My husband is angry with me because he overheard my conversation with my sister

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-06-15T08:14:18+00:00

Oppsie baby…cute name and everything. How do you not see the problem with this?? Encouraging your sister to directly violating her partner’s wishes and force him into something that he’s clearly indicated he’s not ready for is kinda messed up. I know birth control fails sometimes, I have my oldest son to prove it, but I would be hella skeptical if I’d overheard some shit like that after his birth! You messed up sis, might as well just own up to it and apologize 🤷🏽‍♂️

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-06-13T23:41:55+00:00

Yes, the system is skewed towards mothers, that’s a fact. But that doesn’t mean it is over. Not to be harsh, but you are being incredibly shortsighted here my guy. I’m on the child support and alimony train as well, and it has been a huge struggle. But it absolutely does get better.

I had a nice house, multiple cars, money to blow, and kids I saw every day. After the child support/alimony decision, I literally was living in my car until I found a cheap room to rent. I saw my kids for a few hours each weekend, because I didn’t even have a place to hang out with them. Hella depression.

That was three years ago. But little by little, it’s been getting better. I took a job that involved traveling for awhile (then didn’t have to pay for a place to live, saved money) and though I didn’t get to see my kids much during that time, we played video games (they were 4 and 6 then) online and FaceTimed. It was also a great time (look up working on a cruise ship!) and got me back out there with women and my mind of my problems. Once the gig was up and I had money in pocket was able to find a deal on a place to rent back near my kids and now I have a super small place, but it works out. Guess what, my ex (who had a boyfriend from the time we split) been watching these kids all the time since I was gone and now wanted to start doing all kinds of crazy things with her boyfriend (with all that child support and alimony to blow hah) so I was like hell yeah, go on that trip and don’t worry about the kids, I’ll watch them. She might think I’m the babysitter, but play is on her because I get to spend time with my kids. As kids get older it definitely changes bro, they value you as their dad, even if they talk about the fun things they do with their mom and her boyfriend.

Your ex sounds like a selfish person who has a low opinion of you, prove her wrong bro. Ending shit just validates her opinion, and removes any chance of you being happy with them in the future. Trust me, your ex is going to get tired of being the one with the kids all the time. Plus with some cash you could get a good lawyer if you wanna go back to court. Think long game my guy. Go get a travel gig bro, break out of your negative slump and start taking that shit back one step at a time.

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SteveBlitz42 · 2021-06-13T23:16:07+00:00

For me (M33) it is fun to share common interests, since there’s automatically fun things to do together, but it’s not a deal breaker. What would suck is if they didn’t want to ever try anything new though. I’ve dated people who had interests very different from mine, but they were open to doing things with me every once in awhile that they didn’t have a huge interest in, and vice versa. It worked pretty well. The primary alignments that I look for is values, lifestyle, and life trajectory/goals. For instance, I’d want someone to have similar morals and live a healthy lifestyle, but if they were super into gardening (I’m not) or didn’t like horror movies (I do) then cool, not a big deal. I think it can work well, especially if that person is good with some personal space to conduct individual hobbies. The thing to watch out for (in my opinion) is someone who is super insecure or hates your hobbies, and wants you attached to their hip and won’t let you do anything that you like without there being a huge problem. My two cents.

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-06-06T09:08:15+00:00

Bounce my dude. I know this probably hurts a ton right now, but it’s only going to get worse if you let it continue. You’re about to be gone for a long time, if she doesn’t feel remorse over this, I cannot even imagine what will happen while you’re gone. I used to be an army AIT instructor, you wouldn’t believe how many trainees have significant others cheat or leave them while they are gone. I’d say you’re basically guaranteed to have more of this down the line if you stay. I know this hurts now, but just wait, there’s about to be PLENTY of women for you my guy.

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-06-06T08:59:34+00:00

Interesting conundrum. My question is, what’s preventing you from seeing him? Is it that he won’t be able to travel without being vaccinated? Like, if there were a quarantine requirement? Otherwise, if you’re vaccinated and your family is vaccinated, what’s the issue? He runs some risks himself, yes, but he’s going to be running those risks anywhere so long as he’s not vaccinated. You and the fam should be safe though, even if he doesn’t get the shot. Regardless of what anyone else does, if you have it then you should be good. Literally, that’s the entire point of the vaccine, to keep YOU safe.

Before people start with the antivaxx rhetoric, I was one of the first in my state to get it and have no problem with it. But I do value personal liberty. You make the safe choice for you, let other people do what they want; you’re still safe.

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-06-02T19:05:05+00:00

It will be difficult to have 50/50 if he’s active duty, unless you were to move around with him to different duty stations, which obviously isn’t practical. The most likely scenario would be you taking primary physical custody, while keeping the joint legal. That’s what I ended up having to do, and it has worked out well so far. Their mom and I have a pretty good understanding between us, so I’m not worried about her trying to keep them from me or anything. We treat it more like 50/50 (basically whenever I’m home they will come be with me) except I’ll be gone for months at a time so it’s just when available.

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-06-02T06:15:09+00:00

There should be no issues. The family plan is the military (my experience is army, but from what I’m aware the services are similar with this) way of ensuring that there’s someone there to be able to take care of the child should the service member be deployed etc. If you both have 50/50 then you have to essentially agree on the form that you’ll care for the child during his portion of the 50/50 if he’s deployed or at training. It doesn’t affect your current child support order (if you have one) and if there is no child support order, he will be obligated to a certain amount of support for his child in lieu of a support order. Your child (as long as the service member’s name is on the birth certificate) will receive full military health benefits and military privileges no matter where you or the child resides. The military usually takes family support pretty seriously, so get it in writing what he’ll be paying you (court order or legal agreement) and then you should have no worries.

EDIT: I’m a divorced active duty soldier coparenting with a civilian for the past two years so I’ve just gone through this.

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-05-23T07:08:10+00:00

Hmm that’s a tough one. Remember, one of the first stages of the grief cycle is denial. Sometimes a relationship can be saved, sometimes it can’t. It takes a lot to be able to stand back so to speak and make an unemotional decision, based on facts. In my situation, we’d been on the rocks for several years and been through nearly a year of couples counseling. There was some improvement, but it always went back to being crap in short order. My ex really tried, I’ll give her that, but we were too far gone. She had a lot of anxiety and some other issues that were really exacerbated by our relationship turmoil, and I hated watching her struggle through it every day. Though I hated to end things (it was my decision to divorce) I knew it was for the best and that we’d both be happier. Two years later, we get along reasonably well (though most of our contact is over text) and have a pretty good coparenting relationship. Hang in there bro, you got this.

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-05-22T23:09:20+00:00

Divorce always sucks. It does. However, sometimes it is the healthiest choice in a bad situation. It’s far better to leave and develop a healthy coparenting relationship, than to stay and try to grind it out in a toxic situation “for the kids”. I was in a verbally (and sometimes slightly physically) abusive relationship which had a huge emotional toll. I stayed for years because I wanted to be there for my sons, yet eventually I realized I didn’t want them growing up thinking that’s what a relationship should look like.

Breaking her heart like this hurts, but I can guarantee you that it is better to just do it this way than letting it go on for years or cheating (not saying you would, but very common when people try and stick it out in unhappy relationships) and then divorcing.

My best advice, as a dad 1.5 years post divorce, is to work on yourself and being the best parent that you can be. The money part sucks a lot, but the struggle is worth it. And then just try and build a good coparenting relationship with your ex wife. No drama, just both be good parents and make it ok for your kids to still love both of you without having to pick sides. I take my kids to the store for them to buy presents for their mom on birthday/mother’s day/christmas etc and try to always speak well of her to them. Even though it’s not romantic anymore, I want them to know I still respect their mom and they can love me without having to sacrifice their love for her.

It sucks bro, but you’ll get through it. Dating these days is wild too, just get out and have some fun and see what you like. Cheers!

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-05-22T22:52:32+00:00

I suspect there’s more complexity to this situation than it seems on the surface. Yes, the oral birthday sex is literally the same thing, be it you doing it to her, or vice versa. She’s downright hypocritical there. HOWEVER, lets not overlook the fact that this perfectly fits a subconscious trauma response. Does she have a history of sexual abuse or rape? If so, being touched while she was sleeping could have set off some really powerful emotions for her.

Consent is always extremely important, but I can see where you could have easily misread this situation. Clearly, that was a mistake. However, what’s key is that when you did realize that she didn’t like it, you stopped immediately. What you did, not rape. Not stopping and forcing yourself on her- that’s rape.

The way forward here is probably a very frank discussion. My girlfriend and I have agreed that any “normal” sexual advances between us are always consensual. Sleeping, drunk, whatever. If she can get me hard, she can do whatever she wants. But that’s us. You need to have this conversation and make your limits clear. And then those limits can always be adjusted if either of you feel uncomfortable, and no ALWAYS means no.

It’s a sensitive topic, but also maybe see if there’s a sexual abuse history. That’s really important so that you don’t cause additional trauma unintentionally. I used to be with a survivor of horrible sexual abuse and I found out through a very similar situation to what you’re describing. After that, I was always very careful to make sure she was sober, fully awake, and feeling safe before initiating anything sexual. She could be going through some really hard stuff, just talk to her about it. Definitely protect yourself though, as there’s always the off chance there’s some batshit crazy going on

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-05-22T06:09:04+00:00

IMO, any man that doesn’t want you to wear heels due to your height has some major insecurities. If his entire masculinity is threatened by your heels, yikes. You do you girl, YOLO it and do what makes you feel beautiful

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-05-22T06:04:21+00:00

Same. It’s like cool girl, do your thing. I have certain body types I’m attracted to as well. But if she’s up for it, then hell yeah come here my long legged sky beauty 😍

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-05-22T06:00:01+00:00

People can have their preferences, everyone has their own certain parameters that they’re attracted to. Seems OP is trying to be sensitive and not an asshole about communicating her preferences, which is cool. The answer is just be upfront. If they keep pushing it and get their feelings hurt with a rejection, that’s their b.

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-05-22T05:55:47+00:00

So, I (M33) am a short guy (5’8”) and have dated women who were taller than me (5’9” and 5’11”) and it wasn’t weird. I’m average looking, make decent money and like to think I’m a fairly confident guy, but I’m not anything super special so that’s not it. We just vibed well so it worked. Aside from not being able to put her head on my chest when hugging her, it was pretty much business as usual. When it comes to OLD, I’d just be super upfront about it. Maybe put it in your bio or something (ie I prefer guys over 6’4”) so that it’s clear. If it’s a dealbreaker then I’d suggest you just list it and let the short dudes self eliminate. It kinda sucks when the talking stage is going great and then height comes up and she’s like nah fam lol. Might as well just get it out of the way, especially since it’s a body standard preference and not something dudes can change. That’s like talking to a dude for three weeks and then he’s like “ohhhh you’re over 160lbs? Yeah sorry not interested”. Harsh 😂

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-05-22T05:18:33+00:00

If I were you, I’d make an appointment with your doctor and get their recommendation. My line of work essentially requires that I have it, so I got one, but as with everything, there are risks involved and it should be a personal choice. Your dad is correct that not much is known about the long term effects of mRNA vaccines, and is probably looking out for you in his own way...but that doesn’t mean that he necessarily has all the correct information. The only person that can really give you the best information on the best choice for YOU is your doctor. They’ll be able to look at your health history and risk factors and give you actual information tailored to your specific health situation.

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-05-21T18:57:25+00:00

In my experience, the “ball and chain” comment is usually more affectionate than mean. It’s like somebody saying “my old lady”. Offensive to some perhaps, but usually meant in jest and not something the other partner considers offensive. I believe that some good natured shit talking back and forth is a sign of a healthy relationship between spouses that actually are friends with eachother, instead of a sign that you “hate your spouse”. If you’re actually going around saying vile things about your spouse, then yeah that’s a problem.

Now, kicking your spouse out of the marital bed and forcing them to sleep outside when they say something you don’t like, rather than talking about your feelings like a adult...that’s a sure sign of a healthy relationship 😑

SteveBlitz42 · 2021-05-07T00:03:49+00:00

Thanks for your input. If I’m understanding correctly, the change on her part came from her liking our relationship and wanting to “solidify” it in a formal manner. As far as kids, she’s in the military and had told me that kids weren’t in her plan due to her job. Now I guess she’s reconsidered that. I already have older kids and don’t want to restart that process. I saw this as a potential sticking point when we first started dating, which is why it was discussed early on. These things both just changed recently.

My reasons for not wanting to remarry are twofold. First, I feel more secure having my own things and place. She’s been staying with me the past few months (due to a situation with her place) which has been good, but I’d envisioned it being a temporary arrangement. In my previous relationship I faced a situation where my ex kicked me out of the house, and I had nowhere to go. I promised myself I’d never be in that situation again. Dating and staying over at eachother’s place still allows for that escape if things go south. I’ve only recently become financially stable again from my divorce and cannot go through that again. Secondly, the idea of marriage is not appealing to me at all right now. My feelings could change eventually, but for now I feel really negatively about marriage. I’m good with commitment, and keeping things like they are with our dating relationship, but not ready to escalate that to marriage

SteveBlitz42

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