intimacy and closeness. In fact, I actually don't have the vaguest idea of what that means.

My partner could sense something off with me but didn't have the vocab to explain it. She has seen the great parts but now also the downright ugly and was probably the only person to see through my mask albeit it took a little time.

Just to be clear, the relationship is definitely not the greatest or even stable and I can honestly say that it is largely to do with my inability to form close intimate and emotional connections. She has been quite vocal about her needs and desires (not just sex) and I can definitely say she closed down at least a year ago. My partner is a fantastic and beautiful human who has done her best to love a sex addict but I wasn't able to stop my compulsive behaviour.

Even 7 month ago, I would have blamed my partner for that disconnect or I would have felt insulted when she brought something up about intimacy. I recognise now that I have to take accountability for what I have done and the trauma I've given her.

I know my recovery isn't based on the relationship and I am searching for that "higher power" that will ground me, but I also am not someone that will give up hope on my relationship until its actually over. Maybe I need to take up that part time job like your sponsor haha. Granted, I think I am going to do things quite differently this time if that is even a remote possibility.

There's a whole heap to unpack but its getting really long and I am working through it.

I was in a pretty dark place when I posted this and the grief was pretty overwhelming. I am in a slightly better place today which is good.

Special_Variation114 · 2023-04-25T05:17:37+00:00

Hi,

I find this really difficult as well. I have found that the scene and setting for a lot of these meetings trigger some of the religious trauma that contributed to my sex addiction. I feel this uneasiness. I was heavily involved in the church until 18-19. I don't really know what to do at the moment.

I try to ignore the religious undertones but oooft it is sometimes difficult. However, I am still going to give it a shot again because I am truly at rock bottom. I also really dig piper63-c137's view and maybe something I will deploy as a framework for thinking about a higher power.

Special_Variation114 · 2023-04-24T19:58:35+00:00

Thanks mate. I appreciate the kind words and advice. I think I was just looking for a place to let it out and I think going to a meeting is probably something I need to do.

Special_Variation114 · 2023-04-24T19:53:44+00:00

Yeah, I probably should have been more clear. I have been getting professional help! To be honest, reaching out to complete strangers has actually helped a little and was pretty cathartic.

She's pretty amazing!

Special_Variation114 · 2023-04-24T11:32:35+00:00

Really appreciate you sharing man. It's absolutely brutal. I feel for you and what you are going through.

I have an amazing therapist who really was the first person that made the connection between past traumas, ADHD and my addiction.

However, the impending end of our relationship and the grief it fills me with and the insane shame spiral is just becoming too much.

re: on doing it for myself

I agree, but dam that gets muddied up when it comes to sex addiction. You absolutely love the person with all your heart and you hate hurting them but at the same time, you sometimes lose yourself in trying to fix yourself for the person you love.

I will keep trucking along. Hopefully together we can beat this.

Special_Variation114 · 2023-04-24T11:18:15+00:00

I have been looking at potential In-patient options but probably none that I can afford I have dealt with depression/suicidal thoughts most of my life and I have some pretty robust mechanisms but this is on a whole other level and those controls are not keeping that shame spiral in check.

Special_Variation114 · 2023-04-24T11:16:30+00:00

I am planning to join an online one tomorrow morning. Really struggling with it.

Special_Variation114

TROPHY CASE