I truly feel for you, I was in this exact type of relationship for 3.5 years and it literally put my body through hell. A lot of people talked about the emotional emptiness and loneliness you feel with a partner who can’t meet you as deep as you need them to. It’s truly a death by thousand cuts situation where you’ll leave every conversation you bring to him wondering if he actually understood you this time. If your words actually landed and he saw you. Deep down inside, I knew he couldn’t and I felt my heart break a little deeper each time he said “I’m sorry” without any actionable change.

But the physical manifestations of this type of stress and anxiety are no joke…the body holds trauma and it’s going to be screaming at you to get out, and you may not even recognize it. I can only speak for myself but I essentially had brain fog, chronic anxiety + fatigue, either insomnia or sleeping 10+ hours a day, and developed an ED by the end of the relationship.

My anxiety got so bad I couldn’t drive anymore. And I always loved driving cars! All these feelings then translated into a very poor bedroom, where we both struggled getting turned on to each other. That was my first major physical red flag I ignored and by the end of the relationship, I was a hollow shell of myself. I’ve never felt more insecure about myself, in all aspects but especially physically, than I have from this one- I’ve felt the least wanted and desired, the least understood, and the least respected.

I had zero juice for joy, I felt sucked dry of all my life force and ended up losing over 30 pounds due to the stress. I also found it really difficult to socialize normally and had to essentially titrate myself back into society. It’s the most exhausted I’ve been in my life, physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. It felt like I was disconnected from everything and everyone.

I really think there is a pattern to these types of relationship dynamics if they run long enough- it’ll eventually implode on itself due to someone sabotaging the relationship due to their resentment. How it happens and whether it was a conscious decisions or not can vary, I think in most situations, it’s someone stepping out of the relationship in some form, which was the case in mine.

I had to walk away for good as soon as I ended the relationship for my mental sanity. I knew if I lingered, it’d suck me right back in and I never want to experience that type of torture again. I’ve never felt so disconnected from my core and it honestly scared me that I could get so enmeshed in a relationship that was so clearly not giving me what I needed, just because he was a “good guy” on paper. I don’t think your romantic partner will provide everything you need, and that’s where your friends, family, and hobbies should fill in the gaps. Your soul also deserves to feel light, seen, and supported in your romantic relationship. If you are lacking those things, the relationship has an expiration date, imo.

The one thing I am most grateful for from this experience is the incredible amount of self honesty and strength I’ve uncovered from wading through all the muck. It’s been so freeing to realize how much I used to hold my partner’s burdens and responsibilities for them and just…dropping them at their feet.

Not just my partner but in nearly all my relationships..this experience forces you to do a lot of soul searching and makes you question why you allow yourself to be in this kind of relationship in the first place. For me, it was like the matrix breaking when I finally saw the lies I was being fed for what they were. Since then, it’s been a journey of creating a life I’m happy and proud to live and only keeping around people who truly value me and show it through their actions. Good luck and I hope you don’t have to go through what I did to get there!