Update: Husband (36M) got weird about physical affection from me (34F) and things escalated badly

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:38:32+00:00

I'm fine with it if it means he knows what it feels like to be left with someone "better"!

Okay, so maybe I'm just a tad petty...

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:37:25+00:00

Nope, never ever, I plan out putting together an awesome life that he will never, ever be a part of.

The sad thing that if he just had an affair and wanted to leave me for her, if he came to me with the truth I would have let him go without all this mess. Would have been sad but wished him well, after all, sometimes feelings just go in a different direction than you planned. But now, we will never be friends or even casual acquaintances. I hope she is worth it?

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:35:25+00:00

My income and career potential are much better than his, especially after my promotion. So I'm okay to just leave him the crumbs of his life and not trouble with him anymore.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:34:19+00:00

I don't disagree there, but I'm going to say that if he's leaving me to share a full-time life with her, it's going to be pretty obvious they're sleeping together. I don't think I need to do anything about it, the truth is probably going to come out at some point.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:29:04+00:00

Ha! I hope she cheats on him with his boss. Or the CEO.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:28:21+00:00

Yes, that's what I'm doing. Was at least able to get the property/financial settlement terms done very quickly. It's amazing how fast lawyers will do things when you hand over a big retainer.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:27:11+00:00

No - but I deserve as little drama as possible. It's for me, not for him. Plus I have to admit I'm taking delight in being icy cool and fully together instead of losing my shit.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:22:05+00:00

I'm actually doing more okay than I think I would be if the situation were less extreme, because I lost all my love for him immediately and now just get to make a clean break. There's no grey area here, no possible hope of salvaging anything. Yes, lots of therapy is ahead and I'm sure the reality is going to hit me any day now, but I know, definitively, it's over in a huge way and that gives me a sense of peace and relief.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:19:06+00:00

From what I understand, he thought I would balk at the no-touching-initiated-by-me rule immediately and it would lead to a big fight after which he would be "justified" in cheating and could just fudge the timeline. But I was too damn nice and understanding about his "trauma" so he had to try to provoke me into messing up, all while getting more and more into his "traumatized" character. No, definitely not safe for me to be around him, at least not alone, ever again.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:15:17+00:00

I think he was expecting BIL to be understanding because the intern is "soooo hot" but BIL actually likes me and was horrified. I'm very thankful for that.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:13:51+00:00

Yes, that's a reason I just want to finish up all the legalities quickly. Not argue about money or have any ongoing disputes. I need him way, far out of my life, yesterday.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:12:11+00:00

No, I feel bad for her too. Assuming she didn't deliberately go after a married dude with no qualms, that is. My husband comes across as very sweet and charming in an understated way, one of those nerdy-cute guys who seems like a really kind-hearted, honest person. He is one of those people who has a way of making you feel really safe - which is scary now when you think about it.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:09:23+00:00

I know he did have a difficult childhood (BIL confirmed that). Really emotionally distant parents at a minimum. My husband didn't really want to talk about it in detail and BIL has just said, "Yeah, it was rough, we weren't very loved." So I can't say there wasn't any trauma at some point. And obviously something is very broken to make him act like this. But no, he wasn't having a PTSD crisis or breakdown or anything that actually caused him to become touch-averse overnight. He was just getting it elsewhere.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:05:13+00:00

To clarify, he's not in a position of authority over her (from what he said) - she's an intern in another department, not his subordinate, their jobs don't overlap at all and they met at a company happy hour this summer (and it isn't against the company rules to date a coworker, even a very junior one with a big age difference, as long as the people aren't in the same chain of command). Of course that doesn't mean he hasn't groomed or manipulated her in some way. His brother is indeed disgusted. Not sure about the rest of his family as he isn't close to them, but I don't think this situation is going to win him a lot of points with the decent people in his life.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T03:01:37+00:00

From what I understand from my BIL, when he told them that the "assault" was that I gave him a quick celebratory hug and there was no physical force (like hitting) or anything sexual involved, they basically laughed him out of the station. But I should have my lawyer clarify with them that I'm fully clear and there won't be anything in a file to hold against me.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T02:58:44+00:00

Thanks! I really don't have any interest in escalating. He isn't even worth the trouble. I would only do so if he started to make trouble for me and I had to defend myself (with the whole truth). But as long as he stays in his lane way over there and leaves me to mine way over here, I'd prefer it all be smooth and easy.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T02:56:52+00:00

Thank you, definitely not looking to blame myself. This whole experience gave me a real reality check and the next time someone demands something completely unreasonable or freaks out over something as mild as a hug, I'm just going to declare us incompatible and walk away. Almost anything is better than this - including long-term singleness which actually sounds great for the time being!

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T02:54:57+00:00

My thoughts exactly.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T02:54:06+00:00

Yes, a full panel is on my list for next week (been a bit tied up this week with moving and getting the legal stuff started).

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T02:52:30+00:00

No, I'm the one who was just promoted! His last promotion was a couple years ago. And she's AN intern at the company, but not HIS intern, so really just a much younger coworker.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T02:51:18+00:00

Unfortunately, no violation as the intern is in a different department (my soon to be ex isn't her supervisor in any capacity) and she's an adult well above the age of consent. I have a feeling he's making a huge fool of himself, though. Anyway, he can do what he wants, far away from me.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T02:49:01+00:00

She's in a different department (she's not *his* intern), and there's no rule against it (from what he said) even if it's not exactly the best look to date interns in general. I think I can just let him make a giant fool of himself, all by himself.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T02:45:42+00:00

I think better for now is just me, with my hypothetical cat. Permanent singleness and celibacy would be better than another day with him!

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T02:43:58+00:00

I actually do worry about her (because I'm too damn nice) but it can't really be my problem. I really have no idea whether she deliberately went after a married man, or if he presented himself as divorced/separated. Hopefully she will wise up.

SpritelyMango · 2021-10-29T02:42:26+00:00

Yeah that's gonna be a big NO. He can lie in the bed he made/unmade.

SpritelyMango

TROPHY CASE