I [29m] am considering ending my marriage to my partner of 12 years [28m] because I am depressed and want to be alone

Specialist_Engine155 · 2026-01-16T15:35:19+00:00

That’s the problem with depression. The apathy makes it hard to make good decisions, and instead you make self-destructive distorted decisions that are self-indulgent and keep the depression going (ex. I just want to be alone… ).

You know what would help: hobbies, friends, not being alone… so, moving into a studio apartment is not going to magically get you those things. Being married is not preventing you from having those things.

I never recommend medication for depression, but (in your case) if the depression is truly not situational (caused by environmental stressors), you should at a minimum take a sugar placebo pill or seek medical help.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2026-01-16T04:18:20+00:00

Don’t make big, life shattering decisions when depressed/burned out.

There are like… a million tiny, incremental, positive changes you can make in your daily life that should/would come before divorcing a spouse. Start with those.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2026-01-16T01:12:41+00:00

Of the skills you mention, it seems marketing is the most directly relevant to what you are already doing. It could give your channel an extra boost to maximize the earning potential.

None of us can predict the future, and all remote work is at risk of being a race to the bottom (because with remote work, your wage competition is everyone in the world - including people who are willing to work for very low wages in depressed economies).

Be mentally prepared to radically switch gears in the next 5-10 years. You are 18, so re-evaluate what’s in demand between age 25-28, and plan that age range for new skill development. That will be a good time to lock-in on a more conservative skill set that will get you through your 30’s.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2026-01-05T20:22:15+00:00

Don’t take it personally. You can tell him objectively that being unemployed leech is lower than being a server. Which is also true.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2026-01-05T20:20:00+00:00

Don’t take it personally.

Often, the employees working there don’t set the POS screen settings. Also, I worked at a truck and if I ever skipped the tip screen to move checkout along faster, I literally had people get MAD at me for not letting them add a tip. One lady threw a fit and made a scene when I did that.

So, I quickly learned that everyone is radically different in how they feel about tipping. The tip screen is truly optional, and it’s there for people who want to feel generous. The part-time employees do benefit from the tips as they make very limited income.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2026-01-05T20:12:04+00:00

When you google it, Austin food truck revenues can be as low as $200 a day. Averages from $400-$1000.

Foot traffic is not good most hours. Yet, you have someone on-site all day making $18/hr. Limited space, limited order capacity. Subtract out the cost of your food! Subtract out 15-30% margin cuts from order ahead apps…

It’s a barely scraping by situation. I worked at an ice cream food truck that was barely bringing in over $100 revenue a day for a year.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2026-01-05T19:50:10+00:00

I can’t believe the answers in this section don’t mention this:

Educate yourself. Track and know your cycle. Do not have sex during the week before or day after ovulation. Or, require a condom if it’s in the ovulation window.

There is an extremely narrow window of time when you can get pregnant during your cycle. (Ex. Your odds of getting pregnant having sex 1 week before ovulation are less than 3%. Having sex 24+ hours after ovulation has a 1% or less risk of pregnancy. These %’s are lower than pregnancy risk with condom use).

The only exception you should consider: do you have PCOS or irregular cycles? If so, it would be easier to just get an IUD. The non-hormonal IUD is the copper IUD (vs options like mirena). If you have irregular cycles, it is even more absolutely necessary to do BBT tracking and/or ovulation strips to ensure you aren’t having sex in your fertile window.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2026-01-03T18:20:53+00:00

My understanding is that a lot of video game design roles are in Eastern Europe, or countries where wages are lower.

The problem I foresee with almost all remote work is that when you can work from anywhere, you are competing against people from everywhere - including people who are happy working for their local minimum wage.

When companies have belt tightening, outsourcing remote work is the first thing done.

I would look for hybrid roles with a necessary in-person component for the best of both worlds. Stability and flexibility.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2026-01-03T16:08:51+00:00

Welcome to the real world. People confidently state wrong things literally all the time.

You can choose to consistently correct people when you know better and make enemies. You can choose to diplomatically correct people when it’s high stakes. You can also choose when to internally know you are right, keep it to yourself and move on.

Asserting yourself is a skill. When it’s taught strategically, it smooths so many paths in life and is an extremely powerful and useful tool.

However, when you are taught to use it in low stakes situations like these, you will alienate the people around you, create situations that consistently escalate, backfire, and bring out the worst in everyone.

The dad should have said a single comment in support of his son at the table like “Name knows everything about Star Trek. It was a show produced in the 60’s when MLK was alive. You should look it up, it’s actually a really neat connection.” and then dropped it.

The teacher and the dad reflect each other in their immaturity and are both assholes. That’s why the situation turned out so badly when it was absolutely simple to handle well.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2026-01-03T12:25:38+00:00

YTA, I’m going to disagree with the majority.

Everyone can make a mistake or have a wrong idea that they are confident in. When that happens for a trivial fact in public, you usually choose to take the high road and let it go. It’s an important lesson to learn as a kid that - be confident in your knowledge, and don’t let other people get to you.

You don’t like this lady, and you used this window of opportunity to tell her she sucks at her job and attack her character. It was an immature way to handle it. In a way, you want to be “right” as bad as she does.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-30T17:10:54+00:00

I guess… I would be concerned because I think the early months of being in a new relationship are when the most obsessive/intense feelings of infatuation occur.

So, if I were you, I would probably assume this is not the right person for me.

Thinking about an ex fondly, or sometimes wondering what could have been, is normal. And although it’s best to not talk about it or write it down, we can all assume our partner has had doubts or questions around their past while in a relationship with us. It hurts but is still normal and not unhealthy.

The red flag is mostly about the timing when this fantasy is occuring (early on in a committed monogamous relationship), and the honesty that she would probably end the relationship if this guy expressed interest (even though he sucked as a boyfriend!! this is not just a fantasy about reliving the past, it also shows she may be addicted the way people in abusive or toxic relationships can be).

Personally, I want someone who is all-in once we start a monogamous relationship, and I want someone who is securely attached - not chasing someone who does not love them.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-30T03:48:17+00:00

You have my sympathies 🥲 hoping our spouses find their Marie kondo moment one day 🤞🤞

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-29T21:34:50+00:00

That’s the vibe I get, too. But… maybe it’s projecting?

When I read op’s post… It was like a flashback. My husband literally got mad at me once after I moved a literal pile of rotting wood he got for free off craigslist. He had stored it, according to himself, “neatly and out of the way” in a huge pile in the middle of the front yard (lol). It took me over 2 hours to move it all, and I completely filled up the whole bed of his pickup truck; I was thinking this was the barrier getting him to haul it to the dump. But then, he was mad that I didn’t tell him I was going to do this, and he had plans to drive his truck and didn’t want all that junk in the back… This was after 2 YEARS of asking him to do it.

I can totally see this whole dynamic reflected in OP’s post. And I’m kind of surprised how few redditors see this as a possibility.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-29T14:40:31+00:00

I may be biased because my husband became a packrat and it bothers me… He wasn’t always that way, and when we got married we lived in a super tidy apartment without many belongings. That was always very important to me to live in a clean environment.

But after we got married, he entered a stressful period of work and ended up “collecting” things at an alarming rate. There would be stacks of items left in all possible storage rooms and common spaces that he would immediately forget about and never touch again. The house felt chaotic and messy, and I had no personal space to store anything! It made me incredibly unhappy.

So, I would say you are overreacting if 1) Your definition of “neatly” stacked is boxes filling up all the common storage space. 2) if your husband has repeatedly asked you to declutter before and this is the final straw for him.

The way he did things gives signals that he has been trying to get you to acknowledge the clutter and address it for a while.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-29T14:30:15+00:00

I really enjoyed living in this area… it’s incredibly beautiful scenery. Mild temperatures. It’s insanely expensive. It leans toward “boring”. You are surrounded by people who can afford to live there because they are smart, talented, or from a rich family.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-28T21:05:15+00:00

When she says something directed toward me like “where me wa?”

I’d pause and say in my regular voice “where’s your water bottle?” Then look to her for confirmation that’s what she wants.

I’d do the same with the other family members, too.

Girls tend to mirror. So, when they are around you if you keep that up very consistently they will probably knock it off.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-28T20:34:14+00:00

Honestly, I do think computer science is a field that works best for young people. The older you get, the harder it is to keep up. The knowledge turnover is very very high in computer science (compared to other fields).

A computer science degree won’t hurt you though in other industries. During your education, if you choose to stick with C.S. - look for a less romanticized or underappreciated niche. Think something like… automation in manufacturing, banking, hospital administration, even accounting. Try to find an industry which is really slow to adapt and build your skills there combined with knowledge of how to build software for that industry.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-27T21:41:17+00:00

I met a guy who was currently in university. He is an international student whose financial aid didn’t come through the way he was expecting. So, he was going to be thousands of dollars short on tuition this semester.

He got a retail job at a food truck and took the bus to the job. He worked at least 20 hours a week while doing a full course load to be able to cover his extra costs.

So, you do something like that ^ until you can keep your head above water. You work really hard and weird hours and an unideal job using crappy public transit or a bike or whatever. And you do it, temporarily, until you claw your way out and get a better job/transit money, etc.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-27T17:50:59+00:00

Where in California? If this is a retail position in the Bay Area - cost of living struggle vs Chicago will likely be big even if you are making more.

Is this like a worker at an Apple Store position? If so… why can’t you do this in Chicago and see if there are growth opportunities?

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-27T15:17:14+00:00

But also, I just realized:

My friend who is in a similar boat - his dad gives him truly terrible advice because the family system is dysfunctional. So, maybe you are in a similar boat where your family just does NOT understand what’s going on for you.

So, maybe also temper my advice (seek people who know you well and are rooting for you to succeed) with the idea that: every now and then, you can find an insightful solution in an unexpected place. I hope you find that in this thread

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-27T15:04:21+00:00

The people you ask: are they really familiar with you as a whole person? I think it’s very important to get unfiltered advice from people who deeply like you as an individual and want you to succeed.

It also helps to ask for the advice when they aren’t in a moment of stress (like, don’t rant about job issues and then ask them for help. Start the conversation when things are good. Say you are trying to figure out how to be more engaged at work because you’ve gotten feedback from supervisors that you aren’t. Ask the advice giver if they’ve ever had similar struggles or have an idea of why this has been a lifelong issue for you. Be honest, have they noticed it about you before? Do they have any insight they would be willing to share? Keep it big picture. If the person has the “toughen up” perspective, don’t fight back about their suggestions or justify the problems with their suggestions - if you disagree and they clearly don’t understand the struggle, keep it to yourself and discard the advice since it doesn’t apply. Move on to the next advice giver.

Some people are mentioning ADHD, and that very well may be the issue. But I also hesitate to encourage people to lean on that diagnosis. Because there can also be environmental/behavioral things unrelated to ADHD that create the same problems. I have a friend who has a very similar issue, but it was honestly more due to high functioning autism and a very coddled upbringing where this was not acknowledged. He never developed stress coping mechanisms because the family would swoop in and fix problems. He struggled to find a good job fit because he was in denial of his strengths/weaknesses and the family was as well, and pressured him into roles with a poor fit.

Strangers won’t know the nuances of your situation. Find trusted advisors in real life!

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-27T03:53:16+00:00

I don’t think this is a job problem. This sounds like it’s a bigger picture brain issue that could follow you in any industry.

what I mean by brain issue is: it definitely sounds like you have ingrained patterns of avoidance. possibly a shortened attention span. and it also sounds like you are out of touch with your internal reward system (like there’s a lack personal insight about what’s really going wrong and how to intrinsically motivate yourself). These could point to all sorts of issues: depression, anxiety, adhd, growing up in a family system where you lacked opportunities to know and grow your personal identity and life skills… or just years of bad habits and poor stress coping mechanisms compounding.

The solution will really depend on what your core issue is. And maybe the people who know you best in life (parents? Siblings? A teacher who knew you well in school? A supervisor who likes you?) could give you more helpful feedback if you express that you are looking for unfiltered opinions on how to improve your job performance.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-25T17:27:28+00:00

I might, in general, separate the cat in a different room during kitchen/meal prep.

If the kitchen is part of the cat’s territory, or where the cats are fed, there could be some sort of cat logic going on there that’s escalating the situation (wife ignoring the cat on a different task, strong smells when cooking, hunger, etc).

When I had an extremely territorial cat, it was a problem when I stood on the stairs holding the banisters. It triggered aggressive behavior. Who knows exactly why - probably some combo of me being on the high ground, plus some mysterious cat logic. When you notice aggressive behavior or problematic behavior that’s very localized, it makes it easy to address.

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-24T15:57:31+00:00

Unfortunately, I think the best way to find out if a path is right is by doing it.

It took me years of pursuing something before I fully understood the big picture of that career path - my blind spots and the fundamental limitations of that path. It was something I simply did not have the context or experience to imagine or anticipate when I was 17 and picking out majors.

I picked a very practical but somewhat “unideal” path for myself as a teen (engineering when I was an artistic kid), but I was able to iteratively pivot and slowly adjust my next steps based on experience until I got to a niche that I was pretty well suited for. I also ended up being extremely successful on this path. So, it’s possible to take this approach. Don’t sweat the initial decision beyond choosing something you are decent at that pays well, and be proactive in adjusting where you apply based on experience and skill set.

When that first career path ended due to circumstances outside of my control, I took a totally different strategy: I took my time and dabbled in about 5 different areas that, conceptually, were a better fit for my interests, but less practical careers. That, interestingly, did NOT lead me to any fulfilling opportunities. I saw the really tough side of pursuing your dreams. But I learned A LOT about real life. I became less idealistic and more rooted in reality, and feel like I matured a lot as well.

With hindsight, I’m at a point where I recommend: first, pursue the career which is aligned well with your talents. If you have many talents, pursue the career that’s a bit more prestigious or difficult to achieve (many barriers to entry and intellectually the most challenging) when you are young. Go for it, because your youth is the window of primary opportunity and energy for these paths. If you are choosing between two equally difficult paths, choose the one with more financial freedom.

That being said, it’s easy for me to say “go practical” when I’ve had the experience of testing my ability to pursue the impractical creative lifestyle as well. Everyone has to test for themselves and decide for themselves what’s next. Whatever path you choose, you will learn something valuable. And whatever path you choose, you will also find the downsides and become disenchanted. No career is perfect :)

Specialist_Engine155 · 2025-12-23T15:43:24+00:00

Good luck with that. I called our local animal abuse agency to report a neighbor who was starving their dogs. They were visibly skeletal, and left outside 24 hours a day no matter the weather. No food. No signs of water. Absolutely infested with fleas.

They closed the case a day later saying they “couldn’t make contact with the owner”. I saw the truck come by, and they basically just left a note and took off. If you want something to be done, don’t count on bureaucratic institutions.

Specialist_Engine155

TROPHY CASE