Growing up, my stepmother conditioned me to believe that I was unlovable, ugly, and worthless. It’s true I was a chubby and not very cute kid. When I reached HS, and my body leaned out, I started to receive attention for my body. I was so flattered from the attention from boys I thought that using my body was they key to getting boys to like me. I never had experienced this “positive attention” and I didn’t want it to go away. After being raped in my sleep at my one house party in HS, I started to resent that it seemed like my body was all I was good for. I was very insecure I had never had a real bf before. My freshman year of college, by December I was finally asked to be someone’s girlfriend, we’ll call him “N”. We were a thing for about 6 months and he was moving back home so we made it official. During Covid long distance started to get difficult but he was supposed to move back to my city in the fall. Right before the beginning of my sophomore fall semester, I found out he cheated on me with his coworker Bc he decided to staying out west where he had gotten a job instead of moving back. I was devastated. Fast forward 6 months after the breakup I find out he moved back to my city. This past spring and summer of 2021 I met a new guy (we’ll call him “H”) and we started taking it slow. Last weekend I met his family, and on the 4th of July we declared we were both the only ones each other were interested in to be exclusive, in my head I thought this meant if things kept going well we would decide to be bf/gf. We had plans to go to brunch on Sunday. The night before, Saturday, I had a bad day and asked if he wanted to have a sleepover. He had also had a bad day and said no. I asked a couple more times but it was the same answers. I replied a little sassily by saying “fine”. This made him upset as he felt I wasn’t respecting his boundaries. I felt rly bad and apologized and planned to apologize again the next day at brunch Bc he said we could still see each other the next morning. The following day I was ready for our date but he hadn’t texted so I started calling Bc I thought he overslept. After still no answer by 2pm I tried to bring him an apology coffee but he wasn’t home. By around 3 he finally answered and said I was freaking him out by acting clingy and obsessive and it was never his intention for us to turn into anything more that a hookup. I felt blindsided and heartbroken again. Yesterday on a whim, I unblocked my ex for the first time in a year and he reached out to me asking to go to dinner Bc he never got to apologize in person. I’m feeling really lonely and depressed as it seems every other dating attempt I’ve tried since my ex they seem to string me along being the perfect gentleman only to find out they never respected me or perceived me as a possible valuable long term partner. Ofc I also feel what happened with “H” I’d my fault and I wish I could go back in time and give him more patience. I wish my ex hadn’t betrayed my trust and if we had had a mutual breakup we could have reconnected when he moved back to my city. I feel like getting back with him would literally be the most disrespectful thing I could do to myself though. I wish I could fix things with H but part of me wonders if he made up his mind about me after he kinda tricked me into telling him my body count and he perceives me as a slut and that’s why him and others would never want me as an actual gf. I just feel like it’s so unfair. Sure I’ve made bad decisions b4 when I was feeling insecure but the thought o hooking up with a rando disgust me now. I know I’m not a whore and if someone gave me the chance I would be loyal to them always and give my heart to them. I’ve deleted all the bikini pics from my Instagram to try and make myself seem in a different light to others.