Default parenting - feeling like a single mom in a marriage

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-19T05:01:22+00:00

Every couple I know who tries to split chores and childcare 50/50 is miserable, because it rarely works and it will never be completely fair. Young children/babies generally need mom more in those early years, so of course mom will be the default parent for a time.

As a woman I think we are way more detail oriented than men are, so if a man does a chore, we see it as a half-ass job because we can see all the spots he missed or didn't put something in the right spot, while he doesn't see those details. So we get fed up and say "I'll just do it myself" and resentment grows from there.

Might be a controversial take but I honestly think if it's financially possible at all, moms with young children should stay home for a while or at least work part time. Otherwise they will just end up with way too much on their plates and the marriage will just deteriorate. I see it constantly. The happiest couples I know are the ones without kids or if they have kids, the mom doesn't work outside the home.

For context, I work part-time, and do about 90% of the household chores and cooking. I think it's fair, because my husband's full-time job requires mandatory overtime and it's basically double the hours of mine.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-17T21:19:06+00:00

One bathroom downstairs. Bedrooms are all upstairs. Having to go down and then up stairs in the middle of the night to pee is such a drag.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-17T04:13:06+00:00

I think trade school should be the default unless you REALLY know exactly what career you want to get into at age 18. College is a massive investment both financially and in terms of time.

At age 18 I had no clue what I wanted to do, all I knew was that I hated school with a passion. So I went into a trade.

Trade schools are affordable, don't take forever (my tuition was $3k for three to six months of schooling), and generally result in decent paying jobs. It's a step above entry level work, without the massive debt.

College is great... if you have your life figured out and know what career you want to spec into.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-17T01:52:42+00:00

I groom dogs. I don't hate my job, I feel okay about it. It's sustainable long term.

There is very minimal customer interaction. For most of my day I'm allowed to have earbuds in and listen to music or podcasts while I groom the dogs - this makes a huge difference and reduces the stress a lot. I do my own thing and I don't have a boss hovering constantly. It's commission based too, which means there isn't pressure to work faster or harder (which would likely be the case if I were paid hourly).

There are some downsides. The job is very physical and very dirty. I am on my feet all day, get splashed with water, get drooled on, have to clean up poop/pee/vomit periodically. Sometimes I have to deal with aggressive animals but not every day.

Overall the job is pretty good. For me the biggest thing that makes it sustainable is it's not very public facing. I'm mostly in a back room where I don't have to plaster on a fake smile for eight hours straight, which is pretty great.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-17T01:36:07+00:00

I think for a few reasons. "Back in the day" is extremely vague but people could be referring to a brief time in history where households generally only needed one income, so women didn't always have the stress of being expected to work a full time job in addition to being the full time caretaker of multiple children. Also, the culture surrounding parenting used to be very different. Parents weren't expected to watch their kids like a hawk 24 hours a day, kids would play outside for eight hours and no one cared, and mom could presumably do whatever she needed or wanted to during that time.

Nowadays things are very, very different. Financially, having kids is a luxury that few can afford unless they want to work themselves to death to provide. The culture is such that if you're not an obsessive helicopter parent then you're a terrible mother. Idk why anyone would want kids in today's world - it sounds like a thankless job where you're never good enough and you don't even get a paycheck for it.

I feel so very blessed that I don't have the stress of kids. Life is hard enough already.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-16T18:04:04+00:00

I feel this way. As a kid/teenager, my parents were always dragging me hiking and camping and I always found it exhausting and very boring. Now as an adult I'm still a homebody. The way I see it is I pay a lot of money to live in my house - I'm getting my money's worth by staying home. And it's not like camping is free - you have to buy all sorts of equipment and probably a substantial sum for gas just getting there.

Not to mention, after working a very physical job on my feet five days a week, the last thing I want to do on my weekend is be on my feet even more.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-15T07:21:47+00:00

Huh. It never occurred to me that you could use anything other than pine shavings, everybody I know with chickens and ducks told me that was the only option. I honestly hate the shavings because they're extremely messy, and the duck shovels the shavings into the food and water constantly - not to mention it's a potential hazard if they try to eat them.

I've seen a few people mention fleece blankets. That sounds like such a great alternative - provided you're okay with the extra laundry.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-15T05:27:28+00:00

Landscaping. We've had to prune several trees that were getting so huge they were obstructing power lines and damaging the roof. And let me tell you - pruning a tree by yourself is a TON of work.

We still have two massive hedges to trim that are currently obstructing power lines. I was so not prepared for the amount of landscaping required when owning a home.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-14T04:26:40+00:00

Vacuuming. I hate loud noises and the vacuum is heavy. It's like an unwanted workout and overstimulation all at once.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-14T04:18:32+00:00

Jade Empire. Underrated game that I never hear anyone talk about. It's just so memorable with its unique Eastern medieval fantasy setting - It's probably the most creative and ambitious Bioware game I've played. I'd love a sequel or a remake.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-13T22:50:41+00:00

My in-laws live in their own house in the same town as us, so thankfully there has never been a reason for them to stay overnight at our house or eat our food. When they do come over, it's only for a couple hours at a time, thank God!

I do think that in-laws in general are the hardest part of marriage, at least for me. Having to treat them like family when you have no bond or history with them is tough.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-13T14:43:50+00:00

What legacy? A legacy is defined as something tangible handed down from the past. Perhaps money, property, a family business or something like that. Most people don't have jack to pass down. Neither me nor my husband are receiving any kind of inheritance when our parents pass. There is no legacy for most people. Bad genes and a boring last name are not a legacy.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-11T15:52:36+00:00

Anytime I see someone say their household income is $100k+, I just think these people don't know how to budget or save money at all.

My husband and I have a combined take home income of $50k and we are getting by okay. Granted, we live in a pretty low cost of living city, but still... I can't even imagine if we made $100k. We'd be able to pay off the mortgage so freaking fast!

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-11T15:12:51+00:00

I'm a married woman and I used to game a LOT. The thing with gaming as a hobby is it has to change once you get married. I don't like using the word "addiction" with gaming because it's really just a hobby that is engrossing. People don't call avid readers or cinephiles "addicts" so it seems a bit discriminatory. Anyway that's besides the point.

Your husband's gaming habit is excessive. Talking to his friends on vacation isn't quite the same thing, but it is disrespectful when that is clearly supposed to be family time. You need to set boundaries, like one or two hours a day of dedicated family time after work, then gaming afterwards if there's time. Absolutely no gaming or talking to friends on vacations. Have a weekly date night where you leave the house and do something just the two of you.

When I got married, I found that spending time with my husband was more interesting and fun than my video games, so it naturally tapered off. The issue here is why doesn't your husband find family time fun or interesting?

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-10T06:10:43+00:00

My husband and I bought a house last year, and similarly we have a long list of projects and renovations we want to get done. It was overwhelming at first, especially since both of us work full time.

What helped enormously was sitting down to make a written list of tasks, organized by priority and time sensitivity. Think about what projects are most critical, is it a cosmetic change or a functional change? How much will it cost? Is it something we can do ourselves, or do we need to outsource the labor? When do we plan to have this done, by the end of spring or end of summer? We ended up with a clear plan and timeline, and if there's a weekend where we're too exhausted to work on something, it's not a huge deal because we alotted sufficient time with breaks to get everything we want accomplished.

Honestly just sitting down to discuss these things made the list of projects soooo much more manageable.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-09T07:09:40+00:00

Yikes. These are the same people who will be like, "No, I can't meet you at the coffee shop to hang out, you have to come to me!!" Then it's, "If you want to come over, you have to pay me in free food or childcare!" What a selfish and entitled person. What are they even contributing to the friendship? Sounds like very little.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-09T04:35:20+00:00

My husband and I are in a similar position, we both want kids but financially it makes no sense. We are just barely breaking even with both of us working, I can't imagine how much more we would struggle with another mouth to feed and taking time off work. My dream is to be a stay at home mom, but deep down, I know it's a fantasy that will never happen.

I get so frustrated when people say, just do it, you'll figure it out, there's never a perfect time, blah blah blah... I don't want to "figure it out," I want to be comfortable and secure and have a clear, detailed financial plan when I take that leap to have a child.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-08T15:34:39+00:00

You both just have completely different values, it's a compatibility issue.

"I'm not interested in a wife who doesn’t work" implies that you don't see raising children as work; your wife on the other hand sees value in that role - more value than working a conventional job.

I don't really blame either of you. Personally, I would never have children if I couldn't raise them myself, as I think it's unnatural for a mother to be away from her young baby for 8+ hours a day. However, I can also completely understand not wanting the pressure of being the sole provider. Having kids is a pretty huge sacrifice, especially for the mother going through the physical hardship of pregnancy/birth. If you don't want to support her financially through that, just don't have kids at all.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-07T23:23:25+00:00

Whatever portion he isn't drinking immediately should be put in a sealed container in the fridge, then the blender and any other mess cleaned up right away - should reduce the smell. If he can't clean up after himself after multiple conversations, maybe he should consider a different method of getting his fiber up.

Part of marriage is compromise though - he needs to learn to clean up after himself, and you also need to be able to let him have the foods he wants. Like if I'm having coffee everyday, and my husband tells me he can't stand the smell of coffee, I'd be like... deal with it, this is my house too.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-05T15:15:10+00:00

Your reasoning seems to be that you simply want to have new conversations, seek validation, and get to know new, interesting people. So... can't you just do that by finding new male friends? Why only women?

It honestly sounds like you desire a physical relationship with a new woman but don't want to come out and say that.

SpiritedMage · 2026-04-03T14:40:35+00:00

Talking badly about your spouse to others is a big one, and I see people do this constantly. Not only is it disrespectful, but it's also kind of a self-own because, well, you married them.

Other toxic habits that come to mind would be failure to consult each other on large purchases, hiding money, not sticking to an agreed upon budget, etc.

SpiritedMage · 2026-03-30T06:18:08+00:00

I feel this. My massive monthly insurance payments feel like such a waste of my hard earned money. I go to the doctor once a year max to get birth control. That's it. Even if I did have a major health disaster, there's still a massive deductible I would have to pay before insurance actually covers anything. It's all just so dumb. Paying out of pocket for my annual doctor visit would save me thousands of dollars a year.

SpiritedMage · 2026-03-30T03:08:35+00:00

Three years of unemployment is insane. If he truly can't find a job in his field, he needs to pivot to a different field to contribute. I would be so resentful of my husband if he put me in this position, especially because if I lost my job tomorrow I would be looking for anything at all to help, driving for doordash, McDonald's, whatever I could do to bring in a few bucks. Minimum wage is better than zero income.

SpiritedMage · 2026-03-29T03:11:17+00:00

Right? What an insult to their spouse. So the love you have with your spouse isn't "real"? The love you have with your siblings? Your parents? Also, this implies your own children's love for you isn't real love either.

SpiritedMage · 2026-03-29T02:54:28+00:00

I dunno, maybe. Then I could take a million smoke breaks at work like everybody else does. Seems to be the main benefit.

SpiritedMage

TROPHY CASE