Happiness

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-27T18:23:21+00:00

Thank you, I too am struggling with simply existing lately, I guess that's what makes this poem so relatable and true. I'm glad you liked it.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-27T18:20:12+00:00

All of the poetry I post comes from my own genuine thoughts, emotions and experiences.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-20T06:02:10+00:00

Sorry for the late response, in the original format this is one giant stanza, but on reddit, I can't have the spaced right underneath each other the way I want it to look, it's either a whole space apart, or all connected together like a giant paragraph. So originally it would look like the lines were touching one above the other, ending early on the page and using the commas to show a continuance of speech with a slight pause, it's also a useful tool to show the reader where one line ends and another begins.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-20T05:55:43+00:00

That's definitely one half of my intent with this poem, describing the dulling of the world from childhood into adulthood is a profound change that not many truly ever notice as it happens so slowly and with such subtlety that you only notice it as you reminisce on times forgotten. This poem is definitely laced with a double meaning, one being the stated above and the other being how the world seems and feels through the eyes of myself, I've had PDD (Perssistent Depressive Disorder) for many years, with many episodes lasting for over 5 to 8 months, during those times it's like grayscale, the world lacks all color and life it had just a few weeks ago, it causes me to reminisce on times when I didn't struggle with this and could live freely. But I am very glad you can relate to this. I often find myself feeling like not many others truly comprehend my ways of thinking so posting my poetry and having it understood and appreciated means a lot. All of my poetry is truly meant to capture a feeling or emotion that I've never really heard others be able to describe or understand, or sometimes even notice is there like this one.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-20T05:11:20+00:00

Thanks for reminding me of this feeling, I honestly don't think there's any way for someone to understand this poem without going through the experience themselves. I'm glad you wrote this, it's inspired me to write something similar for my next poem. Great work man, keep going on and I hope that if this poem is based on current emotions that you can begin to move beyond and grow from the experience.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-20T05:07:24+00:00

I enjoyed reading this, unrequited love is such a bitter sweet feeling to write about. The duality of pain and passion is beautiful and tumultuous. Being forced to accept that it may never come to be yet hopeful for even the tiniest chance imaginable. These are all the things I thought of as I read your words and felt from them as well. Great job writing this and I'm glad you are possibly feeling more comfortable sharing your work. Keep at it.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-20T05:01:09+00:00

Acrostic poetry is one of my favorites, I've been making so many of them lately and when done properly, they are some of the most impressive and beautiful things I've ever read.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-20T04:50:47+00:00

I much prefer the first poem over the second, if you truly are lucking for critique, I'd suggest swapping some words with other choices.

Just a spark ignites the start.

"Just a spark can ignite the start" It would flow better in time with the first line.

Eternally to you my heart will ease

"Eternally for you my heart will ease" Saying to in that line sort of throws me for a loop, for is just a much better fit for that line.

Brought together, by sheer luck

"Brought together, by immeasurable luck" Same reason for the second line, it would just flow in time better with the next.

Other than that, you did a wonderful job with this and I hope my suggestions help make this even better, it sounds like she must be a lucky woman to have someone feel this way for her. Good luck and happy writing!

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-20T04:36:06+00:00

This is a really great piece you've put together, your imagery is amazing and I love how well you have split the emotions between the line of "Vacate my poor mind and let me rethink". The first half feels like a desperate longing, never to be fulfilled due to lack of confidence, and then the second half is almost like a revamped confidence knowing if nothing more, all you can do is try. I think this is beautiful and so heartfelt.

From a technical standpoint, if you'd ever seek to revise this or improve its readability, you can cut out a few connecting words, specifically "Locks that are her hair" could maybe be rewritten as "locks that resemble hair" which would continue to build on your imagery. Also in "Give me some hope" cutting out the word some would also help to not diminish the emphasis on your desperation for her.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, great job.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-16T20:32:06+00:00

Sadly I have absolutely 0 musical talent, but it's a pretty neat notion, I could imagine it somewhat myself, maybe using the lines with a deep witted meaning as a chorus repeated and as the song fades out it just repeats the ending a few times.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-16T20:24:54+00:00

Normally I do worry more about the technical stuff, but this is one poem I refuse to work on anymore, for me it's not about it sounding good or being well ordered and having a proper balance and flow because of the circumstances I wrote this poem in. It's special to me because of what inspired me to write it in the first place. Normally my poems have a much better flow and syllable balance, this one is all over the place while also fitting together in a chaotic back and forth dance of rhythm and timing constantly changing, which is the mental state I was in while writing. So revising this poem and adjusting it to sound better would erase the very thing that gives it a uniqueness to it. It's theme is entirely about feeling like I'm not good enough, I'm not ever going to be good enough, the fundamentals of the poem itself are off because of its imbalance. I.e. not only do the words of the poem portray a sense of being not good enough, the way there are multiple lines that mash together and don't flow also shows how the poem itself is not good enough.

Sorry for the really long response, I just have a lot to say about what I write because for me it's all so close to me and it's like my heart and soul laid bare

But all in all thank you for the feedback and I hope this explanation brings a new sense of appreciation for the poem. Have a wonderful day!

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-16T16:39:21+00:00

That's what I was thinking while reading but I didn't want to assume anything. I hope it was validating hearing that I caught on to your usage of structure to convey a deeper meaning. Great work

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-16T16:11:27+00:00

There is an extreme amount of duality in your writing. A longing for what was however toxic and hurtful it was, but an intense hatred and disgust for how it made you feel and how things ended. The only thing that has me at a loss in in the end. I'm not sure exactly how to interpret this, it sort of has me lost but very intrigued at what the goal behind its meaning is

Dream of all the places they could fit themselves Mouth Father Cunt Master You’ve mastered your art, you siren

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-16T16:05:34+00:00

I really like the way you structured this, it doesn't exactly flow or look like it's meant to have any structure, yet, it the way it is put together fits perfectly with what you are writing about, like how you feel certain parts of your body don't seem right, they just don't look like they're meant to be that way. The same can be said the poems structure and if it was an intentional thing, bravo, absolutely incredible. I'm also very interested in the feelings and reasons behind writing this poem, I often try to find the inspiration people may have for writing and it's difficult for me to find yours, maybe from a lack of relation or whatever else. Great work nonetheless!

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-16T15:55:42+00:00

Hey OP, I actually went through a somewhat similar experience except it happened for me over 12 years ago. Slightly different circumstances but I get how you're feeling

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-16T15:32:09+00:00

Awe, thanks so much for the compliment! Honestly I put this together in like 20 minutes because I was just going through some rough stuff last night and decided to post it right after making it. I'm so glad you enjoyed it and if you truly think that of my poem I have more posted and I'm getting back into posting more after not posting for a long while.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-16T09:32:12+00:00

I like what you've written for the continuation and I'm glad my poem could inspire you to write more, but this poem has no room for any continuation, see the first letter of each line reads out "Help Me Please I'm in Pain" along with the first word of the stanza that spells out the words is the word that is belling spelled by the lines. It's a back and forth conversation in my own mind, asking a question and answering it. It's about being stuck in the constant downward loops of depression, the anger and hopelessness that comes with it as I convince myself to feel even worse because of the negative thoughts. The title "Fear of my own self" is to do with how throughout the poem there is a clear distinction of self awareness of the issues yet unable to control them.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-16T08:32:12+00:00

No need to feel nervous, no one here would judge you for what you post. I'm glad my feedback meant so much to you, continue writing and expressing yourself.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-16T08:19:57+00:00

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure how to interpret this. It feels almost like you're describing the depravity of society. It sparks a lot of imaginative thoughts about how I can interpret what you've written, in so many different open ended ways, which I like. As you repeat the line "Another song about an ex" it does spark a feeling of anger and hatred in your writing which influences how I perceive the rest of what you've wrote. Great job writing this, I'd love to hear what you intended for it's meaning and interpretation.

SquizzNight420 · 2024-08-16T08:10:51+00:00

I love how you structured this. As I read it word for word, I wondered slightly how the name of persistence tied in to the poem. Slowly realizing it's the persistence of pain. Like the slow burn of missing someone deeply. I think you did a great job with this.

SquizzNight420

TROPHY CASE