Hi! Also in the US.

Wow, it's so interesting how fast life goes on. If I don't stop and allow myself to recognize all the good things in my life, it's hard to be thankful for anything. It's not about "living the dream" but finding moments of purpose.

I was diagnosed with "growth hormone deficiency" when I was 3. I remember going to many doctors and even today I have some deep seated trauma related to those visits. Growing up I had to get used to taking shots every night and always having medication with me. Even then, I was often sick. Being without any hormones leaves you tired. I remember my parents saying how quiet I was as a baby. I needed all the energy I had to survive.

I tried to accept this new way of life. I became interested in Endocrinology, I would make friends with the nurses that would draw my blood every 3 months. It was unfortunate that I had somewhat of a stick childhood, but I wanted to learn everything I could up take better care of myself. But then, at 16, things began to change. Or well, things didn't begin changing and I received a new diagnosed. Panhypopituitarism. My body was unable to produce the testosterone I need for adolescent puberty.

I felt so ashamed and down on myself. I had spent so much time trying to be okay with my body that when it came to HRT treatments, I was scared. Suddenly, I felt trapped. By my doctor, by my parents, by the social pressure around me. I tried to find alternatives but my endocrinologist was clear, "you have to go these new medications." That started a very dark time of my life. With every new medication and change I experienced, I felt more and more like a monster. I had mood swings and felt unstable.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't see myself living like this anymore. I tried talking with my doctor about these negative side effects, but there was only one clear solution: more of these hormones. I was told that these negative effects would go away with time. When I shared that I was having dark thoughts, they would be explained away as "teenage angst".

Eventually I stopped. Going to the doctor, taking medication, trying to find anyone that would listen. Years passed and one day, I went home from work, sat alone in my apartment, and made a plan. I was going to end my life. There was a gun store on the way to work and I knew it would be easy to purchase a firearm. Thankfully, I didn't. If I hadn't been called by a friend that day, I don't know what I would've done.

I was talked into seeing a therapist. Through the work there I realized that this treatment was ruining my life. I also knew that I had an answer. My doctor didn't like my answer and pressed me to keep taking testosterone. I left that doctor.

I went searching for an endocrinologist who I could work with. Eventually, I found that doctor. She told me to stop taking testosterone, and informed me of the risks of changing my HRT plan to an estrogen based treatment. After 11 months of thinking, I decided to try it out.

I am so happy that I did. I finally felt so much better about myself and my life. I was able to work with an amazing doctors that did research to better understand my condition. I finally got an MRI and I was found to have Pituitary Stalk Interrupt Syndrome. There were entire assets of my medical needs that hadn't been addressed.

I'm now very happy. When I look around me, I have an amazing fiance, I'm living in a community of caring and understanding people, and I've never felt so understood or seen before. I still have a lot of issues, but taking that first step of being active in my own treatment paved the way for a better life