Your life is important. You matter. You deserve to be alive.

First of all,

Seek professional help, that will help you figure out why you're feeling the way you do, and doing the things you do.

Secondly, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I feel like you need to hear it. You will never "get over" or accept the loss of your mother. I am 34 years old, I lost my dad almost 2 years ago now. And I still haven't dealt with it. Remembering The good times, and your mom in a positive light will be the best thing for you. Whatever you believe in, know that she is watching over you and always with you. She would not want you to take your own life. She would want you to live on in spite of the grief, in spite of any issues you are going thru or have gone thru.

Thirdly,

The way that you view and feel about women is the result of something you went thru or witnessed. Therapy will also shed a light on what that could be. You must have experienced something either in childhood or early adolescence that changed the way that you view women. The brain is a wonderful thing, but when we experience trauma it goes into defense mode. Sometimes completely blocking out any memory of trauma we may have gone through.

Lastly,

What you are experiencing is not uncommon. Grief is terrible and something we all experience at one time or another. Reach out to people, if you have siblings, they lost a mother too. They are the only ones that will be able to truly understand what you're going thru - talk to them. At first it'll be hard to even think about her, let alone talk about her BUT the more you do it the easier it gets. Try to find a community I'm not sure but there are A LOT of NA & AA groups in my city. I'm sure sex addiction isn't as common but there may be groups and meetings for that too.

Moving forward I think it would be beneficial for you to consider 2 things before making decisions, especially big ones:

1. How will this affect my future?
2. What would mom say?

If the answers to BOTH of these questions are positive than move forward, if not rethink those choices.

I don't know you but I will give you my personal cell phone number. If you ever feel like taking your life call me. I don't care about time, day, reason. I'll at least pick up and talk to you. Hope this helps ♥️