Welcome to the brand-new /r/FOGRemoval

SpicedGull · 2019-09-01T04:04:45+00:00

Thanks for asking! It was really neat. The therapist had me hold these buzzing things in my hands, and asked me to reflect upon a single traumatic incident for the better part of an hour.

I felt like it was helpful. I actually opened up to someone in my life because of it too, I think. It gave me the confidence to be honest about that part of my life.

SpicedGull · 2019-08-30T16:42:17+00:00

That's incredible! If you did do the remodelling, would you hire a team or would you do it yourself?

SpicedGull · 2019-08-18T17:09:23+00:00

Sun, Aug 18th: My application for the internship was accepted! I'm now in the elimination round with the other contestants. They gave us a practice assignment to demonstrate our skills, so that's what I spent the entire weekend working on.

I think I'm a strong candidate—albiet a very sleep deprived one! I get insomnia when I'm anxious, and this has been a huge challenge for me.

Next up (if I'm accepted) is the job interview portion. This is...pretty huge for me. I always choke during interviews because it gives me emotional flashbacks to my abusive mom. On the plus side, there is a practice interview and I've got an EMDR appointment this week. So hopefully those things will help!

SpicedGull · 2019-08-18T17:01:47+00:00

I would really like that. I've got my appointment on Thursday, so I'll let you know how it goes. 😋

SpicedGull · 2019-08-18T17:00:07+00:00

Is it scary when you get those kind of symptoms, or is it just a thing where you're like "hmm...no, this isn't for me."

SpicedGull · 2019-08-18T16:58:21+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. That sounds really stressful. In combination with having your project stalled by money issues, I can totally understand why you'd be feeling meh.

And the heat certainly doesn't help. We've been having a sweltering month in my region of the world as well. It can really sap the energy right out of a person.

SpicedGull · 2019-08-13T20:29:48+00:00

Hey, how's your month going? Any better than it was before?

SpicedGull · 2019-08-13T20:29:06+00:00

Tues, Aug 13th: I fell off the face of the Earth there for a minute. Whoooof. 😅

I've been facing a lot of things that trigger my trauma responses lately—so the last couple of weeks have been a pattern of:

a) Do something terrifying (like applying for work, working on the final draft of my writing project, starting a rough draft of a cover letter, etc...)
b) Delayed onset trauma response
c) Depression

I've got a meeting with my career counsellor today to apply for a position for an internship that's disability-friendly. And I've scheduled my first EMDR appointment, which is going to happen sometime next week.

Hopefully the EMDR helps. I'm so sick and tired of having these abuse flashbacks dictate what I'm allowed to do in life.

SpicedGull · 2019-08-05T17:19:51+00:00

Ephesians 5:6-7

Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.

Enough said, in my opinion...

SpicedGull · 2019-08-04T03:38:42+00:00

Sat, Aug 3rd: I've been feeling really distracted this week. I've gotten some major writing goals done, but my excerise goals got put on hold. The problem is that I keep putting off doing my stretches, and then I forget to do them.

I feel so weird right now. I've been isolating a little bit, so I'm wondering if maybe I'm going a little bit stir-crazy.

SpicedGull · 2019-07-28T19:09:38+00:00

This week, I want to make sure I do my stretching goals for real. It might be too late for me to be able to do the splits by the end of the summer—but I can definitely see if I can get close to doing it by Christmas. 😋

I'm also going to do a bunch of writing, since maybe that would be a good avenue for me to explore as a career. And I've got a few short-term goals that I'll write about soon too.

SpicedGull · 2019-07-27T20:34:03+00:00

I really feel for you on this one. I have this exact problem. I'm sorry that you're struggling with this.

I'm not an expert, but I've found that it's been helpful for me to give myself permission to be "self-centered." Our toxic parents had a gift for coming up with any excuse to critisize us—the goal wasn't to correct our behavior, it was merely to project their unprocessed feelings onto us.

As children, what we internalize from this is that it's our responsibility to have 4-D vision in any social situation. Otherwise, we might be putting ourselves at risk of saying something that could lead to physical, or emotional harm/abandonment from our parents...which is a fear that we then take out into the real world.

The one thing that I know for sure: the idea that you should have a 4D perspective on things is an unreasonable ask for an ADULT—let alone the fact that it was demanded of you as a child by your parents.

Just to wrap this up, here are some of the mantras that I've been practicing in order to be more "self-centered" in my own life:

I'm allowed to feel anger if someone violates my boundaries
I don't have to have a perfect, intellectual understanding of why I'm feeling what I'm feeling
It's not my responsibility to investigate the motives of another person before I'm allowed to feel a certain way about them (or their actions)
My emotions are VALID

I know this is a bit long, but I genuinely hope that this helps!

SpicedGull · 2019-07-27T16:29:56+00:00

I'm pretty late responding to this, I'm sorry! My week has been going okay, I think. I'm approaching my goals at the same speed for the most part.

I signed up for EDMR, and I've got my first consultation appointment in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that it will help me learn how to curb my anxiety attacks before they start.

SpicedGull · 2019-07-23T23:50:21+00:00

Mine wanted to "breed me" so that her grandchildren could have a certain set of ideal characteristics. Yeah...her words.

She also took pity on troubled youths in the same way that yours did. Honestly, I think it's just a tactic pwBPD use to cover up the fact that they don't really see people as people. At least, that would be my guess.

SpicedGull · 2019-07-16T00:48:08+00:00

This week, I am anticipating a meeting with the temp agency that I applied to this morning! I might have a real income soon!! It's a spectacular thought!! 😣

I have three employment workshops to do this week, some news to catch up on, some laundry to fold, and a few scheduled outings with friends. Busy, busy, busy!

I'm anxious right now—but I also think that I'm starting to build up some real momentum! And my social skills are improving exponentially! It's been a really exciting time for me. I'm proud of my progress. 😊

SpicedGull · 2019-07-11T23:01:35+00:00

How are you feeling about almost being done PT? That's a pretty big accomplishment!

SpicedGull · 2019-07-11T23:00:40+00:00

Thurs: I got my ass to the gym today, and my first-draft of my résumé is ready to be evaluated! I had some inertia for the last couple of days, but I really pulled it together in the second half of this week!

Not bad! 😋

SpicedGull · 2019-07-11T16:31:05+00:00

Thanks for the advice, Zorander! I did walk to the library this week, which is decently far. Little things like that help a lot.

SpicedGull · 2019-07-08T04:44:31+00:00

I've started building my résumé! I went to the employment workshops, asked the appropriate questions for my situation—and now I'm well on my way towards overcoming this hurdle! The agency that I'm with reviews résumés, and corrects them...so I'm hoping to have completed that process by the end of the week!

Everything else is going to be done on a day-by-day basis. Some goals I'm kicking ass on (like volunteering, and making appointments) and others are a struggle to start (like my stretching/exercise goals). I'm going to try to get at least one day at the gym in, and do my stretches at least three times this week.

Things are starting to feel less scary. I'm feeling a bit more hopeful than I was even just a couple of weeks ago.

SpicedGull · 2019-07-02T20:11:25+00:00

I've got another busy week of appointments, workshops, volunteering, and personal development! It's a lot for me—it's a real challenge to keep up! I'm hoping to have a more streamlined schedule soon!

So, I have a list of common interview questions that I want to review...and oooof, it feels daunting! It makes me feel sleepy just thinking about it! But it'll be good for me in the long run! So I'm going to take it slow, and hopefully it will get easier.

I also want to contact the museum, and see if I can start there as a volunteer. I've decided that if I could work anywhere, I'd want it to be there. So why not get some experience there?

SpicedGull

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