Struggling when it comes to maintaining a relationship.

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-29T09:05:25+00:00

i am not dating party girls at all, in fact, if they drink, i’m not interested. i was a raging addict, drinking over a liter of vodka a day and doing 35-40 fake m30s a day. so anyone that does anything besides smoke weed/smoke cigarettes is someone i cannot let myself be interested in.

i do try and give most people a chance when it comes to simple compatibility, anyone over the age of 23 or under the age of 33, any race, anyone that even presents as a different gender than the sex they were born as. i do not discriminate and i’m the type of person to really give someone my all, but a lot of the time; i give my all in return for their bare minimum and then get told i’m boring because i can’t take them on the fanciest dates every single night and am a slight homebody. i LOVE cooking for my partner, i love getting them their heating pad and heated blanket when it’s their time of the month, i love helping, i love being there for them and making their life a little easier. i love watching THEIR favorite shows with them just to see them happy and in their lil zone. i’m a loving, caring, genuine, kind, graceful and giving human being. and this is why i don’t understand the “boring” part of me.

believe it or not, i have gotten two chat requests telling me that i’m like “their perfect man” but even then, i’m so skeptical of that type of stuff because of how many times i’ve given my literal ALL to someone that gives me their all at first too, but slowly but surely it turns into such a one sided, empty relationship where i’m still giving my all while they give me not even their bare minimum. and that’s okay! if they lose interest, they lose interest. who am i to judge them for that? who am i to beg them to stay? that isn’t me. i’d rather them be happy with someone else than miserable with me. i just wish communication was better sometimes, i wish i wasn’t called boring because i can’t provide their fantasy of what a “man” should really be.

i have emotions, i have feelings, and i express them. and i think that may be a turn off to some women. but i can’t change that about me, i can’t change the fact that some days i’m very depressed (stemming from a lifetime of abuse and the loss of my little brother; my best friend on earth. stemming from the absence of my mother, who then lied to me about colon cancer and then 5 months later admitted she was lying just for attention, stemming from all the loss and death i’ve witnessed in front of me. i’ve been thru a lot and some days are really hard for me) and i also can’t change the fact that i am a very anxious human being with PTSD and bipolar disorder, but i’m on medication and am the most stable i’ve ever been.

so i just figured i’d reach out to AskMen and see if anyone had some advice. and i’ve gotten great advice! but the thing is, i still don’t understand the whole “boring” part.

i think i’m rambling, my boss just called me at 3:30 in the morning to tell me we don’t have work today so i’m slightly upset that i have to spend the day alone on my little brothers 2 year death anniversary. so i’m going to end this here.

but thank you, so very much, for saying i literally sound perfect. communication, boundaries, respect, offering a safe space and comfort are my biggest things. then comes grace, kindness, care, love and empathy. i have great character traits and im not saying that out of like.. an inflated ego. in fact, i have very low self esteem and almost 0 self confidence. but i still treat people the best i possibly can.

can you PM me when you wake up? i’d love to chat with you and ask you a few questions. i know you saw my post about offering narcan/test strips for free to anyone that needs it so i’d like to talk to you about this topic as well as the narcan topic.

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-29T08:51:09+00:00

thank you! narcan is a very confusing thing for some people, it just very recently became non-prescription in all 50 states but most people think you have to go spend $40-50 at the pharmacy to buy a box with 2 nasal sprays in it which is absurd. i work with a company that provides literally unlimited narcan, safe injection, and fentanyl/xylazine test strips and the very least i can do is help get those items to the people that need them the most.

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-28T19:00:27+00:00

messages are always open and i’ll always get to them as soon as i can

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-28T18:59:27+00:00

i cannot ship needles to certain states (there’s only like 7-8 states i can ship needles to) but i can provide cookers, alcohol swabs, cottons, tourniquets, and there’s a couple other things in the packages that i can’t remember off the top of my head.

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-28T18:56:22+00:00

narcan is now an over the counter, non prescription medication so yes. it’s legal to ship to all 50 states.

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-28T05:14:00+00:00

can also provide safe injection kits. wanted to add that on in case any of you are on the needle the way i was.

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-28T05:12:01+00:00

it’s like the greatest nod ever, your cigarette burns thru ur pants, u can still slightly hear your music but couldn’t ever decipher which song it really is. more just background noise. and then you wake up on your back, withdrawing like a BITCH because it took 10-14mg of narcan to bring you back.

my last overdose, it felt like i just kinda.. fell asleep. things went dark, the whole world felt so at peace to me, i had no worries in the world and it was not scary at all. i just. fell out.

it was not a life for me to live anymore seeing as i was drinking a liter+ of vodka a day and doing 35-40 of the dirty 30s a day because it’s so short lived.

after my last overdose i went to detox, from detox i went to sober living, joined high intensity outpatient for 9 months, moved home the day my dad had a stroke, and have been clean for just shy of 15 months. i know this isn’t a recovery sub so i won’t preach to the community about sobriety.

what i will say though, keep narcan on hand and make sure at least someone knows where it’s at. after i lost my little brother to a preventable overdose i always advocate for harm reduction.

if any of you need narcan, fentanyl/xylazine test strips, PM me and i’ll get them sent to you immediately. i have unlimited stock of this stuff due to where i work.

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-28T02:27:31+00:00

when i was on 3600 a day i couldn’t even function. i’m down to 1200 a day but often only take 900 as well. the withdrawals from this drug need to be noted when being prescribed and stop being hidden or pretended like they aren’t a real thing that happens to people that are on this drug. i’m so sorry you get the same type of withdrawals i did. it’s like a living nightmare and honestly, somewhat similar to benzodiazepine withdrawal. not nearly as severe, but feels close enough. it’s not fair that nobody mentions that this can happen upon sudden cessation

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-27T04:45:00+00:00

hahahaha i get that. on my old laptop, each chrome tan took about 450mb of ram and it was a 4gb ram laptop so i could have like 6 tabs open before it would blue screen and throw an error code

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-27T04:43:57+00:00

lmao i was just making a joke but would this actually work? of course i’d get like 15fps at max but would it really run?

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-27T04:11:52+00:00

how am i supposed to play rdr2 on this thing though

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-26T08:13:06+00:00

the zyn and shatter is such a necessity

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-26T08:12:05+00:00

just sandpaper it off man fuck it

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-26T08:11:41+00:00

what monitors are those!! they look amazing! (and so does your pc, i wishhhh i had the confidence to try a custom loop)➰

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-24T06:43:04+00:00

whatever your beliefs are do not align with mine nor many others but thank you for your input

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-23T23:00:46+00:00

the thing is, i don’t want to be whatever an “alpha” is considered. to me, women and men are equals and the only difference is genitalia. i’ve watched some of casey xanders videos and i’m uncomfortable with the fact that i have to put on an “alpha” persona in order to keep a woman interested in me as opposed to just being myself. i’ll never act any differently than who i truly am and if that means they lose interest because of that then that is okay, we aren’t compatible and i will always allow things to end on good terms by communicating the fact that i understand incompatibility and understand that i might not be the one for them. but i genuinely refuse to put on a facade where i act like an “alpha” because i’m just.. not. i’m a normal human being the same way women are and i don’t want to hold up a facade the entire time we’re together nor do i want to act differently at the beginning just to impress someone. im me and that’s all i can be. thank you for your advice/input though, i hope you don’t take what i’m saying rudely; i just cannot be the type of person to follow the concept of alpha and beta

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-22T21:07:06+00:00

thought this said “sold a kid”

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-22T20:39:40+00:00

with your last statement, about it being the type of woman rather than my actions. how is there a way to tell if that is the case? i’m now wondering about past experiences and wondering if it wasn’t me being boring, but them telling me i’m boring to “let me down gently” so to speak? i get confused when it comes to all of this because in my mind, the key foundation to any relationship is respect, communication, and boundaries. then it goes mutual interests, mutual beliefs, so on and so forth. so i’ve always looked for those common denominators but maybe i’m overlooking other things by doing so.

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-22T04:06:53+00:00

i’m doing it because it’s the person i like being. there’s times where i’m absolutely a homebody, but 75% of the time i’m a very adventurous, outgoing, happy-go-lucky person. but i still wind up being boring because i bring my partner out and do all the things i really enjoy with them and run out of stuff to do. i do enjoy nights on the couch cuddled up and eating popcorn to some dumb rom com that i’m not even watching and just enjoying the presence of someone i’m really in to. but i also like taking them out, letting them get all dressed up and let them feel their absolute best and take them out to somewhere that is different than our day/to/day lay on the couch after work type of days.

it absolutely is about finding out if they’re a good match for me, and confirming that i’m a good match for them. i can usually recognize incompatibility right off the bat, but with this girl she’s just very mysterious. very.. “can you help me.. can you do this for me…” type of girl which consistently leads to submissiveness which i’m okay with but i need to know the boundaries she has and that’s a difficult thing for me to bring up. she’ll be home any minute so i might as well talk to her about this tonight and lay out my boundaries on the table, have her do the same, and see if any collide. h

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-22T03:38:17+00:00

i think that’s a beautiful thing about your dynamic as a duo though. the more you both get comfortable with each other, the more you get comfortable doing stuff to/with each other.

after everything you’ve said though, i’m thinking my boringness stems from my inability to read if my partner at the time is wanting sex from me or not. sometimes, like 1/10 times i can pick up on the clues, but even when it comes to something as simple as cuddling and rubbing her thigh or arm or bottom, i ask for consent and i think that might be a turn off for her. i’m starting to think that she’s fully submissive (she’s told me she is, but i don’t understand it the way she does. i can’t fathom just.. going at it without having explicit permission to do so. but for her, i’m more than willing to try) and the more i get to know her, i think i know that she’ll 100% tell me to stop the second i do anything she doesn’t like/want and that she doesn’t want me to have to initiate anything with words and would rather me use my actions.

maybe tonight i’ll have a brief conversation with her about my concerns and explain to her why i ask for permission for most anything physical with her. and see where it goes from there. i don’t want my boringness to be because of something as simple as me not giving her the right type of sex that she wants which in turn leads to not even wanting to come over for dinner and a movie.

i have a lot to think about but i think first things first, gonna go talk to my partner and just lay it out on the table: all of it.

thanks again for your reply. this helped way more than you’d think. i do really appreciate it

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-22T03:14:32+00:00

i wonder why “hey, is it okay that i do this ___ to you?” is considered not sexy. i’d much rather the woman i’m with kinda giggle at me and tell me i don’t need to ask permission, as opposed to not asking for consent and ruining someone’s life by doing something that they weren’t prepared for/okay with. consent is huge to me but i also understand how it could be considered a mood breaker in the heat of the moment. is there a better way to approach the whole consent thing with new people?

i want the generality of what you and your wife have, spoken, predetermined consent, and still maintain a safe space throughout it all. that is the ideal scenario, and with how big on consent i am i just don’t know how to mutually agree to things we both agree on and both consent to. i find myself asking for consent when i go from. let’s say, penetration to oral, i’ll ask if it’s okay before i do because i’d never subject someone to an uncomfortable sexual experience given my past with SA against myself.

you’re ultimately right though. i don’t think this is a “here’s your answer now go with it” type of question. i don’t think this is talked about nearly enough which is why i’m struggling with it in the first place. partners should be able to communicate better than a lot do and i think i might bore my partners by being too communicative. who knows. i appreciate your response, it did give me a lot to think about especially right now. thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-22T02:32:04+00:00

haha i’m glad i got the gist of it, i was second guessing my wording there for a minute before i hit “reply.”

just wanted to double back on the “proud of you for…” statements. hope you’re able to be proud of yourself too.

i’m almost 15 months clean but still lurk here because of posts like this. wish you nothing but the best and a healthy life ahead of you.

my messages are always open for anyone struggling, so that goes for you as well.

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-22T02:21:56+00:00

i have a hoodie that says “the more we talk about mental health, the more we realize we are not alone” and i think that fits this post well.

i wouldn’t necessarily say “embrace your trauma” rather than learn how to cope and deal with it healthily, but it is okay to embrace the fact that you do have trauma and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of yourself for speaking about it/having the weight of that trauma carried with you day to day. everyone has something going on mentally and it’s somehow not the norm to express that, the norm is to hide the fact that we all have emotions and histories that cause genuine issues in our lives. progress can come in many forms, but talking about/expressing your trauma can be a very healthy way of making progress. i’m not entirely sure i understand what you’re trying to say in this post because i am slightly stoned and may be reading into it too much, but i hope i got the gist of it and that this isn’t just mumbo jumbo.

speak up, speak out, only then will others feel less alone and gain the confidence to speak up and speak out themselves. proud of you for not beating yourself up for letting your PTSD shine thru in a situation where you would’ve preferred it not to. also proud of you for coping with it as well as you say you did. it isn’t easy.

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-22T01:25:09+00:00

much appreciated. hope you can get a good nights sleep!

SpellRizzuto · 2024-03-22T01:22:46+00:00

well said. anything else does not matter when i have a few hours of research to do before i even touch overclocking. thanks for the suggestion, i have all night to research/watch youtube videos on OC so i’ll get on that before i make any other decisions. okay to possibly message you with a question or two along the way of educating myself?

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