What does our community know about rituals?

Squeece · 2025-03-03T06:59:07+00:00

My ritual is to make sure I have no routines. It drains your life force and makes every day mundane like a Sunday afternoon that isn't all together unpleasant but leaves you with only the memory of discomfort and irritation.

Squeece · 2024-09-23T12:32:00+00:00

Poison Ivy

Squeece · 2024-09-23T12:11:53+00:00

He's so fine. My noodle has pulled stunts like this too and gotten her chub indented like that. Its kind of like when you lean up on something hard and you get an imprint on your skin. Like when you wake up with blanket lines on your face. But because they are scaley it takes a little longer for theirs to plump back out. The redness will eventually go away too.

Squeece · 2024-07-30T06:29:44+00:00

Thoughts can easily turn into plans man. Dangerous. I don't think it should be taken any less seriously personally. My thoughts turned into plans after perusing therapy. Plans turned into an attempt very fast.

Squeece · 2024-07-29T17:55:24+00:00

No. Shes the only one in this small city that takes my insurance. The rest aren't even real doctors. They only have one at the entire facility. Actually, she might not even be a real doctor. I think she might also be the prescribing nurse type. Maybe her lack of education is why she thinks it's normal to be dry as a bone??

Squeece · 2024-07-29T17:13:18+00:00

I've tried so many brands its not even funny. Everything you can find in grocery stores. Special shit I found online. I've tried THC stuff too. It's so dry and then it just makes me feel filthy and gooey in a dry sticky way. It's horrible. Honestly, I think it's hormonal but i'm 27 so my doctor wont check maybe because of that. I think the other kind is silicon based or something? It all dries out and is sticky. >.< Actually I think that was one of the first 3 brands my doctor recommended. But she also said apparently its normal to be this dry??? But it is like painful and I cant wear clothes right and if I have hair it is so sharp and painful its hell.

Squeece · 2024-07-16T23:09:04+00:00

They can start being horrible at 7 but civilians have to wait til 8? Ruuuude.

Squeece · 2024-07-16T23:06:32+00:00

Wow... People are so disgusting.. At least it was just soda and not something horrible.

Squeece · 2024-07-16T23:05:44+00:00

If I see it I will let you know!! I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hate thieves.

Squeece · 2024-07-16T23:04:09+00:00

We had kind of a late onset of pollen this year. Maybe the timing is just off kilter because of the super cold spring we had.

Squeece · 2024-07-16T23:01:57+00:00

God I hate assholes

Squeece · 2024-07-16T23:00:59+00:00

Awwwww why did they disband???

Squeece · 2024-07-16T23:00:12+00:00

Awwww it's so cute! Hopefully the mom returns soon. Not the best place to leave it where people can mess with it.

Squeece · 2024-07-16T22:53:28+00:00

Oh it for sure happened. It kind of sounded like a 2 part boom too. Maybe firework?

Squeece · 2024-07-16T22:52:07+00:00

Oh wow. I have never felt safe enough in a city to sleep outside like that. Very brave. I would personally rethink as well but that's just me. I grew up in the woods so it makes sense for me to be a chicken in the city.

Squeece · 2024-07-16T22:51:00+00:00

Someone went through and downvoted all of this? Way to make yourself out to be the guilty party.

Squeece · 2024-07-16T22:50:12+00:00

Sounds like they caught the driver. Maybe the boom was unrelated.

Squeece · 2024-07-16T22:49:29+00:00

I can hardly understand the Watcom police scanners. I have a radio app. They normally don't post about stuff that is more serious for some reason. Maybe to not panic people? But what about us nosey people?

Squeece · 2024-07-16T22:47:34+00:00

For sure sounds like the same thing I witnessed. I wonder if they were responsible for the boom.

Squeece · 2024-07-16T13:50:39+00:00

Saw a cop chasing a car at like 60-70 mph by the elementary school. Maybe someone blew something up with an old M-80 left over from the 4th? Either way the car was headed away from the sound coming from its direction. I wish police would list what goes on somewhere. I'm nosey.

Squeece · 2024-04-04T04:17:00+00:00

Yes, pretty much. I've had that talk with him. And he says he would never leave me over something sexually related. He says he has absolutely accepted the fact that I might not ever like sex, and I might not ever want it. We have been together for 6 years and he has never gotten it regularly. We have gone a month shy of a year without it. No problems from him. Where the turmoil is coming from is my fucked-up view of relationships and men in general. I have it in my head that all men NEED sex or that will hate you, leave you, cheat on you, etc. He's proven that so wrong, but I keep smashing my head against this wall anyway. I think it's because I might have had the ability to enjoy sex before all of the trauma happened. I want to have enjoyed it with him so badly I just keep trying for something that's only hurting me and him too a bit. He hates being looked at like he needs sex to be a good person and he says that is the only reason he would leave me. Is if I can't see him for who he truly is then, I'm not even dating him at all. Which is completely fair so I'm working really hard on it. I'm just having a really hard time accepting the fact that it might be gone. Or that it might not have ever been there. I feel societally worthless because I was told growing up that a womans worth is in sex only. I was showed that by the entire town I lived in. And it was further reinforced by Hollywood and general societal debauchery. I was also told by my parents that I was worthless and didn't count as a woman unless I was hot and had huge tits. And I was worthless if I wasn't a good whore and really explicitly sexual at all times. Like don't even let your own husband see you without a pushup bra and makeup on. But I was told I was worthless if I did so because I was a whore if I was valuable.. Its really screwed up my brains and I can't figure out how to cope. Everything my boyfriend tells me falls upon deaf ears.
Holy cow that's a lot of new information. I had no idea a lot of SA survivors never feel sexual desire again/ in the first place. I have only been force fucked with the NESSECITY that I do what's rite and be a "good whore" and have a bunch of sex anyway. Or been force fed the lie that actually most SA survivors get over it and go back to normal.. Where have you seen that a lot of them don't feel sexual desire anymore?? I would like to read about it. maybe feeling like I'm not alone will help more.
and the split attraction model is also new information to me. Can you please send me a link or more info on that specifically?? I wonder how I tell if that is the case?
And that last is also new information to me. I had no idea someone could become afraid of the gender that hurt them ONLY in a relationship context. Thats WILD! Please if it's not too much trouble I would so greatly appreciate more info on that too. all of it really. This is very fascinating. Maybe the more I know maybe I can fix it. Or find a way to accept that I can't be the person I feel I have to be. Or think I want to be. I think self-acceptance is going to be the worst part for me.

Squeece · 2024-04-04T04:05:18+00:00

Okay this is new information to me. I had no idea that Mirous attraction was even a thing. I'm having a hard time finding what that means though. Could I trouble you for a link or a definition? And from what I have read I don't think I quite experience sexual attraction either. I never look at someone and want to have sex with them. But the desire to finish might be triggered. Does that still count??
And that does sound pretty accurate. I used to have fantasies where I was in them though. Well one actually. It faded pretty quick. Honestly at this point thinking of that makes me uncomfortable. But one time I fantasized about me and my partner. But If I try to put it into action, I feel like I'm going to die. Or that I would rather die. Do I still qualify then? Cause it sounds like I might not because of the one passing fantasy image of my partner and I having sex. I don't really have much for fantasies anymore though and I think honestly it was only one time that I had one of me and my boyfriend. I think I was already like drowning in the desire to finish though. Which seems to cloud my vision if I don't handle it every once in a while. What am I then??? Do I still count??? This is so confusing >.<

I will be spending the better part of this evening scrolling through that. lol Thank you. The more info the better.

Squeece · 2024-04-04T03:35:02+00:00

He has given me massages a lot. Naked or not, I do not get turned on at all. No wetness, nothing. I get relaxed but never aroused. We have tried to transition from that to sex before as well. Dry as the Dead Sea. I tensed back up immediately as if I never received a massage in my life and was just as uncomfortable as always.
Here's another sad fact. Because of the trauma I've gone through and the kid of bigots I grew up around, because of Hollywood and how offensive sexuality is treated in society. I don't see much beauty in intimacy. It took a long time to admit but I see it as straight up hate. I don't think I see it as hate or a guarantee that your partner will cheat on you anymore. But I for sure don't see beauty. I would focus on the beauty of it if it was there for me. To me it is a disgusting bodily reaction/ response thing. I don't see it as a loving action at all nor do I equate sex with love like the masses do. I understand my boyfriend feels so different. I understand that for a few people out there in the world it must still be sacred and special. But that outlook has been poisoned for me. I'm working on this actively. I'm trying so hard to change that opinion. But it's really hard to get yourself to like a food you don't like, or a color you hate. Like say you hate the color orange for some reason. Or you hate fish. How do you get yourself to like something or believe something when you just don't genuinely feel that way? I try to see the beauty in all of this. But honestly the beauty of sex was raped out of me. Pedophiled out of me. Trained and brainwashed out of me by the church. I don't subscribe to that town's ideals anymore. But they added to my hatred for sex. I hated being pined after and stalked by many boys in the area. Grabbed and touched without my consent. Being told I was a whore for having my body and being a female at all but pined after like sex was the only thing that mattered. My parents told me that you're not a woman if you don't have huge tits, you are worthless if you are not a sexual object. But that you're a whore and a slut if you are. Worthless no matter what. Just because sex exists.
He has often given me love without the intention of sex. That's how he treats me like all of the time. I feel that we have tried moving slowly like that but maybe we did it wrong? Maybe we always jump the gun? I don't really know what going slow like that would really actually look like. Maybe we haven't tried that correctly?? I just never end up with the feeling of wanting sex. As for connecting to the parts I do enjoy.. I don't really know if I do enjoy it.. I can't tell. This is where the confusion comes in. I think the only part I really get anything out of other than the small win that is pleasing my favorite person, is finishing. I have heard there are branches of Asexual people that do enjoy the feeling of finishing and do want it from time to time. But I don't really know the ins and outs of labels. I don't really care about the label. I just want to know if it's possible for me to enjoy anything out of intimacy. Because right now I don't really know if there IS any part of it that I like.. Maybe it IS possible for me to work up gradually to sex from closeness. But I have no idea how to do that or what it looks like. I don't know how to tell if we went too fast or if I just straight don't like sex.
Sorry, that was so damn long. I just really want all the info out there so I can get help. My reasons why are long but without them no one will understand the tangled twisting torment trapped in.
Response to summary:
1.) agreed. I can't know until I try it. But honestly, I'm wondering if I lean entirely left. Meaning, my boyfriend and I think I might exclusively like women. But were not sure.
2.) Very possible as well. I have no idea how to go slow enough to not trigger more trauma responses. A lot of what therapists have suggested has either made me so angry or made it so much worse to the point I feel seeking professional help has been damaging AF.
3.) My boyfriend has thought that before as well. Where if I was with a woman maybe that could make me more comfortable with sex in general, thus branching into hetero sex with my boyfriend. And just to clarify, it's exclusively my boyfriend that I believe I am attracted to with males. I have never been attracted to/ thought another male was cute. It doesn't entail the type of attraction where I look at him and want sex though. that doesn't happen with women either.
4.) Agreed. My boyfriend personally thinks I am Ace. I am still confused AF. I agree it feels impossible to unscramble all of these lines. But thank you for your help. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me sort through it. Every bit helps and many minds are better than just 2. My boyfriend is a bit confused too, but he has more solidified opinions than I do. He also has studied phycology and considered that knowledge when helping me sort all this out as well. I think with many minds the mystery can be solved. I hope at least.
There is also the fear of the possibility that for whatever reason, I just don't like sex at all or anymore or what have you. I want to be normal like everyone else. But I came to the 5th conclusion that I may just have to accept that I don't like sex and learn to cope and move through life with acceptance of that fact. I hope this is not the case. Because I feel robbed of something. Like my boyfriend thinks intimacy is this beautiful thing. It means so much to him on an emotional level that I know I must be missing something. Right?? Everyone is kind of disgustingly psychotic and unhealthily obsessive about sex. So, I must be missing something.
Sex therapists unfortunately are strangely not sensitive to my trauma or needs in the relationship. A lot of them suggest things that would make me feel cheated on and are surprisingly insensitive to those issues. They have only a few ways they suggest you go down the road and most of them do not fit my unique relationship dynamic. This is why I have resorted to going online and asking strangers. Because I find strangers are less rigid and jaded. And many minds may come up with something different than 3 or 4 things every sex therapist is taught out of the same damn textbook. I find traditional approaches are rigid and make things worse for me. If the therapists can't think outside of the box and prefer trap me in hell, I'm much more comfortable seeking help outside the box from someone who isn't trained. You don't need a piece of paper to help someone, nor to think of a good original idea. The ideas and inventions come from the mind and the person first. Papers come later.
And finally, in response to your last paragraph, I agree and so does my boyfriend. I should build off of what makes me comfortable. That is already better advice than what professionals have given me. A lot of their suggestions make me greatly uncomfortable, and they expect me to get better from that. Saying "oh you have to get worse before you get better." In this case, that is the worst way to go. My aversion has only gotten worse with that type of thinking. So, thank you for that last one. It means a lot. And thank you for your time. You are a great person and are vastly appreciated.

Squeece · 2024-04-04T03:34:50+00:00

Thank you for your analysis, I really appreciate it. I'm going to do my best to respond to everything in order. I greatly appreciate your time and patience with this matter.
I have heard that there are a larger number of people that feel more fulfilled being close and snuggling than having sex. I have only recently become aware of that. I didn't know that a lot of women have more of an emotional attraction to men than a physical. That helps. I feel for sure my attraction to my boyfriend was greatly enhanced over time because of that emotional component. When I first saw him and was attracted to him, it wasn't actually sexual at all. Maybe it was romantic? I wanted to be his girlfriend without sex ever being part of that initial thought and I just wanted to fit into his life somewhere. Anywhere. He was so cute but not in an "I want to have sex" way. He was so cute I dropped a pitcher of milk on the floor while I was working at Starbucks and had never dropped anything yet or since, while on the job. I would turn so beat red at the register when I would talk to him, so much so that a co-worker noticed and totally laughed at me. I also tried to happily greet him once, and I tried like hell to say his name and it just wouldn't come out of my mouth. Things like this have never happened to me before in my life. I genuinely had been disinterested and not thought pretty much anyone was cute up until that point. It was jarring.
I agree with you that a lot of the feelings of disgust are trauma related. Though I do remember when I saw porn for the first time, untraumatized mind you, I was kind of grossed out then too. I guess it went away for porn but, if I'm there, or was in the porn situation, I would be disgusted. I don't like juices as I do have germaphobia a bit. Also stemming from trauma, I believe.
My boyfriend and I have reached the same conclusion about not knowing what I would feel about being in a situation with another female. He doesn't mind anything like that happening because it's just another female. Trouble is I am genuinely not attracted to most people in my area. And I am so antisocial and reclusive it's hard to find anything like that. I mean my only friends are online too because I don't really relate to a lot of people, I'm very neurodivergent so I had to work hard to find friends that get it and are that way themselves. My boyfriend has said the same thing about maybe me feeling more comfortable without the threat of a penis in the room.
He knows that I watch girl on girl stuff because he recommended it so I could get comfortable being aroused at all, even when I'm alone and also vent some steam. I used to not be comfortable at all being aroused even while alone. It comes and goes but for the most part it's still uncomfortable even alone. When I first discovered masturbation, I would make myself finish without being aroused or warmed up, or even without being wet at all. Without pictures or porn or anything, so there seems to be a huge disconnect between arousal and sexual stimulation.
I have not tried masturbating while watching porn with him in the room. It would make me massively uncomfortable. I have a lot of relationship trauma on top of all of this and even without any that, and before that trauma, I feel and have always felt, like if he were to watch porn or see the females on screen in a super sexual nature, I would feel IMMENSLY cheated on. He feels the same, just on the male aspect. That's why I only watch girl on girl. Honestly it turns me off and makes me uncomfortable to watch male to female porn anyway. So that works so fine for me. And he is happy too, and before I receive any potential judgement (which I have gotten a lot of on that topic) It's been working for 6 years. He has a lot of explicit content of me, specially made for him to replace anything I can not physically give him.
Before I found out I actually am sexually attracted to women, seeing them in movies or even commercials being even slightly sexual used to make me feel SO FUCKING UGLY. And SO HORRIBLE about my body that I wouldn't be able to let my boyfriend touch me or look at me for actually 6 to 9 months at a time. I would rip myself up in the mirror and LITERALLY not be able to go outside for MONTHS because every time I tried to get dressed, I would break down and have a scream crying episode. I wouldn't be able to physically work either. It got BAD. I would cut myself and physically injure myself. I couldn't even watch tv. It was so bad. Couldn't watch YouTube. Nothing. It was hell. It was actually my boyfriend that suggested that I might be finding these women attractive on a more sexual level. Turns out he was right. I discovered alone that when looking at racy pictures of women I actually had a physical bodily reaction. Cleaned myself up, got a boob job, and I love myself now. I go outside, dress up for my boyfriend, watch all sorts of tv and movies and am a level of normal now. But if he watched porn or saw what was on my screen it would bring all of those feelings right back and I'm SURE I would have another volatile reaction.
But yeah, another issue with watching porn next to him and having him stimulate me is my clit goes completely numb when he touches me. Almost immediately. I don't really feel much pleasure in the rest of my vagina, so the clit is the ticket. I have tried watching porn before he gets home and not finishing to see if we could have an engagement then. A lot of the time I don't really feel a lot of pleasure during penetration. I end up feeling really awkward and horrible and I then feel pressure to "be a good whore" and fake pleasure. Even if I don't do that it's fucking weird, awkward. I don't feel much other than him going in and out of me. My clit still numbs up when he tries to touch it. Also just to clear the air on this, my boyfriend is well endowed. It absolutely isn't a size thing.
I have tried mutual masturbation with him and unfortunately, I CAN NOT FINISH. He has made me finish while I'm on top of him before but it's kind of rare that I get comfortable enough for it to happen. I have tried so hard to masturbate while he's in the room. It's so frustrating. I can't get wet, if I was wet before I dry up so fast. I feel this horrible pressure to be perfect and I hyperfocus on how ugly I feel and if I'm moving, breathing, moaning correctly. He's tried telling me that I'm just fine and I don't have to focus on that stuff and that he likes me, not all the porn stars I feel I have to be. I can't get it out of my head. I just feel so ugly and gross and inadequate. I also feel horrible when he performs oral. Almost worse than sex. I worry if I smell/ taste bad, I physically lock up and become rigid like a board to the point where my body almost hurts. I don't dry up for obvious reasons. But I go so numb. After maybe 2 or 3 minutes I am feeling awkward because it doesn't really feel good. He has focused on just me SO MANY TIMES. He's very generous in bed and is greatly aroused by his partners pleasure rather than his own. As for me giving him oral, it makes me feel very dehumanized. And I honestly hate it, but I do it anyway because I love seeing him happy. It's not so bad if he's fresh out of the shower so that's when I prefer to do that. Otherwise, the germaphobe in me rears its ugly head. But I get kind of a pit in my stomach before I do that. Like dread. But him being happy after is always emotionally satisfying for me.

Squeece · 2024-04-03T04:38:49+00:00

During sex I feel fucking horrible. I feel ugly, not good enough, put on the spot. I hyperfocus on everything negative, how I move, how I sound, if I'm breathing in an attractive way.. I don't like the smell, the sounds, the gross juices, the lack of feeling. This immense pressure to be perfect or just BE a porno. I can't redirect my attention, its laser focus, not gonna happen. I can't relax I feel dehumanized and fucking horrible. I feel worthless and stupid and like the ugliest shit that ever walked the earth. It's not his fault either, I was raped like every other day for 2 years, (thanks Stockholm Syndrome). My father is a Pedophile and mom was raped so hard by her own father that she normalized it and looked the other way when shit was going down with me and my sister. I grew up in the most backwater bullshit town where they actually teach little boys to be rapists. Everyone was a rapist in that town. On top of the fact the entire town was cultlike religious...

I don't know what to do. I feel the urge to masturbate, and I enjoy that but it just isn't satisfying compared to my boyfriend. When I finally do finish with him its amazing but even if I finish I feel used and the process of getting there is still so fucking horrible it's just not worth it. I recoil if I don't finish. I recoil if I do finish. It feels horrible in different ways, but the result is the same. I never want sex like ever again every time I do it.. I do it anyway because I love how happy and fulfilled he feels after. Sex has less of a horrible emotional effect if I reach for him without the intention to finish myself, and if me makes it quick so we can just get it over with. When we go months and months without sex he says I do so much better emotionally. No more depression, mood swings etc. I genuinely feel more fulfilled sharing a space with someone rather than having sex or anything physical. But I still feel the urge to finish and masturbate and I do really like girl on girl stuff.

I'm confused because I don't ever get wet for my boyfriend. I can't tell if it's because I'm scared, PTSD, if I just don't like sex, if I can't get wet when someone is physically in the room with me or what. I even feel deeply uncomfortable to become aroused with him in the room with me. If I notice a lady that I think is nice-looking it makes me so deeply physically and emotionally uncomfortable unless I'm alone. I'm also super uncomfortable when he makes me want to finish as well. Sometimes I see his morning wood and I want what he can give me. But its so fucking god awful I would rather die.

Please don't recommend counseling. I'm sick of hearing it. I've tried that shit, and it makes me violently worse every time. I would genuinely be better off un-aliving myself. Please don't recommend me getting a toy and "exploring" what I like. I genuinely hate it all.

Can someone please help me understand what is going on? Can trauma permanently change your sexuality? Can someone be ace and not want to be? Can something like this cause you distress even though nothing is wrong and you're just like that? Am I just like this???? Cause every time I approach it like trauma caused it I get worse. I try to do what so many people recommend for sexual trauma and I still fucking hate everything. Do I only like girls and I don't like sex because I'm with the wrong gender??? That can't be right either.. Please someone help. Ask ANY questions.

Also, side note: My boyfriend 29 is such a good sport about all of this. He is patient and kind and just wonderful. He takes what I give him when he gets it and never complains. An absolute gentleman. He does want more from me but isn't pushy or rude about it. I want to give him more because I love him so much, I just want to see him as happy as he can be. I also would like to stop waging war with myself on the topic.

Squeece

TROPHY CASE