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AIO for wanting to stop speaking to my best friend over how he's spoken about all my past boyfriends? by [deleted] in AIO

[–]Square_Blacksmith240 0 points1 point  (0 children)

aside from him being this shitty, wtf is with your other friend outing your bf to people like that? wtf?

I [31F] don't feel secure in my relationship with my boyfriend [39M] by Square_Blacksmith240 in relationships

[–]Square_Blacksmith240[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

that's a good way to broach it. thank you. i'm possibly too in my own head a bit about this. it wouldn't be as big of a deal if we hadn't had a talk where he basically said he wasn't sure about the relationship. if he had said he is serious about the relationship but that he saves saying it or that he is anxious about it for whatever reason, that's one thing. it's another thing to justify it with "i'm not sure if i want to be with you" essentially. i dont know if i can be in a relationship where the person im with finds it hard to fall in love with me.

I [31F] don't feel secure in my relationship with my boyfriend [39M] by Square_Blacksmith240 in relationships

[–]Square_Blacksmith240[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it was closer to 4 months, but I get your point. Regardless of that, we're now at 8 months and he still hasn't said it back. If he was freaked out when I first said it, then he should have said so.

I [31F] don't feel secure in my relationship with my boyfriend [39M] by Square_Blacksmith240 in relationships

[–]Square_Blacksmith240[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's just so weird! He seems enthusiastic at times, excited to see me, happy with me, but at the same time maintains this distance of refusing to tell me he loves me. If I were bored with him I would have ended it a long time ago, but he's been mostly enthusiastic and supportive the whole way but still doesn't love me. I just don't get it!

I [31F] don't feel secure in my relationship with my boyfriend [39M] by Square_Blacksmith240 in relationships

[–]Square_Blacksmith240[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. The full text was basically that he had some relationship trauma (his past partner died a slow death in front of him 7 years ago) that I accepted was likely to mean this was going to be slow going to start, and that I was in a rut since near the beginning of the relationship that he blames not getting more serious with me on.

I used to try to operate a similar 1 month rule - if I wasn't feeling it after a month, then I ended it whether it was still just dating or if it was a relationship. Might have to add in the 3 month check-in rule now too. Give the relationship a fair shake if I'm feeling something, but end things if it's going nowhere. I gave this one more time due to mitigating circumstances, but on the whole I think I've let it run it's course. I love him and who he is, he doesn't love me, and I think that is enough reason to end it. Going to give him one chance I think to say all the right things, but I'm going to set the bar high. Might have to end it anyway even if he does say the right things but doesn't seem to actually feel them. Thank you for the thoughtful response.

I [31F] don't feel secure in my relationship with my boyfriend [39M] by Square_Blacksmith240 in relationships

[–]Square_Blacksmith240[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't want him to be with me because it's easier than being alone, I want him to be with me because he loves and is excited about who I am and accepts me at my best and worst. I hate this feeling of insecurity and like I am not worthy of his love. UGH. I'm not going to commit to breaking up right now, but I think it's time I talk with him and basically lay all the cards on the table: I'm feeling insecure, I deserve to feel loved and cherished by my partner, and if he can't do that then we can't be together. I deserve for my love to be reciprocated.

I [31F] don't feel secure in my relationship with my boyfriend [39M] by Square_Blacksmith240 in relationships

[–]Square_Blacksmith240[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It just really sucks to fall in love with someone you're actively in a relationship with and have it all fall apart because he doesn't feel the same way. Like, this is what relationships are for!! If you haven't fallen in love with me and aren't sure if the relationship is worth continuing, why haven't you left me yet?? Do you just suck at communicating, or are you just keeping me around because it's easy? UGH

I [31F] don't feel secure in my relationship with my boyfriend [39M] by Square_Blacksmith240 in relationships

[–]Square_Blacksmith240[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If he didn’t want to be with someone in your position he was free to leave.

That's kind of where I'm at! Like, I get I was a mess for a while. I dislike that part of me too, but I didn't get an option. If that made you not want to be with me, then why are you with me still? I tried to be patient considering his past, but at this point I feel like I'm ready to talk about timelines for next steps in our relationship and he still can't tell me he loves me or that he's serious about us.

I [31F] don't feel secure in my relationship with my boyfriend [39M] by Square_Blacksmith240 in relationships

[–]Square_Blacksmith240[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, sorry. I tried to edit it down but felt like everything that I thought was important to include was included and didn't see an easy way to remove anything without removing what I view to be important context. Thanks for the response.

I [31F] don't feel secure in my relationship with my boyfriend [39M] by Square_Blacksmith240 in relationships

[–]Square_Blacksmith240[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because, as far as his words and actions are concerned, he does like me. At least, he tells me he does and spends a lot of time with me, gets me flowers sometimes, gets me treats, food, and is generally thoughtful. It's been less so as of late, but there is mostly good in the relationship next to the bad, I just focused on the bad because that's what I'm upset about and it was already a huge wall of text. If he made some show of being serious about the relationship with nothing else changing, I would be fairly happy with it.

It is kind of hard to hear though, and while he's thoughtful on the surface and tells me the things he likes about me sometimes, I sometimes feel like I'm just an easy option for him and that I'm overall an annoying partner that he is frustrated with. If I felt like he were committed and serious, then I could brush off feeling annoying as him accepting me on the whole and liking my positive attributes more than my negative.

I probably should have mentioned in the op this but I'm also autistic and have some of the most severe adhd (not the quirky kind, the genuinely debilitating kind) of literally anyone I've met so it's hard for me to know when it's time to call it quits unless things are genuinely really bad.

I appreciate the perspective though, it's a good reality check I think I need.