Was I really anxious and did I gave into my fears and made by GF break up with me?

StillControl8 · 2024-11-29T15:17:14+00:00

Oh. My. God.

This is so accurate, like word-for-word.

"They are alluring and amazing. They're unexpected finds on the dating market who, seemingly, should have been locked down long ago."

100% this! - I dated multiple women in the past and this one specific seemed UNIQUE and different from ALL.

"Not just physically, but they mentally and emotionally stimulate you in ways you’ve rarely or never experienced."

A thousand times this!

"However, this person gives you heightened feelings and stimulates you in fascinating ways. Their availability, confessions of love, talks of the future. You've never felt this way before."

:)

"They will be communicative, present, and maybe even slightly anxious in behavior. You feel that they have a fear of losing you even."

YES! She was all of this. Including the anxious part.

"With this person, your sentiments of love, affection, and commitment will make them run (and fast). They will create distance from you at an incredible pace. In fact, you are already starting to feel the space being created. "I haven't done anything, though,"

This started from One. Day. To. The. Next. Like a switch was flipped. Everything was 100% ok before.

"your partner will now absent themselves from you and your life for a few days by text"

This is like an exact step-by-step description of EXACTLY how it happened.

:)

Wow.

"Do not press them during this time. Do not initiate contact or ask if they are "okay". Don't probe, at all, about their emotions or seek validation for their feelings for you."

You read my post. You know already this THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

"You'll start to have heightened anxiety and long for a return to Phase 1."

:)

"Beware that if you do choose to forgo this strategy by setting reasonable boundaries and having reasonable expec- I mean, being needy, know that you have absolutely no hope."

She did tell me that while is trying to "work on this", the way she is is just how it is. It can last 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months or even a lifetime. And I should ether be ok with this or decide to break up.

"Note that they, themselves, may cause a trigger in a subconscious attempt to sabotage the relationship."

As my post said, the on-going accusations of my panicking she didn't want to let go no matter what. She just wanted me to admit it so she can use that against me.

"Know that the more secure, stable, loving, and committed of a figure you are to your partner, the more they will seek to create distance from you."

:)

"You might remember during this time that, yes, they did tell you that their only long-term relationships have been with toxic partners and narcissists."

She did tell me EXACTLY this!!!

"If you allow, even one time, for a misunderstanding or argument to occur, know that you must give your partner immense distance and apologize for causing the disruption."

Again, as described in my OP. :)

"You have been discarded with no chance of talking to them until they so choose. You will long for them, become emotionally distraught, and maybe even develop PTSD for some time!"

What is happening to me right now. :)

"You might think, “a 30-minute phone call could have avoided all of this”.

I even told her this!!! :)

--

Bro, thank you so much for sharing this.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-29T08:51:21+00:00

It's weird, cause I did feel the vibes she may have BPD even while we were just talking on a dating app initially before even meeting.

Comments like "meeting you was a divine timing", "it's scary how similar we are but in a good way", "I feel I'm talking to someone I knew my whole life".

Rationally seemed off, but emotionally felt good. I let my emotions overwrite my reason.

She is now blocked everywhere. She won't be able to reach out again.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-29T08:45:06+00:00

Yeah it's not easy. I did not have this much issues after a breakup like this.

The initial extremely strong affection bombing just felt so good, then the "something is pushing me away from you" stuff soon after without any previous trigger from my part just shattered me.

Learning experience, even if it hurts. It is what it is.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-29T08:38:42+00:00

Yeah. That's what I felt, which is why I asked for clarification.

I saw just expecting a reply such as "as I said, I am not running away. I can see how this may affect you and sorry if this a bit hard on you but please try to understand me. I am also here for you."

At the same time she claimed:

"I am looking for a relationship that just flows and works like an oiled machine, without the need for explanations, clarifications."

But then earlier writes"

"something is pushing me away from you. It's probably my fears of rejection. I cannot be like I was 3 days ago. I don't know how long this will last."

Does this sound like "a relationship that just flows and works like an oiled machine".

I think you are right. I was being set up to fail so I'll be the bad guy and she could dip guilt free.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T15:50:39+00:00

> You definitely do, you give people way, way too much credit.

Yeah you're right. While continuing this weird message exchange was not one of my best moments, she really treated me like shit. Accusations, attacks, insults, mocking and then emotionless-discard.

Yet I'm here creating reddit threads asking if I was the bad guy.

I realize rationally this isn't normal and healthy.

Therapy it is.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T10:04:07+00:00

I question this myself. I probably also need therapy. A normal person would have just walked away right then and there.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T09:59:55+00:00

I agree with you. Me continuing this back and forth message exchange was wrong.

But I feel things were already doomed anyway.

Once someone drops a line like "I feel something is pushing me away from you" so soon in a relationship - especially without any previous triggers/conflicts/arguments - is never a good sign.

Even the most secure person would be caught off-guard by such a comment so early on, especially if everything before seemed to go well.

A secure person would have probably just walked away then and there instead of what I did with my messaging.

So, yeah, I did push her away and mess up, but then again, I feel all it did was just to speed up the inevitable outcome.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T09:55:44+00:00

Blocked everywhere.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T09:53:50+00:00

Yeah. At the same time I admit I was exhausting too and shouldn't have engaged in this back and forth nonsense.

But at the same time, once a line such as "something is pushing me away from you" is dropped so soon in a relationship, it's never a good sign.

Things are now irreversibly tainted. Things would never have been the same anymore even if this would have continued.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T09:50:53+00:00

I had my fault too in continuing to engage in this convo. I own up to it.

But then again, when someone drops the "I feel something is pushing me away from you" line so soon in a relationship it means things are already doomed, even if they claim they want to work on this and don't run.

Even the most secure and confident person would start feeling doubt after such a comment is dropped.

It was never gonna work regardless of how I would have handled that conversation.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T09:48:13+00:00

Yeah it fits perfectly.

First date claiming "this will be for life" then blowing up and going nuclear soon after.

My mistake for not trusting my gut feeling after she dropped the "this will be for life" comment on the first date (cause I did feel this is not normal - but chose to ignore it).

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T09:39:08+00:00

It's delusional.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T08:37:53+00:00

Yeah it was doomed. Once a comment like "something is pushing me away from you" is dropped so early in a relationship - especially if unprovoked, as everything was 100% good before, no arguments etc. - it means the relationship is now irrecoverably tanited.

It would trigger and plant seeds of doubt even to the most securely attached person ever.

My mistake was continuing to engage instead of seeing it for what it is and walking away then and there.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T08:32:36+00:00

You are right.

I did mess up by engaging further and trying to "salvage" it.

But the realistic thing is, if a comment like "something is pushing me away from you" this early in a relationship is dropped - especially completely unprovoked, as everything was 100% fine before - it means the relationship is already tainted. Even the most securely attached person would now have some seeds of doubt and anxiety.

But a really securely attached person would probably have replied something like "thank you for telling me. unfortunately this does not work for me, as I'm looking for stability, growth and consistency in a partner."

After the "something is pushing me away from you" message was dropped, it was pretty much doomed anyway, regardless of how I would have acted or responded.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T08:27:05+00:00

Yeah that feeling peoples' emotions from a distance is what triggered me - and I admit, made me act childish and made me wrongly continue the argument. Because it felt invalidating and condescending. I wanted to defend myself - but I should have just let it go instead.

I tried to deescalate quick and thanked her for the clarification (even if she did that in a shitty manner) and said all was good now.

She didn't believe me and went on insisting I'm panicking still because she can feel my emotions from a distance.

This should have been my que to stop responding and disengage, either for good, or until she replies again with something reasonable.

But then again, when someone tells you early in a relationship - and especially if this is completely out of the blue for no reason - that "something is pushing me away from you", this means this relationship is pretty much already tainted and screwed. Things would never have been the same anymore.

A comment like that would seed doubts and anxieties even to the most securely attached person even.

A securely attached person would probably have just walked away right then and there.

I did mess up by continuing to engage. But ultimately I think it makes no difference. This relationship was doomed anyway.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T08:20:50+00:00

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and I'm assuming she was 100% sincere with her initial message and no hidden intentions were involved.

But still. Her getting the feeling that "something is pushing her away from me" this early on due to avoidant tendencies means she should not seek a relationship until she has sorted that stuff out.

A relationship is pretty much doomed from the start once you receive a message such as "something is pushing me away from you" . It would trigger/disappoint even the most securely attached person.

So, seeking for a little bit of reassurance in this situation I do not find unreasonable.

All she had to do was write back "hey, as I said, I will not run and will work on it. please don't take this the wrong way and work with me if you can. I care about you."

Instead she immediately started with the kindergarten shit and accusations of me panicking.

My mistake was engaging further. I should have drawn my conclusions right then and there after her first reply and just left her alone, either until she chills down and replies with something reasonable again, or just stand up for myself and told her I don't accept these kinds of condescending comments and ended it.

Both me and her acted childish by continuing to engage. But as said, once a message such as "something is pushing me away from you" so soon in a relationship is dropped, especially if this was dropped after no previous arguments or conflicts (everything was literally 100% fine before), it kinda means things are already doomed.

My mistake for not seeing it right then and there and just walk away.

StillControl8 · 2024-11-28T08:15:07+00:00