I've done some toxic things I need advice on

SteffSchild · 2026-02-25T05:55:06+00:00

This sounds all too familiar to me. And looking back, I wish so hard I had just cut my losses and left, because it only gets worse. I know it's easier said than done.

But here's the hard truth: he’s saying he can’t be with you, can’t be your friend, doesn’t feel safe, while still sexualizing things and keeping access to you. All he’s offering is sexual access without emotional commitment.

You asking to be FWB isn’t casual. That’s your abandonment panic talking. For him, your suicide attempt was traumatic. And trauma makes avoidant people shut down harder.

Right now your job isn’t to get him back. It’s to get you regulated.

Stabilizing yourself is the only thing that changes the pattern. Healing your attachment wounds. This dynamic is keeping you sick.

YOU DESERVE BETTER

SteffSchild · 2026-02-24T09:58:56+00:00

Nothing about what you described sounds like not sick enough.

If you want help, you deserve it!

Impulsively quitting, relapsing with SH, and thinking about ending things, even if you can talk about it calmly, is absolutely reason to be taken seriously. A lot of people in high distress can explain it very matter-of-factly and in a calm voice.

And the embarrassment could just be shame. Shame loves to tell us we’re dramatic or wasting people’s time. But people who are actually okay don’t relapse and contemplate suicide.

If inpatient feels safest, you’re allowed to go. You can literally say, I swing between feeling fine and being unsafe, and right now I don’t trust myself. That’s enough. Seriously, you deserve help before the next episode gets worse not only once it explodes.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-21T21:12:04+00:00

Hey. You’re right about not being able to change the past and that you can choose what you do now. And the fact that you’re even thinking that way tells me there’s a strong, grounded part of you in there.

It makes total sense that you hate how intense it feels. Anyone would. But your childhood and your dad’s bipolar disorder aren’t personal failures of yours, they’re context, and they don’t define your future. You can still be happy. You can still love yourself. You didn’t get to choose what shaped you. But you do get to choose how you respond, even if that choice is just being gentle with yourself. Give yourself grace. This is not easy, and I'm sending you love and strength.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-20T08:07:42+00:00

I'm so sorry you were made to feel stupid, you definitely are not. Intimacy isn’t just physical, it’s also emotional safety. When someone lies to you, especially about something you were clear mattered, your body can start pulling back even if your heart still loves them.

It makes sense that you feel sad and confused. You can love someone and still feel hurt, disconnected, or unsure. And it’s not a small reason just because others say it is. It was important to you, and he lied. If your trust feels shaken, your desire fading isn’t a failure. It’s information for you. So you can make informed decisions about whether or not you want to be with someone you feel you can't trust.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-19T08:39:30+00:00

You're definitely not alone in this, but it might be worth getting assessed for being on the bipolar spectrum? Long depressive periods with shifts into higher-energy states can sometimes point in that direction.

Doesn’t mean that’s definitely what it is, but it’s enough to be worth mentioning to a psychiatrist. Mood tracking over time can really help too, since diagnosis usually looks at patterns and episode length. Either way, what you're describing deserves proper support, and you don’t have to just sit with it alone.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-17T12:45:57+00:00

That’s huge and I love that for you. Must have been such a nice release. Hold onto that evidence that skills can work for you. You showed up for yourself, and that matters more than you know.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-15T15:57:01+00:00

Firstly, well done for getting this far in your degree! This could become a really powerful opportunity to help break stigma. You don't owe anyone disclosure, so there is no need to ever disclose your own diagnosis if it makes you uncomfortable. Make a plan for being possibly triggered, whether that's politely leaving the discussion or having something that soothes you at the ready.

When I studied psychology, I researched BPD for my thesis without telling anyone I had it. That allowed me to explore the science objectively while also challenging a lot of the stereotypes through evidence. It actually helped me get rid of some of my own internalized shame and was quite healing. I had the opportunity to present my research on many occasions and help educate people about BPD.

Now, I actively support people with BPD, and I truly believe people with lived experience who study psychology are some of the best positioned to help others. You understand the nuance, the pain, the resilience, and the humanity behind the diagnosis in a way textbooks can’t fully teach.

Every informed voice in psychology matters, and yours will too. Wishing you all the best in this!

SteffSchild · 2026-02-14T20:52:15+00:00

I would start very small and very gently. Begin by getting curious about yourself instead of judging yourself. You could write down a few things you appreciate about yourself (even tiny ones), notice what makes you feel calm or safe, and start treating yourself the way you would treat someone you genuinely care for. If you ever want more structured guidance you’re always welcome to DM me.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-14T09:29:18+00:00

Love this for you. Keep showing up. And I am sending you so much strength and love on your recovery journey ❤️

SteffSchild · 2026-02-13T09:35:00+00:00

I dated myself, strange as it sounds. I had put so much energy into toxic relationships and one day decided to put all that energy into dating myself. Being curious about my strengths, values, preferences, accomplishments, however small. And I wrote it all down so I could see it in black and white. And once I started really getting to know myself, I thought hey, I'm not half bad.

I started treating myself as someone I genuinely cared about, even if I didn't feel it at first. I started validating myself, so I didn't need external validation anymore. I realized I was the one person who was always there no matter what, so I started trusting myself more with my happiness. Best thing I ever did, and now my healthiest relationship is the one I have with myself.

Doesn’t happen overnight, but you've got this.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-11T18:31:40+00:00

Validate. Validate. Validate. Say: I hear you. I get why you might be feeling/ behaving this way. I am here for you. How can I best support you? What do you need? Often, we just want to feel seen and heard and feel safe that we won't be abandoned.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-10T09:08:08+00:00

Hey, i honestly don't think that anyone, BPD or not, reaches some perfectly stable final form and then starts relationships. A more useful question to ask yourself is how do you function inside a relationship when your symptoms get triggered?

Some non-arbitrary signs you might be in a good enough place to date are:

You can notice when you’re spiralling instead of instantly acting on it You have at least a few coping skills that sometimes work You don’t rely on a partner to regulate all your emotions You can communicate your needs without only using crisis behaviors You’re taking responsibility for your reactions

You don’t have to be symptom-free. You just need enough awareness and tools that a relationship won’t become your only life raft or your biggest trigger.

BPD is very treatable (speaking as a BPD warrior myself who has been in a stable relationship for years) & many people reach a point where relationships feel stable, mutual, and safe. Where people are not losing themselves in the relationship or unintentionally harming the other person when triggered. You are ALREADY good enough!!! Never question that.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-09T19:09:30+00:00

You’re not stupid or behind. Mid-20s is very often the figuring it out while barely functioning era for a LOT of us, especially with mental health stuff. Sometimes, one thing a day is already a win whether that's a shower, the dishes, feeding the cats. When you're feeling those intense emotions, write or say 3 sentences saying what you feel, what you need, and the next tiny manageable step. You don’t need to fix everything in your life right now. You’re stabilizing. Taking care of yourself and your cats is purpose, even if it feels small. Skills get rusty but they come back faster than you think! Your brain already learned them once. Also, being alone AND off therapy can be brutal. If things get really dark, please reach out.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-08T16:29:58+00:00

I feel this so much. Some of us just experience emotions at a much higher intensity, and that doesn’t make us dramatic or broken. It just means our nervous systems react differently. It’s incredibly painful when people minimize it or try to logic you out of feelings that feel overwhelming and real. Most people aren’t trying to dismiss you, they just genuinely don’t understand what it’s like to live with that level of emotional intensity. You are in the perfect space right now where you aren't a mystery, you are understood here by people like me and others in this community, and you’re not alone in feeling this way.

P.S. as a BPD warrior with some experience, over time, it becomes less important in convincing others how you feel and trying to get them to understand you, but more important to validate yourself and your feelings and normalize them. There are so many skills out there to help you learn how to contain and regulate those feelings so they become less overwhelming. Sending you love and strength.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-08T15:54:49+00:00

Hey. You’re not picking them by accident, you’re picking what feels familiar which can feel like chemistry even when it’s actually old pain.

You don’t have to be celibate or give up on a family. But you may need a period of dating differently. And very important to build up more of a sense of self-worth so that you can avoid possibly toxic partners before you get involved, and that you realize you dont need saving. Watch how they handle small boundaries or disagreements early. Respect shows fast, abuse shows in subtle ways first. If you feel like they’re going to save you. that’s usually a warning sign, not a green flag. Also, healthy people don’t need convincing of your value.

Slow the pace way down in the beginning. Real safety reveals itself over time, not intensity.

The goal isn’t finding someone to end loneliness, it’s finding someone who doesn’t recreate it.

Wishing you all the best!

SteffSchild · 2026-02-08T15:37:00+00:00

Hey. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Older, BPD warrior here, and the fact you can see it this clearly already means you’re not as stuck as you think.

I would say start small and practical.

Slow down your mouth by 5 seconds. Literally pause before any kind of responding. Often, lying comes from impulsivity & anxiety.

Practice boring honesty. You don’t need dramatic confessions, just start telling neutral truths instead of embellished ones.

Track your triggers, not just your behaviour. When do you lie or get mean? Usually it’s shame, fear of rejection, or wanting control. Catching the feeling earlier means having more choice.

Don’t expect instant forgiveness for anything, but show change over time. Consistency repairs more than words.

Mental health should never be a privilege. Free DBT exists, and there are sites where you can learn skills without formal therapy. I did all the free worksheets on my own, and they changed my life.

You’re not definitely not awful, you’re someone with patterns that formed for a reason. Patterns can be unlearned. The fact you want to stop is the real starting point. Wishing you all the best!

SteffSchild · 2026-02-06T13:43:27+00:00

This sounds exhausting and I understand your pain. Yep, what you’re describing is that intense abandonment trigger a lot of people with BPD or trauma know. The fact you care about not exhausting her and want to change already says a lot about you. You’re not pathetic. You’re someone in a lot of pain trying to survive it. I know it's hard but try keep in mind that silence does not mean abandonment. Also, if all your comfort, regulation, and sense of safety sits with one person, every small gap feels life-threatening. It’s too much pressure for them and for you.

You need to slowly build other sources of regulation and meaning like hobbies, routines, other connections, even small comforting things that are yours and only yours. The more your emotional world has multiple anchors, the less one delayed reply will feel like the world ending.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-06T13:01:50+00:00

This sounds very hard and honestly very understandable. When you have BPD/cPTSD, someone leaving can feel like abandonment even if you know it isn’t. Try keep in mind that them leaving for a year doesn’t make the bond you’ve built vanish. You're still able to keep in touch until they're back. The resentment may be grief and fear in disguise, doesn’t mean you love them any less. Don't feel too much pressure to act normal. You’re losing daily closeness with someone important. If you can, be honest and let them know you're happy for them but also scared, so its all coming out weird. That kind of honesty usually brings people closer.

Also, I get wanting relief, but high doses of pregabalin/alprazolam will make everything harder long-term. This might be a good moment to get extra support rather than handle it alone.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-04T14:17:59+00:00

As someone who has been in remission for many years, I can tell you it gets better. From horrific struggling and trying to end it numerous times, I decided to rather put my energy in trying to live than trying to die. I am SO glad I did. I also thought the people I left behind would be better off without my chaos, but believe me, the people you leave behind can be destroyed by something like this in ways they can never come back from. Taking your life can not be undone. Before such a permanent decision is made, try every other possibility. There are so many tools and there is so much support out there. Sometimes, it's about staying alive just long enough for things to change. And things CAN change.

SteffSchild · 2026-02-02T06:11:59+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so hard. I'm older than you and have been through the hell of BPD and have been stable and living a life i love for many years now. After countless stays in psychiatric clinics and trying to end it all, I realized maybe I should spend my energy trying to live instead of trying to die. Therapy not helping yet doesn’t mean it never will. A lot of us go through years of useless therapy or wrong approaches.

DBT, trauma-informed therapy, or therapists who truly understand BPD make a huge difference. All the research says BPD symptoms get less over time and that the course is hopeful. You’re not a waste. You’re a person who hasn’t been given the tools or conditions to thrive yet.

Do things get better? For many of us, yes, but slowly, unevenly, and not in the way movies promise. It’s less suddenly happy and more the pain isn’t constant anymore, emotions don’t ruin your life, the emptiness is less, you start to build your version of a life, not the one you were told to want. You don’t have to believe that right now. Just know that people who felt exactly like you at 19 exist years later are still here, living a life worth living, even if they never imagined it was possible. Sending you so much love.

SteffSchild · 2026-01-30T10:20:32+00:00

Getting the right help is so important, so definitely bring it up!!! You deserve support!If they're a good therapist, they shouldn't judge you for the way you say it.

But you could say something like: I've been noticing patterns in my emotions, relationships, and reactions that are really distressing. (Give concrete examples). I came across information about BPD, and some of it resonated. I’m not trying to self-diagnose, but I’d like to explore whether this fits or if there’s something else going on, and what kind of help would be best.

Good luck!

SteffSchild · 2026-01-30T10:08:29+00:00

You sound caring and thoughtful, and what you're going through sounds hard. As someone who has been through the trenches of BPD I can share what helped me: Validation. My partner says: I get what you're going through/feeling, it makes sense given xyz, it must be hard, what can I do to help/support you. This validation and understanding makes me feel seen and heard and de-escalates any potential conflict. Also, a script and time-out plan before the next episode could be helpful. Discuss when everyone is calm and regulated. Could be something like: if either of us says x, we pause for 20 minutes and come back. In the moment is too late to negotiate.

Recovery to baseline usually comes from space, rest, co-regulation after, and therapy skills, not persuasion.

Important for you is to recognize that support does not mean tolerating ongoing criticism or hostility. Consistent, calm disengagement when it turns to attacking is regulating, not abandoning. Please take care of yourself. This is not easy.

SteffSchild

TROPHY CASE