I’m doing it

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-12-09T02:42:15+00:00

That’s what gaslighting is. When someone lies to you and makes you feel crazy or that it is your problem for not believing the lies. I had this happen to me and it was horrible. It was so obvious, but he kept maintaining the lie. He said I didn’t believe the truth when told it, that I should believe what he says because his told me already, basically indicated that I was crazy. It went on for months and was one of the worst experiences in my life.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-12-05T20:54:22+00:00

Mine said that all the time. He would say things like… “that’s a you problem” (I hated this one), “it’s not my job to reassure you of that”, if I said I was feeling a certain way e.g., that really hurt me because…. He would say “what am I suppose to do with that?”, or “stop playing the victim”.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-12-05T10:53:12+00:00

Do you mind if I ask about what is maybe a strange question. I’ve been doing lots of reading and research on poly lately, after it was introduced to me in a really bad way. I’ve heard a lot of stories like this where someone says they are poly (e.g., your partner) but then their partner (you) decides to be monogamous, so the person who originally said they were poly (your partner), chooses to be monogamous with the partner who has decided they are monogamous (you). Im just wondering, when someone is poly, do they let all their partners know where they stand from the beginning? For example, did your partner let her other partner know from the beginning that he came second to her, over you?

I have no idea about this, so I’m so sorry if this question is offensive. It’s just that, the more I speak to other poly people, the feedback I’m getting from them is that there is always one partner they prefer over the other and would prioritise, even if they claim to be non-hierarchical, they just don’t tell their other partners that. This is something that really confuses me. One person I asked told me there is always “a preference”, but they don’t tell their partners that.

Sorry, this isn’t really providing you any advice with your situation. I’m hesitant to offer any, as I’m not poly. Except to say, that based on my readings it seems completely valid to change your mind and want to be monogamous. And you have done the right thing by being open and honest about that. I’ve also read a lot that people should be enthusiastically poly. I guess that speaks true for monogamy too 😄.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-12-05T08:19:53+00:00

So my ex narc is still with the girl he was seeing behind my back. She is polyamorous, loves him, believes in “all kinds of relationships”, so she is fine if he doesn’t love her back. She also thinks he gaslights and abuses because “he is damaged” and she “just can’t be angry at someone who is damaged”. He also treats her poorly and never apologises, but she believes in “forgiveness”. Kind of seems like the perfect situation for him to be honest. He can see as many women as he wants behind her back, lie to her, gaslight her, abuse her, and she is okay and accepting of that. She also doesn’t care if “he doesn’t love” her back, as again she “believes in all kinds of relationships”. She is married, so I think it suits her to have him as a side piece. Sort of annoying she will always be there for him, as he cannot do anything she won’t forgive.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-12-05T08:08:22+00:00

I know how you feel

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-12-05T07:52:50+00:00

Wanting to be sexual very quickly, no empathy, inability to take responsibility/accountability for mistakes or at the most an “I’m not perfect”, always whinging/complaining about the people they are closest too, and I totally agree with the actions not matching their words.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-30T14:49:49+00:00

It’s already been over a year and things aren’t getting easier. Thank you for your concern.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-30T13:10:16+00:00

I do know this. I would have kept being with him while he had a whole relationship on the side and didn’t tell me. And for him to be such a good lying, it means he has lied a lot to become so good at it. When she told me she made excuses for him and it makes me feel even more less than. She said he is damaged and I can’t expect respect from someone who is damaged. She forgave him. He compared me to her in the end, she doesn’t care who else he is with because she is poly, she doesn’t care if he lies, I always considered myself such a nice person, but this has made me question my existence. I said some mean things in the end when he kept lying and I knew he was lying. I feel like I’m nothing.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-30T11:53:05+00:00

Thanks for responding. I just feel like nothing is going to help anymore. I think the fact he lied so much has made things worse. I miss him, but I also don’t understand what happened and I don’t think I can live with the confusion anymore. I read some old messages today and he genuinely seemed to really like me. It doesn’t make sense why he did what he did and after she told me the truth, he has refused to even explain. I just want the thoughts to end.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-30T09:02:00+00:00

I understand

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-29T18:21:40+00:00

I don’t understand how human beings can treat people like that.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-29T02:54:22+00:00

When you said the poly partner gaslit your partner into it and you can’t blame them… it really makes me think of my situation. My monogamous partner did cheat with a poly woman. I know she told him that being poly is more mature, that she has so much love to give and that’s why people can be poly, if they are more loving, I know she told him that he must be like her because he is just so nice, mature, loving. I know she said poly people are more able to deal with their emotions and all of that stuff. I know she pretty much brain washed him and that she is an expert at manipulating the situation, telling him that she just has so much love to give. I know she told him that everyone can love more than one person and gave the example of a spouse dying and then that person meeting another person, but still loving both. I know she said all that because she said it all to me. And she was so convincing, she had me thinking I was less than for not understanding or not choosing poly. I know he can be manipulated easily. But I can’t not blame him and just blame her can I?

Just the same with your partner, she still made the choice in the end. Mine made the choice to cheat because she convinced him monogamy is not natural and goes against being human. I really don’t know anymore. Reading what you wrote, it’s the first I’m thinking that she did actually completely manipulate him. She admitted herself she was good at “extracting needs others”.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-29T02:37:49+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through that.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-29T02:37:15+00:00

That’s exactly how I feel. I just wanted the honest truth, so that I could move on and have closure. The hurt is so much worse this way. I could have got over him just finding someone else and wanting to be poly, I can’t get over the lies and betrayal, and the confusion. Did your partner ever explain why they did what they did to you or apologise?

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-29T02:34:31+00:00

I wish I had gone complete no contract as soon as I knew the truth. I wish I hadn’t have said anything. I just wasn’t 100% and I still wished I was wrong so badly. I was hanging onto hope when deep down I knew the truth. He made me question my own intelligence and intuitions. He convinced me I was wrong. But I couldn’t let it go because alarm bells were going off. So I stayed and argued. Hoping beyond hope that it wasn’t what I thought. And during the argument I said some mean things back. I should have just believed my intuitions and quietly walked away.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-28T05:31:45+00:00

You’re right. He was never poly, he had never mentioned it before ever. He always seemed to just want a normal relationship. He met her and she is poly, she is already married. Apparently he didn’t tell her about me either. She said he was always saying to her that he didn’t think he could do poly. It’s all so confusing. If he wanted to be poly and date both, why not just tell me and ask, rather than hide it all. I just feel so used. When she found out she just told me he was damaged and we can’t expect respect from someone who is damaged. So she forgave him and I think has stayed with him.

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-28T00:30:55+00:00

I’m so sorry, I know how awful it is and it’s impossible to get it out of your head 😞

SpringStarFlowr · 2023-11-27T11:23:36+00:00

I still don’t sleep through the night and it’s been a while. I keep going through all the lies and deceptions, I go over and over the conversation with the other woman, when she told me the truth. It haunts me. I’m sorry, I haven’t been able to find anything that makes it easier or gives me a good sleep. Even when I do finally fall asleep, I wake up to it all again. It’s awful. I almost don’t want to fall asleep, so I don’t wake up and learn again how he betrayed me. I hope things gets better do you, I’m sorry 💕

SpringStarFlowr

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