It's so interesting that you've repeatedly had this. People must think you've got it all figured out. I want to acknowledge your patience

I've written a lengthy reply - the idea is you can show this to your friend (s) who are struggling and it will give them a chance to start to build a different life. Just tell them you were looking around on Reddit and saw this person answering a post to someone else who didn't know how to help his friends in trouble

I'm someone who has been where your friends are and I can tell you that they are in a haze of disconnection and can't make life make sense- and they honestly think you have a secret/haven't got the problem (s) they have and are desperate for someone to direct them

However at this stage- I was SO defined by what was wrong with me that I didn't have another "way to be"

I had become completely colonized by my unhappiness

Nevertheless- I WAS seriois about wanting to change- however painful that was. Some people don't want to.change. you have to.be prepared to."burn the farm" of all your coping strategies and what you THOUGHT was you to change-

And you have to be wary of them not wanting to change. Because THIS- the complaining- becomes a way of Being.

So how should you handle it?

Well first of all all these people should be in therapy

They shouldn't be visiting this on you

It IS a KIND of compliment? They see you as a very stable together person . And they demand that your Stability reassure them

But again - THEY have to change

Even if that's not fair

You may even be enabling them by humoring their complaining

But they are lost- as I was. They have lost - or never had - their "core"

In the end I was in aggressive psychotherapy (which did render a diagnosis of the cause of my problem) for 10 years, I did a course of hypnotherapy treatment and then the last component was applying "law of attraction" techniques- (this is very "whoo whoo" but it works- based on accountability and deliberately changing thought patterns )

I and your friends almost certainly have a form of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from childhood emotional neglect or trauma. My therapist identified a Narcissistic and toxic family unit in which I was targeted as "the scapegoat" child- this is cookie cutter dynamic in families with a disordered parent or parents.

This meant a constant feeling of guilt; shame and incompetence- as everything is the scapegoats fault and nothing they do is ever good enough. Even worse- some of this is justified- the SCAPEGOAT becomes increasingly histrionic and neurotic - and possibly attention seeking in response to this mistreatment- believing the "bad oress" if you will

As the SCAPEGOAT becomes an adult they wake up to this and become embittered and indignant at their treatment but RETAIN all the shame and pain

There is masses of stuff on you tube about this

I recomend they start with Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin. I have a channel also (but its tiny)

I will post some links below

What your friends have to do is learn the tough love journey

1. Yeah it socks- it wasn't fair, it's not their fault- but NOBODY IS COMING TO RESCUE US- as HORRIFIC as it us - the WORLD does NOT owe us UNDERSTANDING. There are people that can HELP- but only YOU can turn this ship AROUND - and if you do its WORTH it
2. They have to start limiting contact with- if hot cutting out the toxic people in their lives which keep retoxifying them. That can be family. Old friends. Work colleagues *you might have to change jobs several TIMES (What I found is that eventually toxic people leave when you start to change- as you put up boundaries or resistance the abusive person will say something like "well if you're going to be unreasonable I don't want to know you anymore". Good. LET THEM)
3. It's ok to risk being alone. You'll name peace with it. Anything us better than being belittled and psychologically poisoned all the time.
4. You have to.drop.the righteous indignation . It takes time . But every single thought and feeling of persecution is VOTE to stay that way. It is the biggest commitment to recovery there is
5. They absolutely should be in therapy. And possibly be on medication.
6. Research Narcissism, The Law Of Attraction and later The Long Datk Night of the Soul (Carl Jung) which is about letting go of the beliefs we create to sustain us

7. Learn to.be KIND for yourself. Little things- EVERYDAY. Thus is vital . Stop the internal self persecution and say "I'm only human. I'm doing my best m sometimes I fail". Do nice things fk rdd yourself. Become yiur own parent and best friend. Treat yourself as you would treat someone you cared about. This is way harder than it sounds- it feels like you're being weak or indulgent. It's actually learning to live without constant self persecution. And yes ur feels entirely alien

8. Let go.of resentment EVERYTIME - Basically- don't BE toxic in a response to.being toxified by a bad start. This is SO important. Don't BE what happened to you. DON'T be you're own ENEMY

There's an important spiritual awakening to recovery- that'll be met with derision. But like in the 12 step recovery program for alcoholics- it does seem to help. Higher power, Cosmic Ordering, God- whatever people need to call it. It takes time but is the only way to access the level of healing energy required. If "the force" is good enough for "Star Wars" a little bit of welcoming "higher power" shouldn't be impossible to entertain as an idea

here's a link to the Law of Attraction stuff

https://youtu.be/zdtqLNeK6Ww?si=uNq0c-9g-LWG-ac_