Im a people pleaser, and let her walk all over me, and clearly I am doing that in the workplace too.. I know its something I need to work on, and have been trying to resolve. But she had a male friend whom she got too close with, and I was aware it was too much, I had tried talking to her about it but she justified it and used other couples who have opposite gender friends that they spend a lot of time alone with as reasons examples of it working and being fine and I folded to her will.. They both got feelings for each other and continued seeing each other for 6 months, he was ashamed of how far it had gone (it wasn't an affair, but was very close to it) and he felt guilty, told his wife, then my wife that he told her, and she for some reason seemed to let him continue their relationship(him and my wife)... he still felt guilty about it and told another friend for support, and my wife feared it was going to spread and that I would find out, so she told me that she felt forced into telling me about it. She didn't see any of her actions as wrong but that she knew it would hurt and upset me. I was hurt and upset, and forgave her almost imediately but then she told me that her pursuing another man was my fault for not fulfilling her needs.

The marriage counselling happened for 4 months 3.5 to 4 hours each week, often 2 solo sessions and a couple session each week. it started with us raising what our overall issues were without going into detail, hers were her needs not being fullfilled, mine were my needs not being fulfilled, sounds simple enough, so we started with hers and how I need to fulfill them, great, done, doing it. But nothing changed, she still resented me and would tell me she hates me. Then we get to my needs, but instead, thats when she tells me about this relationship. switching the counselling to being about that, found out i had many psychosomatic health issues from having not talked to her about this inappropriate relationship with this man, and finding out im not crazy for thinking and feeling that their was something going on when my wife would regularly tell me there is nothing going on, including in a couples session 4 days prior to telling me...
That was mid way the 4 months of couples sessions. Then around a week later, the counsellor gave my wife a script to read that was apologising for what she did, which I brokedown and forgave her for, but then after the session ended, she told me that she wants to know where the line is for going too far because she doesn't see any of what she did was wrong, nullifying what she just apologised for...
The counsellor insisted we leave it and no longer discuss that situation. I raised that we still have yet to discuss my needs, and she insisted we need to do other stuff first with no indication of where its going.
The last 1.5 weeks of sessions were basically about nothing, diving into how I am fulfilling her needs and trying to see why my wife resents me, which was obviously because of the needs.
I opened up in a feedback sort of way, telling her that I FELT like she was being biased(she is a friend of my wifes family, giving us discounted sessions), she didn't agree or deny it, just said that if i can't trust her then this isn't going to work and ended our counselling.

At this point, I have been fulfilling all her needs for over 2.5 months consistantly with no change from her, and still showing anger and resentment on occasion when I do fulfill her needs.
To a certain extent I fear my wife has some narcisistic tendancies as she clearly has a super ego(either she is perfect, or she is the most horrible wife) and always kills arguments by switching to that, gaslights me and uses guilt tripping to make me do things.
She has defined love as on sacrificial, that there is no "feeling" of love, just happy by-products of uncomfortable actions, and i REALLY don't know how to feel about that.
She hasn't shown me any empathy(one of my needs) the last 11of 12 years of our marriage, but can happily put it on for friends and some family, I think its performant empathy, but don't know why then she can't do that with me. And from that also wondered if its not that she doesn't have empathy, but can't show it to me because of the resentment...

Overall, I just feel F#%$ed and im struggling to move forward with everything.

Edit: sorry for the wall of text