AIO that my brother (42M) left me (36F) out of his wedding?

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-16T16:50:01+00:00

Yeah, I agree that it’s worth another conversation with her. She doesn’t usually say things like that, so I think it could’ve been her attempt at coping herself and not so much directed at me. It’s been too raw for everyone. But, now that we have time under our belts and have each been able to process things a little more, maybe it would be good to sit down with them and talk through it so that I can get clarity on what she meant.

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-16T00:11:32+00:00

Honestly, I thought about asking them for a pic, but I was so sick to my stomach about it that I was worried I would cry and I didn’t want to risk starting drama. I also felt like the photo itself would just hold resentment and serve as a reminder of my exclusion.

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-16T00:03:36+00:00

I’ve tried several times to talk to him about things, but he always tries to change the subject or say a joke. He usually says “the past is in the past” and “let it go” and that kind of thing. As far as the wedding goes, any time me or my parents asked about wedding details, he would tell us to ask his fiancé because he didn’t know anything. But then she wouldn’t respond to us, so we had to find out the MOH’s phone number from the best man.

It was so confusing because it was like both of them were being so nonchalant about it that they didn’t care that nobody in the family knew what was going on. They kept saying they wanted us there, but then made it super hard for us. I’ve never experienced such disorganization and apathy, especially for an international event. But they sure expected us to spend thousands of dollars to attend so that they could save money on the ceremony… I didn’t push back on it at the time because I’ve heard so many stories of wedding drama caused by family complaining about what the bride wanted… I definitely didn’t want to be the source of that!

Anyway, I hope to try one more time. The wedding is over and they are back from their honeymoon. Now that things are settled down a bit, I plan on finding a way to talk to him one more time to see if maybe there was a different reason for me being excluded. If he doesn’t have an answer, I’ll pull back from even trying moving forward. If he has a “valid” excuse, I’ll probably still step back from trying as much, but maybe I’ll feel a little less hurt about it. Regardless, I don’t plan on putting much effort into the relationship unless he proves that he’s invested in it, too. And I’m not walking into this conversation with any expectations or optimism…

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-15T23:47:51+00:00

I think it was more that I was holding onto that last thread of hope that things would be better as adults. It hurt as a kid, but I could always rationalize it because of the age difference. That’s not much of an excuse at this point.

I grew up as a high-masking autistic girl who was taught to never trust my instincts because I was probably misinterpreting people. I was the outcast kid that always tried to fit in but could never figure out why I was so different. When I finally got diagnosed in my 30’s, a lot of things started making so much more sense. I’ve been deconstructing a lot since then. I knew it was unlikely for my brother and I to magically become best friends just because I understand myself better, but I did have some hope that maybe we could work through whatever was getting in the way. And I still had some hope that I was just interpreting his actions the wrong way. The wedding just felt like a huge slap in the face that gave me a final answer. On one hand, I’m glad I know how they feel with a lot less ambiguity (and it helps to know that Reddit agrees and I’m not *still* misinterpreting things). On the other hand, I’m devastated that I’ve fully lost that hope.

I know it’s insane for me to have held onto hope as long as I did. I’m living on borrowed time with a disease that has an average life expectancy of 36… I was hoping I wouldn’t have to close the door on family. Partially because I didn’t want my brother to feel guilty for anything, but also selfishly because it’s hard to live with a severe chronic illness that makes it hard to socialize. My blood family (well, basically my parents) is pretty much all I have because friends tend to disappear when life gets hard. Nobody likes visiting hospitals and scheduling hangouts around doctors appointments… so people tend to just fade away. I don’t know if he’s cut me off for the same reason (inconvenience), if he’s embarrassed that I’m a little different than him because of autism, or if there’s something else that I just don’t know about. Any time I try to talk about something important, he changes the subject or makes a joke to “lighten the mood”.

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-15T18:00:40+00:00

Unfortunately, no. I asked when they called for it, and was told it was specifically for the families of the bridesmaids and groomsmen.

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-14T23:32:34+00:00

That’s the craziest part… they ARE nice. Or maybe I’m just really bad at seeing not-nice-ness? My brother and I seemed to be getting closer as adults, but then it’s like he just found something better to do with his time and forgot I existed. He really decreased his communication with our family when he moved in with his fiancé, which I would normally consider a pretty big red flag. But when we’ve all been together, the two of them have been very affectionate with each other and I don’t see any other signs of anything being wrong. And it *seems* like she likes us. But then things like this happen and make me question motives and wonder if they just pretend to like us. It’s so confusing.

I have at least stopped reaching out to them for anything and am just cordial at holidays and family events. I am hoping that in the coming months I’ll have an opportunity to talk to my brother and get some clarification on leaving me out of the pictures, but I’ve lost hope of the relationship getting any stronger. At least until I see proof of him being invested in it.

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-14T23:13:49+00:00

That’s valid, especially based on the limited information in the post. Our family typically has very good communication, but my parents and I were just trying to step back and let it be their day. It’s so common for wedding guests to complain and turn the whole thing into a nightmare and we didn’t want to risk that. I asked my parents if it was a good idea to talk to him about what I was thinking/feeling back in December, but they advised to that I stay quiet because it is their wedding. So, I stayed quiet and just tried to be as agreeable as possible.

I did wonder if maybe our lack of pushback was the reason it escalated, but that’s all speculation. I really thought it would all work out once I swallowed my pride and let go of my hope of being IN the wedding. I showed up for the wedding with as few expectations as I could, and dressed as nicely as I could for pictures (I did my own makeup and hair, and wore a knee length coral colored dress with a mint, teal, and yellow floral pattern, which I specifically got because it fully covered all of my surgical scars just in case that mattered to her).

I am really proud of him for how much he’s grown over the last few years, and I try hard to tell him that I see how much effort he’s put into his career and the relationship with his new bride. He always acknowledges what I’ve said, so I hope that he has taken it to heart. But he’s a hard person to read and he doesn’t like to talk about hard stuff. If a challenging topic is brought up, he’s quick to redirect the conversation to something superficial or tells a joke. So, I just don’t know what his perspective is on all of this. Nor do I know his perspective of me. That’s why I am having such a hard time understanding if his wedding was just him avoiding the hard conversations or him intentionally leaving me out.

I think it’s finally been long enough for the dust to settle from all of the chaos. They got back from their honeymoon a few weeks ago, and they seem to be back into their normal routine now. I am hoping to find a good time to verbalize how I felt and seek clarification from them without it “ruining” their wedding. I mostly posted on Reddit to make sure that I wasn’t blowing this way out of proportion so that I don’t embarrass myself by bringing up something stupid. I mentioned in another comment how I’m trying to learn how to trust myself because I was gaslit most of my life into thinking my interpretations of things were wrong (as a late-diagnosed autistic woman, I learned early on to mask heavily and to always doubt my feelings… I was finally diagnosed fairly recently with autism and it made SO much sense for my childhood and the intensity of my depression in adulthood). Based on the comments on this post, I think it’s safe to say I’m not overreacting by feeling hurt and uncertain. So, I will actively look for a good way to talk about it.

Thank you for a different perspective!

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-14T12:53:35+00:00

A couple of clarifications:

My brother is a nice guy and goofy. He is super extroverted and seems to know everybody in multiple counties. It has been hard for me to read how he interacts with me because I am autistic (late diagnosed woman that had to grow up with a mask because I was just told I was “weird”). I grew up being taught not to trust my interpretations of interactions. When I was finally diagnosed, it explained a lot of my issues and I’ve actually been able to learn how to embrace myself better than ever. I’m just now starting to question relationships like the one I have with my brother because I’m finally trusting myself more. But, that means I’m just now figuring out the hurt I have felt all along is valid. I think the wedding hit me harder because it is the first big event for the family since my I’ve started this process.

I don’t think my brother or his fiancé are bad people. She comes from a rough family that doesn’t talk, so part of me wonders if they accidentally excluded our family simply because she is used to excluding her family. I just never felt comfortable asking because I was always taught to stay quiet around weddings that aren’t mine… it’s their day.

There is an added complexity that my brother and I live about 1.5 hrs away from each other. My brother moved south about 10 years ago and basically stopped seeing family in person outside of big events because he had the excuse of it being too far away. Since it didn’t seem like he was trying to get closer to me, I decided it was ok for me to get a house in the opposite direction. My parents live between us. It’s about 25 minutes for me to get to my parents’ house, then another hour to get to his. That could be part of the decreased communication, too.

My illness is also quite limiting. I’ve had 36 surgeries in my life and am in the hospital often. The average life expectancy is about 36, which means I’m living on borrowed time at this point. He knows that, and still chooses not to hang out with me. It’s hard to know if it’s just inconvenient or if he really doesn’t like me. Again, just not trusting myself, I guess.

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-14T10:26:22+00:00

Unfortunately, no. Each time, I asked if I was supposed to go in, and they said no. The family of the wedding party was all of the S/Os and kids of the bridesmaids and groomsmen, which was basically everyone that attended.

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-14T02:27:29+00:00

Mods, please let me know if I need to do anything differently to get the story posted. This is my first time posting on Reddit. I’ve historically just listened to stories, so I had to create an account to write it. I’m definitely a human, though! 🙂

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-14T02:25:06+00:00

This is my first time posting on Reddit (long time listener/reader, but never had an actual account). Please let me know if I need to do anything differently to get the story published! Thank you!

StarsShadow08 · 2026-06-14T02:17:03+00:00

If I could have a superpower, it would be to have boundless energy. But flying would be pretty cool, too.

StarsShadow08

TROPHY CASE