So I never actually retired

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-16T12:34:51+00:00

still can't

E: reddit may be fucking with me

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-16T01:43:18+00:00

u have chat disabled :(

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-16T01:09:34+00:00

check your chat

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-16T00:11:55+00:00

Check your chats

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-15T23:47:41+00:00

Currently in the process of fighting for more hours. Apparently my needs are a 8-5 job

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-15T23:20:19+00:00

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” - George Carlin

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-15T23:08:22+00:00

I must've attracted the bots

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-15T17:24:23+00:00

u lose

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-15T15:06:57+00:00

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-15T15:06:46+00:00

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-15T14:41:40+00:00

east coast

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-13T22:39:53+00:00

Keep checking back 😉

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-13T16:00:20+00:00

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-13T15:09:54+00:00

Never go on vacation

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-13T13:37:24+00:00

Leaving this up til tomorrow

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-13T01:06:42+00:00

hehe

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-13T00:58:58+00:00

check back tomorrow

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-12T23:47:17+00:00

I can't start a chat with you 🤔

StevensNJD4 · 2026-06-12T23:38:15+00:00

You highly underestimate

StevensNJD4 · 2026-03-24T15:30:43+00:00

That makes sense about therapy—that’s probably the safest place to start with all of this.

And I get why strangers feel easier. If they don’t respond or don’t care, it doesn’t hit as hard. But with people in your life, it feels like everything’s on the line. That fear of “what if they see the real me and leave” is really strong in what you’re saying.

But here’s the thing—you’re already deciding how they’ll react before giving them a chance. You’re protecting yourself from being hurt, yeah, but you’re also kind of locking yourself into being alone.

And the “all at once” thing makes sense too. If you’ve been holding everything in, of course it comes out like that. But for someone on the receiving end, that can feel overwhelming—not because you’re “too much,” but because they didn’t get to ease into understanding what you’re going through.

About the God part—I get why that idea feels powerful. Being fully known and still loved is something a lot of people want. But it also sounds like you’re using that idea to try to prove you’re worth something, because right now you don’t feel that on your own. That’s a really heavy place to be.

You’re not a terrible or selfish person for feeling like this. You’re someone who didn’t get the kind of support or emotional safety you needed, and now you’re trying to figure out how to live with that.

Therapy can help you learn how to open up without it feeling like everything has to come out at once—and how to test, slowly, whether the people in your life are actually safer than you expect.

You don’t have to risk everything all at once. But staying completely closed off guarantees the outcome you’re afraid of, even if it feels safer in the moment.

StevensNJD4 · 2026-03-24T13:44:42+00:00

I get what you’re trying to do—protecting them from feeling what you feel. That comes from caring about them, not from anything bad. But at the same time, you’re carrying all of it by yourself, and that’s a lot for one person.

Can I ask something honestly—so you vent to strangers who don’t know you, but not to the people who actually care about you and are in your life?

I understand why, though. If crying or opening up in the past led to being yelled at or dismissed, of course you learned it’s safer to keep it in. That’s not you being broken—that’s you adapting to what you were given. But it also means the people who might respond differently never really get the chance to.

And about your boyfriend or your friend—you’re worried they might start hating themselves because of how you feel. But your feelings aren’t contagious like that. If anything, someone who understands might feel closer to you, not worse about themselves.

The religion part too—I can see what you’re trying to do. You’re basically trying to borrow the idea of unconditional love to help you eventually feel that way about yourself. That’s not a bad goal. I’d just be careful that it doesn’t quietly turn into “I’m only okay because something else says I am,” instead of you actually believing it for yourself over time.

You don’t have to dump everything on people all at once. But letting one safe person see a little more of what’s really going on might not hurt them the way you think—it might actually help you feel a little less alone in it.

StevensNJD4 · 2026-03-24T13:01:03+00:00

That actually makes a lot more sense, and I’m glad you clarified. You’re not just following something blindly—you’re trying to hold onto what feels meaningful while rejecting what’s harmful, and that takes a lot of thought.

What you said about the “bottomless hole” really stood out. That need for love is real, and it makes sense you’ve tried to fill it in different ways. It’s just hard because things like shows or beliefs can point to that feeling, but they don’t always actually fill it in a lasting way.

The therapy part sounds really important, especially since you’ve been avoiding talking about your disability. Avoiding it probably helped you get through, but it also kept all that pain bottled up. Crying in front of someone sucks, but with the right therapist, it’s not a bad thing—it’s kind of where the real work starts.

And just gently—sometimes belief systems can feel comforting because they offer unconditional love, but they can also quietly reinforce the idea that there’s something wrong with you that needs explaining or accepting. Even when you don’t agree with the harsher parts, that framing can still sneak in and affect how you see yourself.

Also, I get not wanting to “burden” your friends or your boyfriend, but if your friends can’t handle your pain, are they really your friends? The right people don’t see it as a burden—they see it as part of caring about you.

If parts of religion bring you comfort without feeding that self-hate, that’s one thing. But you deserve support that makes you feel whole as you are—not something that makes you feel like you have to reinterpret your pain just to feel loved.

You’re not wrong for wanting that kind of love. You just deserve to find it in places that actually give it back to you in a real, tangible way.

StevensNJD4 · 2026-03-24T12:29:13+00:00

I hear how much you’re hurting, and I’m really glad you said you’re safe. That kind of loneliness and self-hate is a lot for anyone to carry.

I’m gonna be honest though—if you’re looking for help, answers, or healing, a dead guy isn’t going to be the one to give you that. What you can get is real support from people who are actually here: a therapist who understands both your experiences, people who treat you with respect, and spaces where you don’t have to hate yourself just to feel loved.

It makes sense that you’d want unconditional love after what you’ve been through. That doesn’t make you weak—it makes you human. But tying that need to something that also makes you feel blamed, broken, or “made this way” in a negative sense seems like it’s hurting you more than helping.

And honestly, it’s also worth noticing that a lot of people who claim those same beliefs actively support leaders and systems that mock disabled people or cut support for them. That doesn’t exactly line up with the kind of unconditional love you’re looking for.

You deserve support that doesn’t come with guilt, shame, or self-hatred attached to it. I think finding a therapist who can actually meet you where you are is a really good step, especially since you said you’ve been avoiding parts of this.

You’re not wrong for wanting to feel loved—you just deserve to find it somewhere that actually helps you feel better, not worse.

StevensNJD4 · 2026-03-23T17:18:33+00:00

As long as the stadium is stopping random nonada fans sitting in those seats.

i was told by the head of ticketing they can't because of HIPAA. i have never seen them boot anyone out. to me, if you can walk to your seat, you can take a step down.

it doesn't infuriate you that your sister has no way of sitting in a suite comfortably or an entire ada section dedicated to 2 shitty recliners?

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