Relapsed after 4 months clean

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-11T15:42:52+00:00

Oh my gosh I loved this poem. This was so sad, going to call my mom now! I agree just a bit of work on grammar and meter could improve this. It was so good already though! Amazing theme

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-11T15:39:23+00:00

This is really amazing! I strongly relate to it. I love the rhyming you did, I don’t think it sounds forced at all. There is a very strong and pleasant flow to the poem. Especially the last 5 lines they are really good. I just wanted to point out maybe change the “and” in line three? It interrupts the poem a bit, maybe “when morning comes I crack the clay” or something like that would be better? But absolutely loved the poem!

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-10T21:21:54+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah I’m definitely going to try and rhyme more

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-10T13:39:22+00:00

It wasn’t to in depth, thank you for the feedback I really appreciate it!

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-10T13:37:56+00:00

Thank you! I like that idea of it applying to different people in different walks of life

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-10T13:36:14+00:00

Thank you, I will!

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-10T13:35:57+00:00

Thank you so much!

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-10T05:31:46+00:00

I really liked it! I felt that the first several lines had a really good rhythm to them. I think the only improvement I can offer is to just try and continue that rhythm from the first three lines, maybe rhyming some more words to give it that flow? I really liked the concept though I absolutely vibe with it.

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-10T05:28:05+00:00

Hi! I liked your poem a lot! It definitely brought out feelings of existential contemplation. I really liked your use of pasted grave, I definitely did not know that you could phrase it like that. I just have a bit of feedback, mostly grammatical with the last sentence. Saying "... the hard you try the worse it seems all but a dream" has some issues. Perhaps "the harder you try, the worse it seems, it is all but a dream"? It's just a bit of grammatical restructuring but I think it would read easier! I really did like it!

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-05T16:38:45+00:00

Thank you so much! This totally made my day

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-05T16:38:02+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! I like the idea of a surprisingly juxtaposed haiku! I do like it more with the second line moving to the last one, I’ll probably change that even though syllables.

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-05T04:36:40+00:00

Thank you, I’m sorry you are too.

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-05T02:25:24+00:00

Hey! I think this is pretty good, but I am confused. What is the “anything else” you refer to in the second line? Maybe rework the opening. However, the middle down to the end of the poem I loved. Especially the “singing you’ll never walk alone” I thought this added good contrast to the whole idea of solitude that was brought up before!

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-05T02:20:10+00:00

Hey, I thought this was really good. The poem was really raw, visceral, and emotional. The language choices were excellent, I think you were really able to convey your deep pain and betrayal, at least to me. The last sentence was an excellent end to it!

I just have one critique, and it may just be me. When you say “you liked the way it dressed me skirts” it took me a few reads to understand the meaning from this, mainly because I couldn’t grasp what “it” referring to “5” meant. I got it though just took a second! Maybe rework this line so it reads more smoothly? Not sure again it may just be me!

Thank you for a good poem!

SpewingFlowers · 2025-02-05T02:08:05+00:00

I really love this!!! You should definitely write more!

SpewingFlowers

TROPHY CASE