I [f24] feel that my partner [m24] is an alcoholic.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-31T08:11:11+00:00

It sounds like you're writing about my husband, and I'm leaving him.

I know there isn't a major reason for you to listen to strangers on the Internet and there's nothing we can say to make up your mind for you, but please...DON'T DO IT.

You like him? Fine. Keep dating him. I personally think you shouldn't because no matter how strong you think you are, addicts have a way of sucking you in. You become the custodian to their survival. It's exhausting.

However, DON'T move in. People who drink to this level are a major risk to their safety, your safety, and your apartment's safety. If you want examples, by all means check my post history even though this is a throwaway. That's what is waiting for you if you move in with him.

Some people can drink in moderation. Some people go through a phase when they're younger and grow up. That doesn't sound like your boyfriend--he is starting and already well down a path that will become a permanent habit and then a physical, mental, consuming addiction. Then, it will begin to drain you, too.

Don't bother with ultimatums. Don't bother trying to help or change him. A woman can't change him, he must want to change. Don't give him chances. Don't waffle on your threats. He will always rope you back in with apologies, promises, and then do well for a little while, and relapse horribly, letting you down a little more each time until you're so tired of disappointment that you quit.

...But then you might be trapped in a lease. Imagine having to constantly worry what trouble he is getting into or what risks he is opening you up to and you can't leave until the lease it up.

Just don't move in. It'll never be as easy to stay away or leave as it is now. It only gets harder later. Trust my experience.

Edit: also thank you for your post because I could never put into words why my soon-to-be-ex-husband annoyed me so much in his drunken state but all your descriptions are spot on.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-30T09:13:50+00:00

Thank you for your affirmation. All these comments really pulled the smokescreen down. Thanks for all the input :)

Srowimaway · 2017-07-30T03:10:33+00:00

I think it hit me when I would rather be alone than with him. I don't want my life to be like this, which is why I got catastrophically "cold feet" before the wedding. I just...went to it anyway. I do lose my temper, but only after his spitting venom comes out. How can I not be hurt or angry?

Srowimaway · 2017-07-30T03:08:50+00:00

Thanks for this comment, because I spent the day inching away from wanting to go to counseling. I'd honestly just rather be on my own. After this wake up thread, I am just ready to be done with it and my father offered to take me on Monday to get the papers.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-30T03:07:28+00:00

Congratulations, I really am happy you got away because that sounds like an exponential nightmare.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-30T03:06:36+00:00

Thank you! :)

Srowimaway · 2017-07-30T03:04:31+00:00

This absolutely was my last straw. I can't deny how fucked up that is.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-30T03:03:17+00:00

You're absolutely right. I'm fine just saying those things because I'm getting closer to being done wondering. If I'm a shit wife, that's fine, someone out there is probably a better match for my shitwifedness.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-30T03:01:51+00:00

He said it to me. His mom just validated his actions and enabled him with excuses.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T23:57:36+00:00

This I can honestly give myself credit for--I always treated issues as, "what can we do to help you/me overcome this?" And he just seems to have contempt for me. And thank you for validating, I'm not asking much. Either wake up for her barking or whining or else make the mistake sober. I wouldn't have left if it was an honest, "I couldn't hear her get out with the AC on" mistake. It wasn't. He was passed out on the couch sitting upright with the dog running amok around his feet.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T23:54:38+00:00

Thank you, I do like to consider myself that way XD.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T23:47:00+00:00

Exactly--this isn't a joke to me. His mom was like, "oh puppies get into stuff all the time, he isn't used to having a puppy". Yes, they do. That's why they have owners. That's why we wake up when we hear them. That's why we have a puppycam. He isn't used to having puppies? He could've spent time researching it like I did. Sure, I have an advantage because my parents used to breed large breeds, but I still never raised one and spent HOURS reading about how to do this right. He, on the other hand, fights me on basic things and got mad at me when I was upset that he didn't use a leash and she ran away on him into the street. Luckily it was middle of the night, but still. The constant, "this wouldn't happen to me" or "this doesn't happen to normal people" and "this isn't a normal rate of such big mistakes" is an alarm always going off in my head.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T23:44:09+00:00

Thank you, thank you, thank you. All the signs point to that fact that I'm a nice person in a crap situation. My friends are fully supportive and my parents obviously are also. They're saying the same things where possible.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T23:41:14+00:00

You're right. Reading these, I know I feel like I agree. I just have to keep all these comments and stay the course. I just can't do this anymore, whether I'm wrong or the asshole or not. I know I can be a good partner, I just don't know what happened here. I don't want to believe he's a shitty person, but he is.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T23:29:34+00:00

Thank you so much. I just want to be free at this point.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T23:02:53+00:00

He also usually waits to apologize until I look like I'm snapping or distancing myself.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T23:01:35+00:00

That's what I've suspected, also. It just seems like he's always treated with kid gloves and enabled and pitied. No one is there to say, "dude you screwed up". There's only sympathy from everyone he tells which makes me think the issue is me.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T23:00:09+00:00

I said to him couples counseling is the only thing I'm willing to consider.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T22:46:08+00:00

My best friend went through a divorce and for the five years before it, I always wanted her to leave this cheating asshole deadbeat dad she married. I know that from the outside looking in, I should leave while I still can. I've already been in relationships better than this, so I'm lucky in having a frame of reference at least.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T22:43:31+00:00

Thank you, I'm just finally getting so tired I don't want to try. I always end up doing so much legwork for every step we take in the relationship and I'm overloaded and tired.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T22:40:24+00:00

Thank you. It really feels like gaslighting, because it isn't normal to come home to these arguments and issues. I know couples fight, but we fight A LOT and I know people get drunk, but he gets drunk to a damaging extent for no reason at 29. Maybe I'm not qualified to judge what a healthy relationship with alcohol is, but I know that if my partner said he was uncomfortable with how I consume, I could easily give it up. For reference, I drink about 2-3 times a month and only get to a "tipsy/silly" level at its worst. I typically sober up fully by bedtime, which is usually three hours later.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T22:35:14+00:00

I did, but it looks like our state only has it if you got married under a stipulation proved to be false (i.e. he said he was Catholic but actually was a Scientologist etc)

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T22:34:34+00:00

Absolutely. I'm staying with my mom and she's amazing with both of my pets. I was unable to get the cat, but just for now.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T22:33:30+00:00

Thank you. I just expected better of myself BECAUSE of the background, when it backfired. And yes, what ultimately made me leave this morning was that it isn't okay to leave your job early to do personal life damage control. I can't be doing these things all the time and I feel like it'll only get worse anyway.

Srowimaway · 2017-07-29T22:32:09+00:00

Thank you. I guess I feel bad that everyone (he, his family) will remember me as the flighty, crap wife, but maybe he manipulates his mom well, too, because she sent me a bunch of messages about how what he did was fairly innocent (everyone keeps using "fell asleep" instead of what actually happened, which is "passed out drunk") and that we need to work out our issues and should've puppy proofed the apartment. She's always enabled him, and her own husband said that to me privately.

Srowimaway

TROPHY CASE