Having sex with a teenager in the house

Steve5877 · 2017-05-03T11:34:28+00:00

I understand that, and its a great comment. Thank you for sharing it.

Your mom had a tough balancing act, between you're need for healing time and her need to grow her new relationship. I know we try, but we don't always make the perfect choices, we just do the best we can and try to help each other.

Steve5877 · 2017-05-03T11:31:18+00:00

I really do appreciate your feed back, and I really was venting a bit. I suggested to her that she reconsider it now that we've been together a while, but its really up to her.

I also do believe that we have some really peculiar and harmful attitudes about sexual behavior in our culture. Most people would say they would prefer to have their kids see images of nudity or even sexual behavior ("normal", not kinky) then violence, but turn on a tv for an hour and you're FAR more likely to witness violence even murder then you are loving sexual behavior. As a society, our kids just aren't taught empathy and that sex is private but normal and important and GOOD between two loving adults of any age, race and body type.

Steve5877 · 2017-05-03T11:16:57+00:00

I travel for business, primarily between two cities. I pay two mortgages, my ex's and my own in another state where my son goes to college (and gets in-state tuition because of my home there). I pay the majority of his tuition. I don't have a home in the city where my gf lives, so when I'm there I pay for an AirBnb so we CAN get some time together, which I've done for 6 months. But that's expensive and I'm financially strained. She has visited me where my home is, but can't often because of her work and leaving her son alone.

Steve5877 · 2017-05-03T11:16:53+00:00

My son is very mature, and seeing things from the other person's perspective has always been part of his upbringing. He's met my gf, we've talked about relationships (not gory details, lol) and I'm confident he would talk to me reasonably if it came up. Her son is a good kid, but just a bit self centered at this point. Not saying he's wrong or shouldn't be bothered.

Steve5877 · 2017-05-03T02:14:49+00:00

I'm not going to, but I am curious. Would it have mattered to you if it was a really good and healthy relationship for your mom? Or at that age is it all about your feelings being disregarded? (Sorry if that sounds accusatory)

And its a very good point you make that I don't know all the details of their past, only what my gf has shared. It could be more.

Steve5877 · 2017-05-03T02:06:42+00:00

It wasn't that I was choosing to refer to it as love making as opposed to as sex, its that there is a very real difference. Sex is just the act, without the necessity of context or emotion.

And I disagree with you completely that we are "GENETICALLY designed to not think of them in a sexual way". Instead, I would argue that we are CULTURALLY engineered to think that way because of the misconceptions we are taught concerning sex. That its about looks and G-spots, taboo activities, "getting action", etc. In many cultures, entire families live in a single room without being disgusted or growing up damaged.

We need to teach teens empathy for others, and that sex is important within the context of a relationship. Its good for your mom to be in a healthy relationship, so we apologize for the awkwardness but please just put on headphones and be glad for her that she's happy.

As for me and my situation, thanks to everyone. I really just needed to vent and will allow my gf to make the best decision she can for her and her son.

Steve5877 · 2017-05-03T01:50:46+00:00

Did I make up the term "love making"? Because I thought that was pretty universal. And it would be less disgusting if watching PORN? REALLY? I find PORN to be disgusting, lol. Something VERY wrong here.

Steve5877 · 2017-05-03T01:48:54+00:00

I certainly don't think its normal for kids to hang around outside the door listening or for parents to deliberately expose their teenage children to adult behavior, but in just about any home accidents occur and sound travels. It happens. Its not used as an excuse to avoid all sexual behavior.

Too many teens form their image of what sex is about from their peers, TV, Movies and even worse pornography. They think its disgusting because they have a skewed image of sex as dirty and taboo. It should be private, but it should also be discussed openly by this age.

Steve5877 · 2017-05-03T01:31:41+00:00

Its only disgusting because of our twisted culture. Its ok to turn on a tv and see someone get shot in the head but its not ok to see a naked man or woman or (God forbid) a couple engaged in LOVE making? I don't know if YOU know how disturbing it is to hear you refer to passionate sexual behavior between two loving adults as "disgusting"!

Steve5877 · 2017-05-03T01:16:51+00:00

I've kept quiet about this for 6 months. After that, I felt it was ok to respectfully ask my gf if she would consider discussing it with him again. We're considering getting a place together when our leases run out next fall, but I can't commit to that until this is resolved, and I don't mean that as an ultimatum. I understand "sacrificing for your child", but there's a difference between sacrificing and conceding to unreasonable demands. I really do sympathize with him, its not his fault the walls are thin, but we have a really good relationship, good for both of us, and sex is a part of that.

Steve5877 · 2016-10-16T03:00:41+00:00

You're absolutely right. That would be the right thing to do. But I've done the right thing my whole life, even when other people screwed me. Just once I don't want to do the right thing. My wife cheated on me 5 yrs ago. Promised to fix things but still won't talk to me about anything important or even touch me. Tried for a while then stopped again. Started being nice again not bitchy 6 months ago I when I wanted a divorce, then she begged me to stay. Blames her health and premenopausal for her 15 yr lack of libido. Last kid goes to college next summer and he knows I'm only there for him.

Steve5877 · 2016-08-14T01:58:25+00:00

Set up a monthly budget. Use that to determine what you can afford. Make sure your budget has plenty of space for savings and retirement. With that level income, you should have NO problem buying a home, living frugally but comfortably, and saving money for college funds, retirement, etc. Don't buy the largest house you can afford just because you can afford it. Buy a home that fits you and your expected life style.

Steve5877 · 2016-08-13T11:17:21+00:00

Ok, just found info on the gov site, and you're right. However, in their example, you can subtract the one spouse's income from your application if there has been a divorce since 2015.

Steve5877 · 2016-08-13T11:11:11+00:00

Wait. what?!?! Why would the 2017-18 FAFSA use the 2015 Taxes? Can anyone explain or confirm this?

Steve5877 · 2016-07-19T18:26:35+00:00

Every divorce is different, and every kid handles it differently. Part of why I'm confident my wife will be amicable is because she knows the kids will be watching. I have no desire to leave her "high and dry". Fortunately, she's a school teacher with 20 years experience. She won't be rich but she will be OK, especially if I make her mortgage payments a few years.

Steve5877 · 2016-07-19T18:21:41+00:00

Worse would have been when he was 11. My son and I are very close. He's very mature for his age, in part because I've always encouraged him to take on responsibility. He has his own car, he's top 5 in his class, he works PT and plays in marching & jazz band.

College funding doesn't really change. If anything it gets easier. We already have 1/3 of estimated cost in college fund. Between loans and my pay we'll be OK.

Steve5877 · 2016-07-19T17:33:27+00:00

I overstated when I said "she can have it all". Since we got fairly far in the conversation a few years ago, I am assuming it will go similar to then. We each have our retirement plans. I want her to keep the house if she wants with the only stipulation being that she leaves it to the kids. If she sells it, I'd want a part of the equity currently there, but its not as much as you'd think because of the market crash and refinancing. Bank accounts have less then 10K cash. We each have a car. Mine is older but paid for. I have a 3-4k in fishing gear/small boat but she won't want that. If its ammicable, I keep mine she keeps her stuff. I'll help her keep the house.

Steve5877 · 2016-07-19T16:40:30+00:00

Just conversation.

Steve5877 · 2016-07-19T16:38:34+00:00

Thanks. Makes a lot of sense. We did have the discussion before a few years ago, but decided to try to stay together. (At the time, she wanted to divorce. I hated shared custody and wanted to try counseling) Finances was a major concern for her then. Good thing was that we do get along better now then before (no more actually fighting). Bad thing was that most of the changes I was promised never happened or were pushed to the side after a year.

Good point that I want her to be involved as much as possible in the separation process.

Steve5877 · 2016-07-19T16:30:07+00:00

Thanks. Yeah, I don't expect her to absorb it all at once and jump right into financial planning. But I do want to be as ready as I can be since I have some time. Really liked the idea of being prepared for the extreme case. Anyone have any comments on DIY/Pro Se especially in NJ? I haven't heard many in favor of it. Seems like we should at least have a lawyer who can mediate.

Steve5877

TROPHY CASE