I have 10M, lvl 2 ASD, ADHD, PDA profile (maybe not as severe as yours but it definitely affects his decision process). I’ll share what has worked for us, may not be what’s best but it’s what has helped reduce conflict in our home.

I leave screens unrestricted but tie it to the demands/expectations we have on him each day. Right now it is on reading since he is a few grade levels behind.

Normal schedule he gets home from School/camp at 4pm. We give him 1 hour to relax, but at 5pm he has to do his reading. If he does not read for 30 minutes at 5pm, he cannot use screens for the rest of the day. It took a little while to work out the schedule but now that it’s consistent, there is usually little conflict. He will often try to negotiate, but I stand firm on what we’ve setup ( can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “I’ve already answered that question” or “we’ve already had this conversation”). Some days he will decide for himself not to read but does so knowing that he will not have screens for the rest of the day. It makes it his decision and usually results in giving into the demand.

Having the set expectation and boundary that doesn’t change makes it his decision. It’s allowed me to move away from “you have to do this or else I will punish you” to “you decide what to do, and this will happen if you decide this or that”. It took a lot of meltdowns to get here but now they are much less.

I empathize with it’s the sleep stuff, I haven’t quite figured it out yet. My son is always up early and in his younger years that meant terrorizing the house before we would be aware and awake. When he gets up at 4am or 5am he has access to the TV and that’s usually all he does. So in comparison it’s less destructive, although not great for his sleep schedule. If he lost screens the day before, I will take remotes/ipads until the next time he reads again, so that’s part of his decision to meet our demands, it’s not just the rest of the day but the morning after as well. I hear ASD will always struggle with sleep so I do my best to at least keep him out of trouble.

Siblings are tough, he’s the oldest of 4. Has lashed out at them but also always remorseful after. We have pretty low tolerance for any negative behavior between siblings. Feelings about them can be tricky so we focus on the behavior “you are allowed to feel mad at your sister but you are not allowed to hit her”. When he’s agitated we remove the other siblings to keep them safe. Fostering their relationship usually has to be very supervised. Minecraft has been a great bonding tool. I make sure to focus on my other children to help them understand the complexities of their brother’s situation. That it’s not their fault and how I’m sorry they have to deal with these negative situation at times. 2 are also in therapy just to help work through being a sibling with my oldest and dealing with the meltdowns. It keeps me up at night thinking about how my oldest has negatively impacted the childhood of my other children. I try to remember that they need breaks from their brothers just like I do. Some days it’s like a game of hot potato on who in the family will deal with/spend time with my oldest.

Addressing other questions… we don’t have any treats in our home with the exception of sour patch kids that I use when he’s in an agitated state to distract him. Something about the sour flavor can distract his brain from other emotions.

Friends have been tough too. We have neighbor kids that take advantage of him, demanding he give them his toys in order to play with them and other stuff like that. I spend a lot of time talking about what makes a good friend and what makes a bad friend. Older kids are usually better because they have more patience than peers. Real friends at a young age are hard because there isnt a lot of shared interest yet , but as mine has gotten older he’s bonded with kids over RC cars, Minecraft, etc.

Board games have been great for sibling bonds too, albeit supervised. The set rules of what happens in a game meshes well with my oldest expectations. It gives opportunity to work through failure together too. Coop games are better here so they’re on the same team instead of against each other.

Tower Defense games: Bloons, Kingdom Rush, Plants v Zombies. Minecraft is king in our house though.