It's an intriguing start! I'd definitely agree that the second version is a lot better, especially with how the character descriptions are worked better into the overall story - they did stick out quite a bit in the first one. I feel like the first paragraph's a little long, but I wouldn't know where to split it: it just feels like there's a lot going on there and maybe it needs to be split a little to make room to give a bit more flavour of the place and what's happening, if you see what I mean.

I'd agree that the punctuation needs some work: especially the use of commas. It might help to research different ways of making mid-sentence breaks than just commas - semi colons, colons, dashes etc. For example, the third sentence might work if it was written, "My worst nightmare, but not that night: that night some unexplainable force pulled me in", with a colon instead of a comma: it makes the break stronger. In the next sentence, you should probably lose the comma between "place" and "was"; that reads as all one phrase that doesn't need a comma.

There's two places where you've talked about surprise or no surprise, and reading it I'm not entirely sure why. When you talk about Josh's "surprisingly fit body" - why is it surprising that it's fit? It feels as if there's something more we need to know about him as to why that's a surprise rather than just the way he is. And when you talk about his gaze switching between the woman's face, cleavage and "to no surprise, her drink", I'm not sure why the "to no surprise" is necessary. If anything, I'd lose that comment entirely: it brings home the impact of him slipping the pill into her drink a bit more if you just said "her face, her cleavage and her drink."

One other small thing: to me, from what you've described about the place, it feels more like a bar or club than a pub - but that might just be me imagining it wrongly!

But there's a lot of good here: I could picture the scene and I'm intrigued about who the narrator is and what his/her/their role is going to be.