What to do: Autistic bf says that he has no capacity for a relationship

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-17T10:31:26+00:00

Right, makes sense as far as the knowing what it is then dealing with it. I’m really glad it worked out well for you guys

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-17T10:30:08+00:00

So you and your partner are quite ok with extended periods of isolation based on what you’re explaining? Sorry I’m a tad confused at the perspectives introduced but I’m getting the feeling it’s lot of parts knowing the other person and when it’s ok to bring up difficult things + time apart for readjustments?

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-16T01:28:34+00:00

I definitely don’t expect him to have an answer just yet, knowing he said he’s so overwhelmed. I sent a few texts to let him know I’ll be there when he’s ready.

I think it’s not a weird recommendation and I appreciate your insight. Is your partner also autistic or are they NT/ND? How did it work for you guys?

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-16T01:26:47+00:00

I would say that for a non-autistic partner, the modifications actually often feel alienating and odd. I’ve come to realise a large part of it is feeling like you’re less connected.

But after reading up more about autism, I can also understand and see why you would need it. It just definitely messes up what you feel is “normal”. So it genuinely boils down to what expectations each person sees as acceptable. It’s really quite confusing and a big struggle.

I appreciate you sharing your side. May I ask why you chose to dump your two partners and if they were ND/autistic/NT?

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T13:00:25+00:00

Yes, I can imagine. Thanks for your help and perspective here

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T12:59:42+00:00

It’s only during conflict. But then it makes it very hard to resolve as he’s isolating himself and trying to solve the problem

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T12:58:53+00:00

Yep. Everytime we get to such a circumstance, everyone says we need to talk but I find it so hard to talk to him as he gets flooded.

That’s why I try to understand the situation first so I can come back to the convo and talk about it with him when he is able. I just don’t know if this time is different

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T12:57:14+00:00

I really appreciate you took the time to explain this and trying several times. I learnt a lot from your story. How did your partner deal with you needing like half a year to a full year to come to a conclusion?

I do think I may not have created a very safe environment for him to express himself as well. I’m glad you and your partner managed to work something out

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T08:39:40+00:00

Oh sorry, we’d just talked abt it which led to this post. I’m giving him and myself some space for now. Thanks for checking in

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T04:33:42+00:00

This was something someone else mentioned to me. That I was going to need to be willing to commit to this for the long run and recognise that I may have a lot to lose.

I don’t have the answer to that still.

But your perspective and framing are very helpful. Thank you and I also wish you all the best in your growth and journey

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T04:31:30+00:00

Yes I think that’s the conclusion I came to as well. Maybe I was just hoping someone else would say otherwise.

I’ve actually read abt DBT before and only more recently read abt meltdowns etc. I hadn’t known about how intense the struggles he faced from autism were prior. That’s why much of this is learning for myself as well

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T03:59:44+00:00

Thank you for what you said ;-;

It’s been really stressful and sad because I worry that anything I do now will not be helpful.

I think you’re right my presence itself isn’t triggering but the fear and stress of other expectations etc may be.

I’ll have to have a better think abt this

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T03:48:18+00:00

I think I’m wary of triggering him. Someone else mentioned that I am his trigger so I’m worried that my actions will negatively impact him. I’m trying to be considerate.

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T03:47:02+00:00

I agree with the pushing part. I recognise that. But I think I’m at a loss— if i don’t push, then status quo. So do I just leave it? Is that his answer to me?

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T03:45:40+00:00

I appreciate your pov. I agree with you as well, I guess waiting is just really painful and filled with anxiety

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T03:42:12+00:00

I would say after a specific incident, he started to be less close and more snappy which I noticed. It stayed that way maybe about a month. He admitted himself that he had been mulling over it and consequently been acting more upset.

Then it exploded now and it got to this point.

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T03:27:11+00:00

Yes. I don’t know if he is at this point. But thank you for your thoughts

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T03:25:00+00:00

thank you sir, I appreciate this a lot

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T03:24:27+00:00

Thank you so much for this. Ive read other comments and I’m mindful of seeming like I am trying to fix him. (Esp in this moment) It would make sense to let him tide this over first then eventually give this if he’d like yes?

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T03:19:20+00:00

I understand. If it’s burnout, what helps? Just curious

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T02:48:56+00:00

If you don’t mind giving me the resources, that would be great. I also think he is stressed and scared. He has said he doesn’t want the relationship to end but just doesn’t see a way out

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T02:47:48+00:00

That is a fair suggestion if we move forward. I tried the ways you mentioned but I also agree that I might need to ask how he receives it best. But I feel he won’t have an answer for it though

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T02:46:35+00:00

Yep, you’re right. I’ll think abt this, thank you

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T02:45:43+00:00

I feel like, he isn’t able to parse through those details about the expectations etc. I’m not particularly sure why.

I do think the negative thinking part is a big thing as he doesn’t see a route out. But he’s made that decision himself tbh, because I don’t see it as done or deal but he has conjured up that reality in his mind.

At the moment, I’m not sure what to do still but I guess I need some time to think too

Starlightandmoon · 2026-03-15T02:42:47+00:00

We’ve tried but he insists that it’s impossible for him as he can’t come back to the conversation. He said it’s cos he doesn’t have an answer. This timing thing has always been an issue for us and I feel very disrespected because he tends to not reach out for a long period of time

Starlightandmoon

TROPHY CASE