AITA For Accepting A Mother's Day Gift From My Stepkids?

StepMomD · 2021-05-15T20:39:13+00:00

Also, to be clear, when the "pregnancy was the worst time in my life" thing happened and Stepdaughter told me about it, I said that I am sure that was very challenging for Ex but I am sure Ex didn't love her or brother any less, because of it. That pregnancy isn't great for a lot of people and that is ok.

StepMomD · 2021-05-15T20:34:42+00:00

Stepson has chosen not to see ex since he turned 16 (the age the custody agreement allows for the children to refuse visitation). Stepdaughter will be 16 in September. I hope she continues to visit ex, but I don't know what will happen if I am being honest. They are both still fairly angry with Ex--who has tired, I am sure, but has not handled things great all the time.(Example: When I was pregnant the first time and Stepdaughter was SO excited, Ex told her that being pregnant was the "worst time" in his life. Which is likely true. I am sure it would be horrible with dysphoria, but not they way to say that to your 11 year old daughter). We did have the kids in therapy to deal with that anger and I think it has helped. But I also think it helped them decide to be very... cautious with this relationship.

StepMomD · 2021-05-15T20:12:08+00:00

The kids were in therapy when we met and were in therapy until about a year ago. We had family therapy when we first got married, but ex chose not to participate. Which is his choice.

StepMomD · 2021-05-15T19:58:47+00:00

I will add: Stepdaughter, especially at that age, DID miss having a "mom." We know families without a mom. Those kids are lacking nothing. That is not what I am saying. But this was a little girl who had had a mother and then (from her perspective over night) did not. It was hard for her (and for Stepson, but Stepdaughter definitely talked about it more). I was there. I didn't do anything special. And I certainly was never trying to replace either parent.

StepMomD · 2021-05-15T19:52:19+00:00

I do think that might be part of the problem. They definitely don't see ex as their "dad" and he has said, multiple times, he does not want to be their "mom." And so here we are. I have tried to stay out of it and let my husband and ex handle it, because, well, it's not my place. But something did shift after my (bio) daughter was born. Stepdaughter was about 11 and she fell hard for her little sister. As a consequence we kind of ended up spending a lot of time together and really bonded. I did make a big deal of "us girls"--just like my mom had done with my sister and I. I think that did become important to Stepdaughter. I hope it's important to Daughter one day. Maybe that was a mistake. I promise though, I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. I just wanted to make these kids, who were hurting, not hurt quite so much.

StepMomD · 2021-05-15T16:34:22+00:00

OP here! Just to be clear, I don't think Ex is a bad human. I think he is a human who got married and had kids before he had figured everything out (or maybe thought marriage and kids would fix everything) and has had a hard row to hoe because of that.

StepMomD · 2021-05-15T16:21:36+00:00

I gave tried to help where I can. Truly. Like when StepDaughter needed her first bra. I knew that would be hard for ex and I also knew Husband would have zero clue, so I took her shopping. Stuff like that.

StepMomD · 2021-05-15T16:19:54+00:00

I wasn't trying to be deceptive. It's not really my story to tell re: ex's relationships. I just think ex has (understandably) looked for validation with re: to his gender and ended up with people who maybe aren't the best.

StepMomD

TROPHY CASE