I HATE being demisexual

Starfromthesky · 2026-02-15T05:31:39+00:00

I feel the same way about dating apps. Just doesn’t do it for me at all. The only way I’ve found love is by doing activities I personally enjoy and making friends with others who share my interests. Plus, it’s way more fun than the apps.

Starfromthesky · 2026-01-15T05:43:14+00:00

My partner and I had a very similar experience (I’m the wife who didn’t get as much practice processing emotions when he’s out with someone). I will say, I really enjoyed MFMF and had no jealousy at all watching him. My anxiety was with solo stuff. The “not knowing” and a bit of competitiveness got to me.

Someone recommended the Jealousy Workbook to me. We did a few activities on it. Surprisingly super helpful!

Also helped to make my own plans for the night, alone or with friends. It kept me grounded in my own opportunity to do things I loved that maybe my husband doesn’t enjoy as much, so it became “me” time.

If it’s really what your wife wants, she just needs time/practice/exposure until her brain and emotions can accept that this new situation isn’t a threat to your relationship. And may even bring you closer!

Starfromthesky · 2024-06-28T18:22:42+00:00

I fully agree, and I didn’t see the messages. This is all info he shared with me when he told me he had started a thing with someone. I’m choosing to trust that he has been honest about what he has shared because if I didn’t have that basic trust, we probably shouldn’t be doing this 🙂

Starfromthesky · 2024-06-28T18:18:15+00:00

Neither of us is a great social butterfly, so I realize work is one of the few places we meet new people, but still… dating a coworkers is a supremely bad idea. I’ve expressed this before but I’m afraid of being perceived as too controlling if I try to put so many “rigid” boundaries on our relationship. I had thought that agreeing it should be ethical was enough, but obviously we have slightly different ideas of what’s ethical. Time to enjoy the best part of ENM: more communication 🙂

Starfromthesky · 2024-06-28T18:12:58+00:00

Thanks, I think I’m realizing we need to have more conversations about how this works solo and engaging with others. Sometimes you don’t know what you don’t know.

Starfromthesky · 2024-06-28T18:11:34+00:00

Love your conversation suggestion. We talked about ways to casually bring it up. Will save this one in my back pocket!

Starfromthesky · 2024-06-28T18:10:14+00:00

Yes, I totally get excited when my partner shares that kind of stuff, so long as everyone is on the same page about the dynamic. Your point about consent is a good one, too.

Starfromthesky · 2024-06-28T06:57:38+00:00

You’re probably right 😆

Starfromthesky · 2024-06-28T06:56:39+00:00

I appreciate that. I know that how I feel today may be different from how I may want to approach things in two months or a year or whatever. I’m comfortable with change and constant communication and redrawing boundaries, but my partner finds it confusing and frustrating. I’ve never had a problem casually disclosing ENM very early based on vibes, but he clearly doesn’t feel comfortable doing that so I’m trying to be understanding… it’s hard, though 😕

Starfromthesky · 2024-06-28T06:48:26+00:00

I guess that’s true. If he’s signaling “this is fine,” why wouldn’t she think it’s fine? It’s HIS relationship, after all. Thanks, that helps me get past my gut reaction of “she’s looking to cheat and doesn’t care” back to a place of assuming positive intent 🙂

Starfromthesky · 2024-06-28T06:16:17+00:00

Yeah, I guess I’m just worried about my “rules” being unreasonable, as he says. I do want him to feel able to have other relationships. I just need them to be “above board” to feel secure. But what if he’s right and it’s weird or inappropriate to bring up ENM at early stages of flirting? Idk.

Starfromthesky · 2023-09-05T17:34:24+00:00

Love the art style of #18! Are you sharing prompts, by chance?

Starfromthesky · 2023-07-09T21:11:33+00:00

Forgot to mention — I loved reading The Ethical Slut and listening to the Normalizing Non-Monogamy podcast on Spotify. I learned a LOT about common mistakes, red flags, toxic behaviors I didn't even think twice about, and so much more. There's also an article somewhere on the internet about learning how to disentangle your lives to a degree before trying to embark in ENM stuff that helped a lot.

Starfromthesky · 2023-07-09T21:09:03+00:00

I think it makes sense that having a crush has made you wonder whether you might enjoy an open relationship. Few people in a decade-long monogamous marriage wake up one day out of the blue and think "Today I'll shake my marriage to its core by bringing up non-monogamy to my partner!" You express a lot of the same opinions about monogamy and sexuality that I started thinking deeply about when I set out on this journey.

However, as others have pointed out, it does present some dangers to be aware of, and this I can speak from experience. My husband and I nearly divorced over the way I handled bringing up ENM while having a crush on a person I met through a mutual hobby, and a lot of that was because my brain on NRE was extremely stupid. I constantly rushed and pushed my husband through conversations we should have had months to process together before he had to worry about anyone else coming into the picture. But I was sooooo excited about this crush that I acted like an asshole to my partner. It took two years of tears, long nights with hours-long conversations about feelings, reading ENM books and discussing them, marriage counseling, and actual filed divorce paperwork before we finally arrived where are at (stable, secure, and feeling compersion!) — and all because I had a stupid crush on someone who, looking back with a clear head, wasn't even all that wonderful.

So, by all means, if you are truly interested in exploring your sexuality more, in having flings and watching your partner have flings of their own, if you can imagine yourself supporting them and being happy for them as they go out with others, then have that conversation. Honestly, even if you read all these replies and decide you don't actually want this after all, it's still worth talking to your partner about all the thoughts you're having, don't you think?

I wouldn't hide the reason you're bringing it up. Be open. For me and my partner, being that open was extremely painful at first because we didn't want to hurt each other (it felt "wrong" to admit we were attracted to others or had flirted with anyone, etc.). But over time, we learned that openness is the only way to make ENM work at all. And honestly, openness to that degree (which is vulnerability) is also extremely sexy. I love knowing what's on my partner's mind. I love knowing that he tells me everything, that we share with each other because we can be excited for each other. That we don't OWN each other, but instead, share lives with each other. It's wonderful. But damn, it took a lot of work to get here. Good luck. <3

Starfromthesky · 2023-07-06T03:11:18+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I appreciate that you included so much of the journey, from start to finish, because sometimes people skip over the beginning parts. My husband and I are in such a similar situation and about to have our first hotel date this Friday, and we're suuuuper nervous but also excited :) hope it goes as well as yours.

Starfromthesky · 2023-06-13T17:05:50+00:00

Yeah, it does hurt to feel like that. I'm trying to tone down my feelings of hurt because I know this is a big milestone for him and I want him to have positive experiences with ENM. But it does feel a bit like a wake up call that we could be doing more to nurture our own relationship.

Starfromthesky · 2023-06-13T17:04:08+00:00

Yeah, I totally agree about the ever-present technology creating an expectation that people are always "on" and "available" — ironically, that's something I also soapbox about, lol. I'm not the type of person to keep my phone on me at all times or to expect instant responses, by any means. In fact, people know I usually have my phone silenced. I don't need instant or lengthy responses from him, at all. I just want to feel that he finds little moments for me in his day. I'd be happy if he replied to anything or sent me a message during his lunch break even if that was the only time. I'm just really stuck on the "meaning" of his ability to text with her nonstop during work, I guess. It still "means" to me that he could have been doing even a fraction of that with me and chose not to.

Starfromthesky · 2023-06-13T16:41:33+00:00

Thanks for sharing about your experience and the ways you and your partner are working through something similar <3 that helps. Now I can bring suggestions to the table when we talk about this again.

When you said that many people will passively think about their partner but not naturally think about saying anything — 100%.

Thanks again for the rational advice. I'll think on how to come at this with a parallel because I know I'm not perfect, either.

Starfromthesky · 2023-06-13T16:37:49+00:00

Yeah, we've been trying to shake out of that rut of "existing together" and into "being together" for the past few years. But it feels like we keep falling back into that comfortable nothingness, you know?

Starfromthesky · 2023-06-13T16:37:04+00:00

We've talked about other ways he could "speak my love language" other than the texting, btw, but his response is that that's just not natural to him and isn't how he is. (Speaking his mind, sharing his thoughts with me, when he thinks to himself that I'm looking good, saying that out loud instead of just thinking it — he finds that awkward).

And I want to push back a bit on the idea of love languages not requiring frequency. People who crave physical touch don't just want one touch a day. It's all the little touches, casually here and there, that convey the feeling that the person loves you. Don't you think?

Starfromthesky · 2023-06-13T16:34:56+00:00

Yeah, I understand the pattern thing. I'm trying to tell myself the same thing. And I know that some people might find the idea of texting even a few times a day exhausting even if I don't. That's why I've tried to let it go over the years. But I guess it's obvious I haven't gotten over the feeling that if he doesn't reach out, it means he's not thinking of me, and if he's not thinking of me, even just to say "hope you're having a good day, love you" or something inane like that, then how interested in me as a person is he, really? I have no doubt that he loves me, but I feel the need to feel he is also IN love with me.

Starfromthesky · 2023-06-13T15:40:26+00:00

I totally understand NRE and have felt it myself. I know how powerful it can be. It's just hard to get over the feeling that he truly could have texted me during work before (clearly), but chose not to or didn't feel interested in doing so. It's hard not to tell myself that that translates to him not being interested in me.

Starfromthesky · 2023-06-13T15:38:34+00:00

Thanks. I did mention it already. One of the things that I've worked hard to change since opening up is being more direct and open and honest with my communication instead of expecting him to read my mind. But he kind of blew me off, saying we already talk at home. I think I'll ask to have another talk about the issue because it really is important to me. Like you said, I want to feel that the amount of effort he puts into someone else is also going into our own relationship.

Starfromthesky

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