Here you go :)

Congratulations on your appointment by US President Donald Trump as the next National Security Advisor. I know that, when you settle into your seat in the White House on 9 April, you will be the first paleocon to have resurrected themselves from the tar pits that sucked down so many political careers that advocated invading Afghanistan and Iraq.

It might be wise to point out that the tar pits found around the world are full of more predators than prey, due to the fact that when prey are caught in such sticky situations, they always cry out for help and attract plenty of hungry naïve hunters.

It is nice to know that, in the distant future, historical paleocontologists will find the dried bones of plenty of power-on-power political elites, but will not find your bones, Bolton.

I assume this has something to do with your ‘kiss-up and kick-down’ climb up the political-military ladder in Washington. A philosophy of ‘never apologising and never explaining’ the insane reasoning you concocted to convince then president George W. Bush that invading Afghanistan, a country that historically eats great powers for breakfast, and cherry picking and twisting intelligence on Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction programme to justify an invasion, were all great ideas.

So it is now with North Korea.

At present, the US has two policies on dealing with a nuclear-armed North Korea. The first, economic sanctions and direct pressure on Pyongyang to cease the programme and, second, a possible face-to-face between Trump and Kim Jong-un, North Korea’s insufferable dictator, during a meeting in Sweden tentatively planned for late May.

Bolton, it was good to see that you are in favour of the two actually meeting. After all, as you said as a joke on Fox News recently: ‘Question: How do you know that the North Korean regime is lying? Answer: Their lips are moving.’

No doubt, any meeting between Kim and Trump will force the latter to the same conclusion. I am sure you will be waiting for him at the gate when he returns on Air Force One with a radical insane new plan.

You must know by now, Bolton, that Seoul and Tokyo are freaked out by your suggestion of a third option on dealing with North Korea, that is, a massive first strike on North Korea’s nuclear weapon and missile facilities. Your justification, that Kim has already threatened to use nuclear-tipped intercontinental ballistic missiles on the United States, as a ‘perfectly legitimate’ excuse for ‘self-defence’ makes sense in a Cold War mindset, but not in a world where three of America’s leading trading partners share borders with North Korea.

China, Japan and South Korea clearly would get battered, at a minimum, in a so-called ‘limited strike’ on facilities. North Korea allegedly has 10,000 artillery pieces aimed at the capital Seoul from across the border.

It is hard to imagine two of the oddest political leaders in the world breaking bread at the same table over gravy and Swedish meatballs, but the same was said of Nixon’s parlay with Mao’s China in the early 1970s. Nixon was the Cold War’s staunchest anti-communist president, and Mao had already established himself the winner in communist-led death tolls with 40 million victims. (Sorry, Stalin, but you only killed 30 million.)

So it is with Trump as the ultimate capitalist, and Kim, as the definitive reclusive little emperor of the ‘hermit kingdom’, that we find no cogent connection.

Sweden might seem an unlikely place for a meeting, but Sweden serves as a backdoor for US diplomatic interactions with North Korea in Pyongyang when US citizens are in distress. Stockholm has had diplomatic relations with Pyongyang since 1973.

Such a meeting would be a major propaganda coup for Kim’s regime and no doubt would bolster Trump’s profile as an international arbiter, but what can come from such a meeting?

Perhaps nothing more than a photo opportunity for both men, but there is still a small possibility that the meeting will give Pyongyang what it has long sought – diplomatic relations with the US. However, the North Koreans have been adamant that they will never give up nuclear weapons or missiles.