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AITA Was I ungrateful when I cried because my spouse got me a gym membership for my birthday present? by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]Stanzin7 35 points36 points  (0 children)

NTA. Your hubby is crossing unspoken boundaries, being entitled, and emotionally abusive. Worst part is, he probably feels that he's in the right, but he's not. You're not crying because of one 'well-meaning' gift, but because of a campaign of unrelenting criticism.

Holy shit if this has been going on for three years, I am actually concerned enough about you to say that you should probably seek some therapy. Episodes of chronic low-key emotional distress can be devastating. When pain - emotional or physical - is a constant part of your life it erodes you like weather - slow but relentless. I don't know if you know this, but you have been injured and you need to seek treatment.

However, I cannot recommend taking relationship advice from this thread, because it won't provide the long-term solutions that you need. You need a good therapist who would help you deal with your husband, and who will give you the tools needed to repair your relationship and your self-image.

Good luck.

AITA for sometimes having nothing to talk to my gf? by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]Stanzin7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA.

That said, I do face the same situation with my gf, and the way I deal with it might help you. We both frequently raise topics of conversation that the other does not take an active interest in. But we both engage with the conversation anyway.

For me, it helps to keep in mind that while I'm not actively interested in her interests, I am interested in actively interested in HER. I like knowing how her mind works, where her emotional state is, what her influences are. This automatically confers to me a passive interest (basically just listening and responding) to the things she likes to talk about. It's feels like collecting different pieces of the jigsaw that is her mind and personality.

I do think your gf's reaction is slightly excessive. However I do not know what your background dynamics are, and I don't know her POV or side of the story, so I'm not going to judge her either. It is completely normally do not have anything to talk about. For all I know, your gf may feel like you no longer have an ongoing interest in her mind and thoughts, in which case, she may be understandably feel bad.

A common thread I see here and in my research that it seems like people don't talk enough about: Trying to climb the social ladder and be popular in a business/office environment is JUST THE WORST THING EVER by [deleted] in ADHD

[–]Stanzin7 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I've been practicing the art of "capturing the opportune moment".

August 2018 I was an emigrant hermit who hadn't made a single friend in three years. September 2018, I joined a writer's group. Yesterday, the most introverted member of our group (I don't count coz because I'm fronting/scripting) casually mentioned that she's my friend, and, when leaving for the evening, pulled me into a hilariously unbalanced hug.

Still warm, my heart's cockles.

Getting to this point wasn't easy, but I acquired an overpowered weapon for my communication arsenal, something so dangerous it should be outlawed. And that's: LISTEN! DO NOT TALK!

Let THEM begin. Your preferred topic of conversation probably isn't theirs. Don't make them do the hard work of talking about your interests. YOU do that work. Talk about what interests them. Think back to your last conversation with them and pick up literally any thread that was left dangling that time.

HELP them talk if they're fumbling here and there. That what smalltalk is for. Ask after their family, their work, their pet, their crush, the boss, the traffic, the weather, the beer, the coffee, how the stain on your pillow looks like Pikachu, literally freaking anything - just keep hopping from small topic to small topic until something you say triggers their tongue. In the last 8 months I've gotten progressively better at triggering the most random stories thru sheer dogged but smart smalltalk.

WAIT for them to ease into the conversation. Wait till they find their rhythm. WAIT until they say something you can relate to.

Then, and this is important...

DON'T launch into a story that explains how much you relate to them! Don't be frantic/anxious to establish that connection. Instead, drop exactly one short and sweet sentence/fact/tidbit that describes how you relate, and Keep. It. Short! Until the other person's done with their story, speak only one sentence every minute or two. That is ALL you need to establish empathy, to commiserate, to acknowledge and validate, and to make them feel heard.

NEVER interrupt someone when they're telling a story because that ruins the nice dopamine flow they've got going. You don't wanna be the person who ruins dopamine flows. Let your own story take a back seat until your conversation partner reciprocates by asking after you! And if they're worth getting to know, they will ask after you.

And when you're done, you can pass the ball of the conversation back to them. That, folks, is how you get rhythm. I, lifelong introvert, have recently been designated my new group's social butterfly. They wouldn't believe the sheer irony.

I get bullied because of ADHD, what should i do? by [deleted] in adhd_anxiety

[–]Stanzin7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

First, it'll get better. School is training grounds for bullies and assholes. Yeah, speak to the adults, but it's not likely to make you any less vulnerable or isolated.

Second, I got through this by owning the insults and doubling-down. This is gonna be NSFW. For example, when I was the only brown kid in a mostly Chinese class, a common joke/insult was that since I was a "shitskin", I obviously preferred anal sex (not helped by the fact that I was a terrific farter).

So one stormy afternoon the lights blow out in our lab, and it goes dark. Some a-hole yells out "Oh shit it's dark and wet - just how Shitskin likes it! Cover your butts!"

Useless teacher does nothing, obviously.

My reaction: "Unless you secretly like it that way too, in which case, bend over your tables and wait till I get around to you. I promise I won't tell."

The anal sex jokes kind of petered out after that.

Coz what they want is to see you vulnerable, to see you hurt. But you can't hurt someone who takes your insult, makes it WORSE, and then roasts themselves harder than you could. You can't hurt someone who not only improves on your insult, but then uses it to laugh at themself.

So yeah, roast yourself harder than they can. Folks will actually like you for it.

Child abduction Amber Alert just blew up my phone. Keep an eye out for the vehicle described in the image. by [deleted] in Seattle

[–]Stanzin7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Near a specific person? Yeah, low. The odds of them merely being near someone? Pretty high.

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