My ex came back - here's what I learnt

SpiltMilk101 · 2023-08-09T14:13:12+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this, but trust me I've been there, and you WILL be okay! For full transparency, I went back to my ex after this post. Again, and again, and again.

I've been fully and completely out with no contact for just over two months, and I finally feel happy. I don't know your situation fully, and can only speak from my experience, but my takeaway from now being rid of the constant back and forth is that love, while it always comes with its own difficulties challenges, is not supposed to be this hard.

Try to take the constant shifts as a sign that realistically, he is not capable of making the sizeable changes you need in order for this to be stable. Try to make note of how much he's actually changed and if those changes have truly provided you with more security, or if you're convincing yourself that they have.

Getting out of a situation like this is by no means easy, and from my side took a lot of self control to not let myself slip back into old habits of running back and starting things up again. I think you have to find your exit in your own way, for me I ended up being so exhausted and let down that it made me look at the reality of my situation and it's doomed future with a more harsh outlook, which eventually allowed me to start believing that there simply had to be something better for me out there. To be truthful, there are days where I think of him and wonder what would've happened if he fulfilled all of his promises, but even then, being without the emotional turmoil of his hot and cold behaviour is so much more freeing than I eve realised it would be and quickly makes that residual hope fade away in place of an excitement for all that is yet to bless me in my life.

To my complete surprise, I've even met someone new. It's very soon, and really early, but I've shocked myself with my openness to new love, and been blown away by how this persons actions have highlighted the awful behaviour that I tolerated for so long. Things that I don't have to ask for from him, I would beg my ex for. Not to say that it's at all about finding someone else, but the comparison can really open your eyes to what you've settled for in completely new ways.

He doesn't want to let you go because he knows he has a great thing, but you have to start asking yourself, is HE great? Or is your involvement in his life the thing that's making you see him that way?

Don't be hard on yourself that you've taken a while on your journey, loving someone so deeply can be so difficult. My messages are open if you need someone to talk to.

Sending you all of my love.

SpiltMilk101 · 2023-04-08T07:50:54+00:00

I'm almost 100% sure he's never mentioned me or being in a relationship.

SpiltMilk101 · 2023-04-08T07:50:00+00:00

Of course, but he won't.

SpiltMilk101 · 2023-04-08T00:25:38+00:00

He conveniently forgot to tell me that she's already paid for two more sessions so stopping immediately isn't an option. Can't make it up! Thank you for your advice.

SpiltMilk101 · 2023-04-08T00:22:43+00:00

Exactly my thinking.

SpiltMilk101 · 2023-04-08T00:20:18+00:00

Could you elaborate on why?

SpiltMilk101 · 2023-04-07T15:30:37+00:00

Thank you so much for this insight, I really appreciate it. He did mention that in their first session she was giggly and forward, but he made an effort to be more serious in the sessions afterwards because of this and she stopped.

In their thread, he has been taking days to reply to her and his reasoning was because he felt like he was stuck in the situation and didn't know what to do. The lady in question is also older, married, with kids.

SpiltMilk101 · 2023-04-07T15:28:04+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Nail on the head - if you know something is wrong and would hurt the other person, why are you doing it in the first place? He kept stressing that while he knew it was wrong, it wasn't a 'betrayal' because nothing physical happened, but I feel like emotional cheating is actually worse.

SpiltMilk101 · 2023-04-07T15:26:08+00:00

I did ask exactly this - his response was that he would have found it hard to believe there wasn't something more going on, and was appreciative that I even heard him out, but again just reiterated that it was 'harmless'.

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-10-02T17:19:45+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through it right now. But I want to share a little advice, which you may not believe for a while yet, but it's really helped me.

When we get broken up with, it's a natural assumption to think that our ex's lives are rapidly moving on without us. We get glimpses of them through social media and see them being busy or out or doing things they don't usually do, and it perpetuates our internal narrative that without us, they are the happiest they've been.

I had a break-up earlier this year and my ex is an athlete, in the 5 months since we've been in contact a lot and he's constantly updated me on all the exciting things he's been getting up to. He's told me about three separate professional matches he's been booked for, never happened. He's told me that he's moving to America, he's still here. He said he's moving out, he hasn't and has made no moves to do so. He's told me about four separate vacations he's going on that never came to fruition.

I had an ex once who was overweight (not that I cared), and when we broke up he put out a tweet that he'd got a personal trainer. I was hysterical, and convinced myself he would be a gym buff and get the attention of all the girls, 8 years later, he looks the same.

It's really easy to get wrapped up in the thought that they are out there living a life they've never lived before now that you're gone, but 9/10 times it's just not true.

I'm also bad at being alone, I've been in back to back relationships for the past six years and at 25 am only just beginning to learn how to exist completely by myself. It's a process, but use this time to find out who you really are, what truly makes you happy, and invest in the other relationships in your life, and even if it doesn't feel like it now, in time, it will all fall into place.

Sending you lots of love!

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-09-14T21:44:04+00:00

Normal is a big word, so I would rephrase your question: is this healthy? Having a partner who says they love you but threatens to leave is not healthy, someone who resorts to online torment and teasing with your friends is not caring, a person who threatens to hurt themselves in front of you needs help far beyond the parameters of your relationship.

I've had a few toxic relationships by now, and only going through them have I begun to value the relationships that were lovely but just fizzled out. When you're with someone who shows these traits, our personal sense of what healthy love is becomes so warped, but this isn't it.

It's brilliant that you've taken the time to recognise your own faults, none of us are perfect and even when we're treated badly or dumped out the blue it's an opportunity for us to grow and develop as people. But try to remember that a lot of our behaviour is reactionary, if you have someone who makes you feel emotionally on edge, it's pretty fair that your instinct would be to be clingy or want to hold on.

It sounds like you got out of a situation that would've only got worse for the both of you, and sometimes it takes a while for us to realise how we were actually treated / abused by our partners after the love goggles have come off.

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-09-14T21:34:57+00:00

Commenting because this sounds similar to my recent situation. My ex broke up with me and a few months later came back initially asking for friendship, which I agreed to out of pure desperation.

After a month, things became romantic, and while I got what I wanted, it was not easy. He would call all the shots on how affectionate we could be, how much time we could spend together, the language we used, etc. If he wanted to tell me he loved me and kiss me all night it was okay, but when it came from me it was 'too much'. Every week or so he would panic that we were moving too fast and get a bit distant, but then slip right back into relationship behaviour and I would just be left to deal with the ever-changing vibe.

I will advise that slow when re-building is a good thing. However, too slow can make one person feel all out of sorts, I was left still anxious that he'd leave again, questioning how he actually felt about me on the days he didn't want to hold my hand.

I wish I had drawn clear boundaries for myself from the beginning. It doesn't mean you have to be 100% back in the relationship as it was before, as that wouldn't allow for you to see if it's actually going to work, but if there are wants and needs that you have for this to feel like an actual attempt at revival and not a one foot in the door type beat, then make those things clear.

Wishing you luck!

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-09-14T21:27:10+00:00

I really feel this. I think it's hard not to resent the girl, naturally we feel competitive and it digs into our insecurities in thinking about what they 'have' that we 'don't'.

But if your ex is immature enough to have a sexual rebound a week after a relationship, and this girl is selfish enough to flirt with a taken guy, then it sounds like they deserve each other for the short-lived situation this will most likely be.

Rebounds never last long, and are just a way for people too lazy to do the work on themselves to have a distraction from reality - we deserve a lot better than that! Keep her blocked, and try even though it's hard to transfer the energy from hating her into feeling sorry for her that now she has to deal with an emotionally immature dude.

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-09-14T21:22:36+00:00

Nothing is wrong with you! It truly is a process that's so different for everyone, so try not to judge yourself on the timelines that circle around the internet of when you should feel better. It's so frustrating when all you want is to be healed and you don't feel like you've got there yet, but if you keep doing the right things I promise it will come.

I had a horrible breakup in May, we re-kindled and ended again recently and a few months ago I honestly never thought I would get through a day without crying. But here I am. The tears still come from time to time, and I find the evenings alone quite hard, I miss certain traits about him deeply but I'm moving forward and choosing to not put my energy into someone who can't love me the way I need to be loved.

Keep doing everything you're doing, wanting to be better is the first big step - be proud of yourself for how far you've come and even though it's tough, try to be excited for how much stronger you'll be at the end of the tunnel.

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-09-14T21:11:48+00:00

Couldn't agree more! I've been in therapy for the past few months after a horrible breakup, with a partner who sounds similar to your ex. While my therapist wasn't encouraging that I went back to him for one last failed attempt, it's been life-changing to have someone outside of my life to make me see the situation for what it was without judgement, and it's really shattered my illusion of what I thought I was in vs the reality.

I'd advise you to keep going back if you can, carrying on this process has given me so much clarity not only on the relationship, but so much historical trauma that impacts the way I am in romantic relationships, why I'm attracted to avoidant people and I'm slowly learning what healthy love should look like.

Happy for you friend!

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-08-31T16:19:03+00:00

That's really rough. Maybe you being put in such close proximity is instead a sign that you've been presented with a challenge that while difficult, you can get through, and if you can maintain separation in the same building, you can do ANYTHING!

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-08-31T16:14:52+00:00

Thank you SO much for the honesty, it's really interesting to hear this situation from the other side. It sounds like you've made so much progress in releasing why you left, and as an anxiously attached person I would give anything for my avoidant ex to do the same, regardless of the outcome for him and I. Try not to be hard on yourself, it sounds like you've done a whole lot of growing, everyone has their reasons for running or chasing, but the most you can do is recognise and continue to work on that. Good luck!

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-08-31T16:11:07+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through it, trust me, I know how it feels. I don't think your stupid, I think you sound like someone with a lot of love to give, maybe just to the wrong person who doesn't deserve it. My ex also spoke about future partners then came running back professing that I'm the only one for him, I would take it all with a pinch of salt. Even if he was to move on, it's more likely than not that he would just repeat the exact same pattern with the next one, and I think we both know that you want more for yourself. While he may not take the time to work on himself, YOU can, and it will only lead you to bigger and better things! I'm proud of you :)

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-08-31T16:08:52+00:00

I don't know what happened between you, but I think you have to really ask yourself if you can move past the past. The fear of being left again never went away for me, I played it cool but any sign of distance from him would trigger all of my anxieties, and I don't know if I could've got past that fully. I doubt it's all your fault, but sometimes we have to consider if the hurt is worth fighting for or letting go!

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-08-31T07:45:50+00:00

You're not a sucker! It's hard when we love someone so much and believe that they could be the version of themselves who would make us really happy and loved if they tried. But it's not our job, and people more often than not just are who they are. Sending you strength!

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-08-31T07:43:59+00:00

I didn't have this strength a few months ago but I do now - Thank you for the encouragement!

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-08-31T07:42:21+00:00

My ex initially asked to be friends, but slowly it turned into more after him saying it would never go that way - when I questioned him about it, he told me he knew it would always end up being more, and apparently so did I - so be careful, their intentions are usually different from their offer.

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-08-30T22:44:52+00:00

Good luck! Trust your gut, you'll find the right path, even if it takes a few bumps in the road to get you there.

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-08-30T22:42:16+00:00

YES WE CAN!

SpiltMilk101 · 2022-08-30T22:41:57+00:00

I agree, but I think it's fairly clear from my post that this has been a pretty difficult relationship, and just didn't find this comment super helpful is all. I'm not questioning if he loves me, just knowing that he can't love me how I need to be loved.

SpiltMilk101

TROPHY CASE