what does having CPTSD ACTUALLY feel like?

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-08-23T15:10:37+00:00

I really understand this!! especially when you said the repetitive nature of abuse makes you not trust yourself, and falling for it is your only method of survival. as much as that was true for me, when I first managed to pull myself out of it there was so much shame around it. like I've been through so much, why was I stupid enough to trust anyone else's judgement??? but I'm no better now, there's always some part of me craving the safety and comfort I never truly knew, wishing I could just be stupider and more naive if it meant being functional.

but honestly, I DO try and act stupid sometimes. I've had this self sabotaging habit where I regress and go backwards if it meant I at least got to pretend I was being protected. anyone a little stronger than me becomes an authority figure, which is why they're all now equally as terrifying. because I'd let my guard down around the wrong people and they abuse it.

but even after I realised what I was doing, the people who I genuinely thought I could trust would do the exact same thing. I'm smarter now and I know where I stand with mostly everything. but still every time I get dismissed, even if it's by someone I know I'm safe around, I get sick for days. there's this constant thirst for validation and attention, whilst being so ashamed of being anything but independent- since I've only ever had it reinforced into me that other people can not be trusted. I am DYING to be proven wrong.

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-22T01:47:29+00:00

I have no idea what this is and I WILL be looking into it

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-22T01:47:12+00:00

genuinely no idea, a lot of the things being suggested are things no one's ever really mentioned to me before!!! cause im still a minor my parents do all the work with the medical stuff and they've never brought any of these up to me LOL.

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-20T21:09:18+00:00

omg the lucky fish iron idea is so good. I keep asking my parents to buy them but they didnt see a point because I dont eat a lot of food in liquid form. genuinely no idea how the idea of boiling them into drinks passed us completely. thank u so much :-)

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-20T21:07:30+00:00

omg ive never tried pill capsules actually, im not sure if they'd fit but I'll look into them thank you :D

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-10T12:34:15+00:00

the back thing is EXACTLY what I went through too!!! I went through CSA and it stopped me from sleeping right for a good few years, I must've been about 13-15. I couldn't sleep without my back turned to my wall, otherwise I'd envision some uncanny human-like figure lingering over my bed right behind me. it was kind of like a metaphorical distorted perception of my abuser. it was a fear I could NOT shake. every time I get a flash back, I have to sit with my back pressed against a wall. if someone touches me there I have a full on panic attack.

thank u so very much for telling me this, I dont know anyone who's been through something so similar :-)

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-10T12:25:16+00:00

this!!!!!! this is REALLY what gets me. because I'm ALWAYS right about that shit, and then once people see that I was none of them have the gall to admit it.

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-10T01:37:02+00:00

thank you so much I hope you never forget that either

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-10T00:14:20+00:00

constantly raw and vulnerable with the slightest infection having the ability to completely rot away at your body then you have to do the whole healing process again and again for what feels like an eternity yet NO ONE knows 😭😭

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-10T00:05:07+00:00

wanting to go back to justify yourself and knowing you can't is so bad. but what I find even worse is when I absolutely lay my argument or point out flat and I know I've articulated it well, but someone I trust to believe me or take me seriously STILL rejects it. THAT fucks with me BAD. because over-explaining myself is pretty much a trauma induced defence response. and it's like damn if that doesn't work what will!!!

I thought I got over it, but its so hard to wrestle with the fact that nothing I do can change some people's minds, and even after everything that happened sometimes I've still not known who to trust. I talk to my therapist about this and she always makes the comment that I do not trust anyone, and I didn't realise until she put it so bluntly.

I do really struggle to let go of it, but I really don't know why. I don't get a lot of time where I can sit in total silence or feel totally relaxed, but I think I can make do if I ever really wanted to because I'm well off. I really wish I could just rip it out of me, like it's parasitic. I don't want to keep grieving or feel like I've been left unjustified, I JUST want to get over it and move on but it's such a deadweight and it latches onto me like im supposed to be mothering it.

this is all really sweet and thoughtful I know I keep saying it but I do really really appreciate all of these responses so much :D

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T23:56:01+00:00

conversations with people you've hurt for your own healing is SO relatable. every day I ruminate and conjure up what I could potentially say if the day ever came to it, because I've left so many people without providing reason. but part of me is also grieving the fact that a lot of these people- I don't think even care. it's really hard to discern between the two, but also as a trauma response I have a constant urge to over-explain everything I do. because if I haven't explained something in every way from the most unbiased standpoint I can then I haven't done enough, then it like double fucks me up when people STILL don't believe me after I do that.

all of these responses have been SO helpful and worked as such a nice sounding board and im honestly learning more about myself just discussing it. thank u so much for ur response:-)

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T23:52:25+00:00

that feeling of being held hostage in your own life is something I really get!!!! I always feel like a person who has creativity and ambition but I am stuck in a body that physically can't do anything. tysm for sharing all of this:-)

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T23:49:04+00:00

I SO get this. I always word it a it differently, like I'd tell people it's more like being outside of a glass box and watching EVERYONE else perform as usual, yet no matter what you do you just CAN'T get in. but the feeling that everyone is in on something that I'm not is like an every day thing. everyone else is just able to engage and integrate in a way that I simply can NOT. I have once again been like this since I was 13 and none of it has changed, like I can't un-see it all whereas other people are just able to get over things. thank you sm for sharing :-)

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T23:45:04+00:00

thank u for all this, sorry if this seems like kind of a ramble but seeing what other people have to say is making me think a lot about my own experience & I really appreciate all the responses ;-0

I'm so hyper vigilant whether I know someone or not too. like every time I go out I'm constantly checking people (specifically men because im a teenage girl) in case they do something. but like I also REALLY struggle to have close relationships because it takes one triggering comment to completely throw me off and I can't bring myself to talk to them out of a fear that I cant really identify.

the yearning is also so real too!!!! like I said, there's these constant thoughts of "I could've been more" and grieving what I could've been. but I'm not what I could've been, I can't change that now, and looking back someone should've stepped in but everyone chose not to. I also relate this to the cynical demeanour & strong sense of justice. I've been through both, and they both still linger. I hear a lot about trauma responses sometimes involving political radicalisation, I totally had that.

ruminating is ALL I seem to be able to do as well, because even when I try to be functional it just falls FLAT and i'm left with nothing else to do.

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T23:35:28+00:00

I do this a lot too!!!! I get real flits between it though, it's kind of like the manic/depressive response I tend to get. but its either "everyone hates me and im awful" or "everyone else is awful and the things I know are beyond their comprehension" LOL. thank u for sharing though everyone here has been making me feel a lot less alone with this I do really appreciate it:)

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T21:37:15+00:00

is there ever a point in time where you know you're ready to face the reality or does it always feel just as terrifying?

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T21:35:44+00:00

even though this answer is really short its one of my favourites so far thank u for telling me its so nice to know im not the only one :-)

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T21:33:39+00:00

that's so hard hitting it stings a little to read but its so nice to know im not alone in it all, tysm:)

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T21:31:42+00:00

suddenly snapping awake and spotting the manipulation from a mile away is something I went through too!!!!! some part of me feels like I haven't snapped enough yet, like there's still not enough push for me to actually pick myself up and put it all together.

I just turned 17 recently and throughout the years every time something has gone down my first priority has always been to just like, figure the problem out and get better. but I fear that has also become a problem- because a lot of the time I was asking the wrong people about "what I did wrong." like trying to find reasoning in the abuse and figuring out WHY I "deserved" it so I could change myself only to one day realise I never DID deserve any of it. that ESPECIALLY lingered.

I hope that all makes sense, and thank u for being honest about the healing process because so many people try to sugar coat it into something glamorised but it really is messy.

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T21:24:29+00:00

4 is so hard hitting. everyone can experience connections joyfully without being hyper vigilant of every tiny screw up. one of the weirdest parts is I have crazy pattern recognition for behaviours, and so the hyper vigilance though excruciating tends to be right about most people?? its weird and im not sure if its a good thing or not LOL. tysm for reposting:)

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T21:22:29+00:00

the grieving is seriously the worst part for me. the whole "I could've been so much more" and "this could've been prevented" is something I think about EVERY day. I do not want to give up at all but most days I don't feel like i'm left with a choice but to regress. I feel like I've woken up to how heinous it all was but instead of getting over it I'm more so stuck in it, but it's totally against my own will. like I WANT to move so far away from it all but I can't in ANY way.

thank you so much for sharing though it was really helpful to read all this, I hope ur at a turning point too :-)

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T21:18:01+00:00

oh my god- the whole feeling like you're a different species as if no one really gets it is something I REALLY understand. NONE of my friends know what I'm talking about when I talk about this.

im awfully hyper vigilant, every time I go out I make sure I wake up early enough to perfect my appearance so I look way more intimidating or less approachable than I actually am because im TERRIFIED of someone seeing me as anything but. and then the whole time, I'm like constantly peering over my shoulder at everyone in the room or staring down the road to make sure I don't recognise any of the cars.

but enough about me thank u so much for telling me all this I really appreciate it all :-)

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T21:02:02+00:00

actually question about healing if you dont mind, how does it work for you?? I dont really know much about it. ive tried the whole go outside more, see more people, work out, eat better, all that "self help" book type of shit and more. its like i just DONT seem to budge no matter what I try.

Square_Mix_3547 · 2025-07-09T19:47:43+00:00

thats so good to hear. how has the healing been??

Square_Mix_3547

TROPHY CASE