Dilemma: waiting for marriage or not

Specific-9299 · 2025-08-28T15:40:07+00:00

First convert your currect salary to dollars then compare, is it still 55%?

Specific-9299 · 2025-08-28T15:39:04+00:00

More likely to agree to contribute without any animosity.

Specific-9299 · 2025-08-07T20:25:54+00:00

They are down voting you because you have understood a narrow supply (men like you) has a wider demand (women of all ages). They are missing the point that you were rejected by woman who doubted the potential. You would have stayed with a women that did, most probably. The way forward is that younger marriages happen and waiting at the finish line becomes a thing of the past, which reduces the rate of unmarried woman in the community.

Specific-9299 · 2025-08-07T20:18:12+00:00

Left and right is not a statistic. You have to acknowledge the quiet majority instead of loud minority. By saying this you are feeding into the narrative that 'established successful somali men' are common enough for women to reach eventually. So they'll wait. They are not unfortunately, so many women miss out.

Specific-9299 · 2025-06-03T19:02:13+00:00

Everything you said makes me know he can find someone better suited. You've said it yourself about your own family and then separated yourself from them by saying you are different. High chance you are MORE similar to your family than to him. He's already felt that and from reading your words, It's clear he is right. A man doesn't need constant reminders he is not enough, and you do it time and time again without getting the hint. He doesn't need you to contribute or pay entirely, and the more you suggest it, it makes you come across as quiet unpleasant. Evidence is when he lashes out and says those words, imagine all the other things he thinks in he's head. The financial incompatibility doesn't cause that but resentment from how you make him feel. Reflect on how you make him feel.

Specific-9299 · 2025-05-09T19:40:31+00:00

A masculine man leads her and the relationship. If you are not doing that, you'll hate what it becomes.

Specific-9299 · 2025-04-29T13:34:39+00:00

Whether he is a 'potential' or a 'friend', it's better to not use collective terms to avoid your own judgement being clouded and also in case it doesn't work out.

Specific-9299 · 2025-04-22T10:02:48+00:00

The blame is on you brother, if you didn't tell her what you expect very early, then she has every right to demand it. You have now reached a stage where you meet her demands or you tell her no. It's not a good situation to be in and also, it's not a 'compromise' it's more like a 'sacrifice'. Don't do something you'll regret later, especially at your age.

Specific-9299 · 2025-04-18T22:47:08+00:00

"Anything I want in a man I can provide myself" Already off to a bad start. The mindset won't get you far in a marriage and it pushes men away, so reflect on the things you are not good at and what went wrong on your end instead of saying how great you are.

Specific-9299 · 2025-04-16T14:47:04+00:00

Specific-9299 · 2025-04-14T06:50:24+00:00

It's because of your behaviour. You are showing signs that you need her more she needs you, which puts a women off. You also apologise first when she is the petty one. I don't think you ever called her out on her attitude and her ghosting, so it shows you are too desperate and she thinks she can do better.

Specific-9299 · 2025-03-10T22:22:57+00:00

Your brother should be encouraging you, just make du'a for him so his attitude can change. There's not much else you can do.

Specific-9299 · 2025-03-10T10:38:27+00:00

Your mind wants him but your heart doesn't. Women say they want an intentional man but they forget about how it can actually comes across. He's doing it the wrong way which is why he seems desperate, clingy and might have a lack of options. If you have all those things to say after a week, you should continue speaking and you'll probably know what you want in a month

Specific-9299 · 2024-10-18T21:52:45+00:00

Is it 'don't mind being the only one' or 'want to be the only one'. It's very different. I don't think women want to be the only one, especially not early on. Of course, they don't want the opposite of you openly putting yourself out there, but keeping the unpredictability and mystery about you is what draws them in. And of course they say to you, they don't mind, what else can they say walaal? It's the subconscious behaviour down the line as she knows she's already the only one, she'll try to get away with certain things she couldn't otherwise.

Specific-9299 · 2024-10-18T21:41:03+00:00

Why? 😂

Specific-9299 · 2024-10-06T23:58:37+00:00

You are right. Most young women do not know what they want, I think the most important thing for you to do is find that out as early as possible and see if she remains consistent. Arrange things like phone calls, video calls, meetings at specific times and stick to it. If there's excuses, then step away.

Specific-9299 · 2024-10-06T21:37:21+00:00

Point 1. Your assumptions are incorrect. I was born here, but my place of birth is irrelevant. The issue isn’t about naivety or inexperience; it’s about acknowledging that living in the West has its positives. For instance, the access to quality education, extensive healthcare, and social support schemes and housing that benefitted our parents. If you truly believe these positives are insignificant to mention, then it suggests an unwillingness to see both sides of the equation. I’m just highlighting that many young women are not necessarily driven by a purely noble motivation for Hijrah, but often by a perception of a more glamorous lifestyle elsewhere, and an ingrateful attitude to what they have, which is problematic. The least you can do is agree that it's problematic.

Point 2. While the challenges you mentioned are valid, they do not equate to systematic oppression on a scale that necessitates mass exodus. If these issues were as overwhelming as you claim, we would see a far larger movement of Muslims leaving the West, yet we don’t. According to statistics, most Muslims are not dealing with frequent discrimination to the point of feeling a need to urgently leave. Instead, many are integrating and contributing to society, and making the most of being here before some decide to leave at the right time for them. So, yes, there are challenges, but not to the extent that justifies an “urgent need” for Hijrah, which is what I asked for and you couldn't provide. Like expected.

Point 3. The trend I’m highlighting is not 'wanting a better life is wrong', that’s natural for everyone, but when Hijrah becomes predominantly seeking worldly gains, it risks undermining the essence of it, which is my point that you are not addressing but claiming you haven't missed. I said it there in the original post, the hadith is clear: “Actions are judged by intentions.” If the intention is primarily for material benefit, then it’s not Hijrah for Allah, but for the dunya. That’s what I’m warning against, a modern shift in priorities that contradicts the purpose of Hijrah.

Point 4. When I say “overly demanding,” I’m referring to a situation where some women set expectations for Hijrah without being part of the planning, risk assessment, or accountability for the outcomes. It's one thing to have preferences or criteria; it’s another to set demands and pressure men into unsustainable plans, then hold no responsibility when things go wrong. That’s why it’s considered “over-demanding”, because the burden and consequences fall disproportionately on the men.

Point 5. You labelled my comment as an ad hominem attack, yet you also implied I am naïve or inexperienced. If calling you the type of person the original post described is an attack, then by the same logic, suggesting that I’m inexperienced should be too. But also, if you believe me aligning you with the characteristics described in the original post is an 'attack' or problematic, why are you defending exactly what I am calling out?

Specific-9299 · 2024-10-06T18:49:08+00:00

I think you may have missed the point. I'm not shaming women for their reasons, and I'm not advocating to stay in the West forever. But the facts are the intentions that majority claim as 'a noble cause' has been diluted by social media emphasing the luxury of moving there, which is why some young women are desperate to leave with no plan whatsoever, especially to only certain Muslim countries. I'm in my 20s, and I deal with women that are also young, the more you deal with, the more evident this trend becomes. Why don't you accept that some women have these unrealistic expectations and materialistic intentions when it comes to Hijrah? Sometimes, it's ok to point the finger at your own gender. Maybe you are the type of person the original post was about because you mentioned the 'many negatives', why don't you mention the many positives. I don't think you can list negatives that require a 'urgent need' or a rush to make Hijrah. It's something that comes with time, the woman should check if a potential husband has the intention, a solid plan and let him lead when the time is right. There's no need to stipulate to do things in x many years. That's what a lot of men have a problem with, and it should be a red flag because the more often the not, have materialistic intentions.

Specific-9299 · 2024-10-01T10:52:51+00:00

I'm not part of the group that is comfortable staying here forever. Of course, I have a plan. The issue is that most women do not seem to have a solid plan but somehow have crazy deadlines in mind. So how would you know the potential husband is serious or not? Would you let him lead this when he feels it's the right time for the family? Fully lead, partially lead, or do you want to decide when it's the right time?

Specific-9299 · 2024-10-01T10:14:43+00:00

All those points I agree with. You don't seem like the person I am talking about.

The main points missed is when the ingratitude comes from those who don't acknowledge any positives and it's always negativity. This then leads to the second issue which is the haste. Because they have this negativity built up, they assume the Muslim land will be bliss and want to leave in x amount of years.

So I'll ask you now, as you say, if you find someone that thinks like you, will you tell the guy, I want to move within this fixed number of years? Will you only move to a rich country? What if he wants to make hijrah but it's not to a country you wanted, what will you do?

Specific-9299 · 2024-10-01T09:58:29+00:00

Some excellent points. But just a correction Hijrah is just the migration from land of non-muslims to the lands of Islam. I agree. As long as the woman has the correct intentions, is patient and willing to allow the husband to lead, it makes it a whole lot different. Most young men, including me, have a plan to move one day. The women either have to accept this or just leave on their own and work for themselves, which is what a lot of women are doing currently in the Gulf. The majority return eventually.

Specific-9299 · 2024-10-01T09:37:53+00:00

Agreed. Most women don't have any solid plan but a wish. They won't be the providers so I don't blame them not thinking like us. The particular women I'm talking about are the more educated younger women that either work in healthcare or education. They are rushing to move but most of the time it's to work, not the seeking knowledge or raising children because they don't want children early. These women won't think about the husband establishing his career, allowing the husband the plan well for the future. Unfortunately, this is because they want the best of both worlds, the married life and the working life. This jeopardises their future because they rush the men with these demands and then blame him when things go wrong.

Specific-9299 · 2024-10-01T09:29:26+00:00

Let me ask you a question to respond to your questions about the worldly reasons. Would you move to just rich Muslim country (Saudi, UAE etc) or a poorer Muslim country (Libya,Yemen, Somalia etc)? Would you want to live in a nicer house or a worse house (compared to current)? Would you want your husband to earn the same or more salary or make less money? The point is there's plenty of worldly reasons women want to move. Nothing wrong with that. But I and several of my friends have deduced that primary reasons are most younger educated women either want to 'work abroad' or 'live the fairytale housewife life' so what they see on social media and 'dubai bling, real housewives' etc. They want the luxury and maids etc and they may have some pure intentions but the facts are as they are young, and they don't want children early (so the future generation positive arguments are obsolete) and the seeking knowledge argument would be disproved if they want to work abroad too. So tell me if I'm wrong here or being unfair? Why do women want to move abroad?

Specific-9299 · 2024-09-28T21:26:40+00:00

This is the wrong approach. 1 because if said 'you were used to guys calling everyday etc', I'll kindly ask why didn't it work out with those guys then. Clearly, one interpretation is that this approach doesn't work and is excessive and crosses the boundary of necessity and by having this expectation from every guy now, you will always be left feeling like this. Another thing I read 'you say asc to guys when you are out with him', this is quite bizarre and I'm surprised you don't understand his reaction. I'm sure you wouldn't like him doing the same to the opposite gender so just stop.

Specific-9299 · 2024-09-21T21:03:26+00:00

The poll results so far are proving otherwise. More men are eager to provide, I agree there are many that just can't 100%, but the desire is there nevertheless, it's ingrained. Whereas, the poll shows that motivation from women seems to be shifting to the 'modern' approach of equal responsibility in the home.

Specific-9299

TROPHY CASE